26 January 2010

Risk Management....

What's the most important thing to you? The thing you treasure more than anything else in your life. More than your life itself.

What would it take for you to risk it all? What would it take for you to put it all on the line and roll the dice?

It's surprising. Most humans put very little thought into the consequences of their actions. We tend to run on instinct alone at times. Giving little to no thought about what will happen after. And thinking after the fact, is way too late. It's a very dangerous why to go through life.

Even those that are relatively level headed, will make rash and surprising decisions at times. Putting their entire lives at risk, not to mention the lives of others, over something that most would consider insignificant and foolish, if not just down right stupid.

I'm not sure our brains work the way they should.

24 January 2010

The North Wind...

As does happen in my life, when the North wind rolls through I feel a desire to follow. Gypsy blood runs deep within my veins.

But lately the wind has been swirling. Coming from several directions at once. Not knowing which way to go I have stayed in place. My heart confused and restless. Eager to move and follow my wanderlust that guides me.

I fear I have become lost in my confusion. I labor over, and doubt my decisions that once were instinctual. I second guess and questions my actions. Surrounded by a sea of humanity, I'm alone.

A few months ago I would have told you that I had most everything I ever wanted from life. Now I wonder if I haven't lost them. Or worse, thrown them away with my foolishness and fantasies. I fear that I may have forgotten which is real and which is imagined.

I waited and wanted for so long. Imagining what might be. What could be. It was all I had hoped and yet less. Something changed, as it always does. As I knew and feared it would. How, I'm not entirely sure. Only time will tell.

The wind blew and mussed our hair. In all my thinking and dreaming, the reality is never the same. It's wonderful and heart breaking, in most ways breath taking. It clouds and tears your eyes to impair you vision and the world goes fuzzy for a time.

The wind blew, and for now, I'm glad. It always brings something unexpected. For better or worse, it is what makes hearts race and passions burn or fade.

I shall stand and face the wind, eyes tearing and blurry, open to the world ahead of me.

22 January 2010

Round And Round We Go...

There is something about circles. It eludes me at this point. Everything is circular. The universe. Our solar system. Our planet. All planets for that matter. Our lives. Born live die. Circular in more ways than that.

At least my life is circular. I'm guessing that all our lives are.

The saying goes: what goes around, comes around. It sure as shit does. History repeats itself. Over and over and over.

I've been here before. Several times in fact. It would appear that my circle is about ten years in diameter. Give or take. The orbit moves a bit because the locations and settings have changed, but only a little at that.

How do I break orbit, or change it's rotation? How do I expand my circle? Can I change it, or am I stuck in this loop? I feel like I'm in an episode of Star Trek when they get stuck in a time causality loop. I realize I have been here before and it's much more than deja vu, but by the time I figure it out I've been sucked into the past again and start all over.

So, am I the one making people in my life act and react in similar ways to the different people in my life years ago that acted and reacted the way they did? Or am I attracted to people that are similar to the ones from my past? Quite frankly it's all just a bit frickin strange at times. It's like I've seen this movie but with different actors.

It seems that I am the only common factor. So around I go. And I hate merry go rounds. Makes me dizzy.

07 January 2010

New...

...year
...address
...landlord
...studio
...attitude
...problems
...dreams
...internet connection (next week)
...friends
...job (hopefully next week)
...outlook
...conversations about old conversations
...visits with old friends

...hopes for a better year than last