26 March 2010

Change...Together...

When we first met, there was a bench in front of the gallery where we worked. We would often sit on that bench and talk. We got to know one another and became friends there.

Last week was our 8th anniversary. It seemed to me that we needed a reminder of those talks and that bench. So I got us a bench of our own for an anniversary gift. I set it in our back garden. We have spent a lot more time talking and bonding and trying to reconnect. Trying to remember what made us fall in love to begin with.


It's kind of funny how difficult it becomes to talk with someone that you have known and been with for so many years. All of the sudden we're strangers trying to get to know one another again.


*****


Yesterday was Mr. Man's very first play. "Down on the Farm". He played a horse. I took the video camera, tested it, made sure I had a fresh disk, lens cap was off.

The play started, I hit record, the red light went on. I panned, I zoomed in and out, I moved around to get him and his friends.

Thirty minutes later I hit the record button again to stop it...and nothing happened. I tried it again. Nothing. I started to look around and figure it out...and realized I had it set to camera. Not video.

I didn't get a single second of it.

King size fail!

We were there though. He was an awesome horse! We laughed and clapped and had a great time.


*****


For the first time in way too long, I painted something. It's crude, out of proportion, it's rough, it needs a lot more work...but it's paint on canvas and damn it felt good to spend even a few minutes in the studio.


*****


I'm looking forward to starting my new job next month. I miss the art world, no matter how screwed up it is, it suits me. I'm also looking into starting a new home base MLM business. Going to change the world. Change is a constant. At least in my life.


*****


Life is full of ups and downs. It's a struggle. We don't really have a choice. We go on. In one way or another, we go on. We make the best of what we're given and work our asses off for what we think we want, trying our best to make sure we have what we need.

We will go on. We'll spend more time on our bench. We will go to all of the plays in person, just in case they don't get recorded. We will work towards the things need, and try for the things we want. Without fear. Together.

18 March 2010

Something To Fear...

How many chances does a person get to do the right thing? For months, or more, I have been writing about how bad things are with Precious. How she broke my heart. How we seem to have lost one another. I went back and read my posts. I never mentioned any of the things that made me love her. I never wrote about how happy we were. I never really gave her the credit she deserved or thanked her for putting up with my frequent stupidity.

I've been blaming her for our troubles and making excuses for my behavior. As if it were justified in some way.

We spent much of the night talking. Crying.

In all the time I have been so unhappy thinking that Precious had given up on us, I never once thought to tell her how I was really feeling. When we talked, it was her talking. I tend not to say much. Even when I should. Most times my silence is taken for uncaring or indifference.

It's really just me being afraid of saying the wrong things. I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to actually sharing any real feelings. I've always been a wall builder. Keeping myself safely behind them. I didn't realize that some where I built a wall between us. I am the one that gave up on us.

When things started getting hard and our relationship was tested, I went into hiding.

It's clear to me now why she said she didn't really trust me. I wasn't trusting her. Instead of talking to my best friend about how I felt, I turned to another. I was afraid of losing the things I treasured most and I put those things at risk even farther by being a jackass.

This morning Precious gave me her wedding ring and asked to keep it some place safe.

How is it possible for me to have hurt the person I care most about? I've been a terrible partner and a horrible friend. Saying sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.

Now that I realize that I may have screwed things up beyond what we can fix, of course it's too late. I was so upset that she didn't trust me that I went ahead and destroyed any trust that may have been left. And for what?

I guess now I have some thing to really fear.

Letting Go...

The past is almost inescapably. No matter how much time passes or how much we may want to forget, it's always there. Our past. A semi constant reminder of who we used to be. Or thought we were.

Now and then it is brought to our attention the our past wasn't quite the way we remember it. What may seem true to one person could be complete fantasy to another.

Apparently much of my past was fantasy. I have a hard time separating fantasy from reality and, that when making a desision that involves me personally, I may have a problem with right and wrong. And no matter how much time passes I will most likely always be a lousy communicator. I'm not anymore special than anyone else.

Tonight we spoke about splitting. Was there anything worth trying to save. Who would get Mr. Man. What we would do after. What the other person would do. It turns out we don't know one another very well at all and neither of us are very good communicators.

With all of the problems we have been having it was something new that brought up this talk.

This time it was all me. I did something amazingly asinine. I have no excuses. Just an other example of me sabotaging my life and not thinking about what I'm doing until it's too late. Sadly this part of my past is very accurate.

It seemed innocent at the time. I didn't think about how she might feel about it. It was a betrayal on my part. Instead of telling her how I felt I chose to tell someone else.

I turned my back on my best friend. My lover. My wife. My Precious. I put our entire history and our future at risk over something that I barely gave a thought. In my mind I knew it didn't mean anything. We were venting. Counseling. Playing. It wasn't something I took seriously. But it was very serious to Precious.

I didn't give her the credit or the respect she deserves and I hurt her badly. I am a complete and total ass.

She and Mr. Man are all that have ever mattered to me and I risked losing over someone I barely know.

I think it's about time for me to let go of my past. Remember it for what it was. A series of unfortunate events that I have embellished over the years to make me look good or feel better about being ass. I'm not any better. I'm not so much smarter. I'm not entitled to any more than I work for. It's not all about me.

15 March 2010

Artsy-Fartsy...

I just can't stay away. This time, much like the last time, I was tired of the insanity and I wasn't going back.

Shit...

Today I agreed to sign on with a new gallery. It's director I have worked with in another lifetime. Two of the other consultants may be from the same long ago life.

This whole circle of life thing is really freaking me out. The duality of this is truly bizarre.

I love to cook, but I'm not going anywhere at the restaurant. No room for growth and no money to speak of, so, on we go to another adventure.

Back...to the world of art.

13 March 2010

Yellow...

...is the color of the sun as well as the color of light and new riches. The Yellow Belt indicates that the light of a new day has begun to shine. It is the color of learning.




Last night I had my test for Yellow Belt. I passed. Now I'm the same rank as Mr. Man.

Before my testing he gave me some great advice.

"Dad, you know how I almost threw up and wanted to quit during my test? Well, try not to do that, Cuz Master T will notice if you throw up. You can do it Dad. Just don't throw up and you'll be ok."

It was close, but I did alright.