22 December 2009

Unaware Or Don't Care...

I try to be aware of the things I say to others, and the impact those words have. Especially when I'm saying things that might not be what they want to hear.

But what do you do when someone says things, and they seem to have no idea of what they've done.

They have broken your heart and made you question everything that you thought you knew about them, or about yourself. Then a day later everything is, as it was before. Or somewhat at least.

You think to yourself: Maybe they don't realize what they said or the impact it had. Or worse, they do realize what they've done and they don't care.

I've been trying to process everything, not necessarily by choice. I can't get it out of my head. Thinking about what was said and how it was meant. Thinking about the week that has followed and how those actions feed the things that were said in the years before. Confirming them in a way I had not seen before. Or had seen but been denying until confronted.

The things from the past make more sense in a way, and at the same time they have become more cruel than I had previously thought. I have all new doubts in my mind. All new fears.

I've never liked or been good at confrontation but I'm not sure I can let this go or stick it in the vault and try to forget. Somethings are too big to lock away.

Confrontation could and probably will make things worse, but if they're as bad as they seem they can't really get worse. Maybe not knowing for sure is worse than clearing the air.

I guess it is possible that I have misunderstood and am way off base. I don't think so, but I have to keep it as at least one of the possibilities because at this point it's the only positive, and I need at least one positive in this scenario.

Anyway I look at it, I'm confused.

15 December 2009

Illusions...

Pain is a funny thing. I've experienced a lot of it my life. Been cut and stabbed, burned, had bones broken, eyes poked, had friends killed and loved ones lost, even been hit by a car. Some of these things left scars that will last forever, but the pain I felt at the time was fleeting and faded.

Of all of the things that have hurt me, it was a few simple words that caused the most pain. It was the pain of those words that has lasted the longest. Time does not heal all wounds.

Sometimes it's something simple and silly that brings those pains back.

Sometimes you get a reminder, that every thing you thought you were...you're not. Every thing you thought you had done...you didn't. Every thing you thought you had...you don't. Sometimes every thing you thought was real, is an illusion. It was only real in your head.

It's a rude awakening to find that you have been kidding yourself. It's a harsh reality to be reminded that even the simplest of mistakes, that took only a few moments if your life time and seemed innocent at the time, will haunt you. Some sins and crimes you pay for, for the rest of your life. No matter how much you've payed your debt, you can never pay it back.

Somethings lost, are lost forever and no amount of searching can find them again.

Even if people can forgive, they wont ever really forget. And as long as they remember, you're never really truly forgiven.

11 December 2009

A Little Slice Of Alright...

It's midnight am I'm just getting home. Everyone is in bed sound asleep. It's a drag coming home with out being able to talk to Mr. Man or give Precious a kiss and hug, then talk about our day.

But for the first time in way to long, I'm coming home in a good mood. I'm happy and feeling good about life for the first time in a long while.

I started a new job last week. A second new job. I've gone back to cooking. I still have the first new job which I despise. Every day I'm there, a little more of me dies. It's a marketing company. Phone sales. Just thinking about it makes me cringe.

When I left the "dream job" I didn't really have the option of waiting for another dream. I needed an income so I took the marketing gig. It was a check with benefits.

Last week I was offered a job I applied for a month ago. Cooking. It's a nice place with a decent menu and a good crew. It pays better than most kitchens and best of all, I like it.

Last week they had me coming in at 9am banging out prep for the line guys at night. I did a good enough job that they wanted me on the line. Tonight was my first night shift. I like nights and it pays more.

The marketing job started at 6am. I am not a morning person. The night shift at the restaurant starts at 3pm. Much better. I get to spend my mornings with Mr. Man, take him to school, spend a couple hours doing what ever, then go to work. I've been trying to do them both but I don't see that happening for much longer.

I had a good time time tonight. It's a little hectic learning all of the plates and presentations but it was fun and I only screwed up a couple of things. I managed to sear the tips of three fingers, laid my thumb on the grill and burned the back of my hand. I love to cook.

Tomorrow I work the grill, mostly solo. Saturday I'm doing a special catering gig for our chef, off site with a couple of the servers. Should be a hoot.

On top of all of this our housing limbo has come to an end. Sort of. We have until the 18th of January to find a new place to live and move. Oh goody! Like we didn't have enough to worry about.

Why does all the shit hit the fan at the same time? I guess that way there is only one mess to clean up instead of spreading it out over time. Or I at least I hope.

I started packing up the studio today as well as a few things I haven't used in awhile. Time for a big yard sale.

We put up our Christmas tree a couple of days ago. It seemed strange knowing we would just have to take it down in a few weeks. The holidays always manage to bring havoc to my life.

I don't care this year. I'm taking it all with a smile. Tomorrow Mr. Man and I are house hunting in the morning. I'm listening to Christmas songs on the jazz station in my car. I'm thinking of friends I haven't seen for ages but am planning to.

I'm sure the future will have a few more nut shots in store for me, but I think I'm ready. I'm wearing a cup, have plenty of burn cream and carrying big sharp knives.

For tonight, for the first time in some time, it's all good.


******

Oh yea! Last weekend Mr. Man had his first Karate tournament and did AWESOME!