Mad William

How An Hour A Day, Changed My Life.

2011-12-07T11:33:00.000-08:00

I started helping at Mr. Mans school this year. I helped last year too but it was very hit and miss and the teacher always sent me to the office to staple things and sharpen pencils. I never helped in the class.

This year I started helping with a reading program for second graders. I started off by going in for an hour, one day a week. Very soon it became two or three days a week. Then I was going in everyday, five days a week. Now I'm up to five days a week with two extra hour on Wednesdays as well.

I can't begin to tell you how those little creatures have changed me. I will never be able to give them as much as they give me.

The irony of this, is that they break my heart. OK not all of them. It's just a few that break my heart.

Everyday I get told by these kids, about brothers and sisters that beat them. Parents that are in jail. Families that consist of gang bangers, drug dealers, general dead beats, and all the joys of living near a military base. Single parents, abusive parents, or no parents at all.

One of the boys came in last week with gang graffiti all over his arms. Drawn in large Sharpie marker so it wouldn't come off. When I asked about it, he smiled and told me that his older brother did it to him. The boy fell asleep on the sofa and his brother tagged him. Today that same boy told me about "getting" to go to court yesterday because both of his parents are facing drug and gang charges. He smiled and told me he missed reading class but was glad to be back today. He asked how my weekend was. Every week this boy tells me about his mom letting him watch movies like "The Saw", "Chuckie", "Halloween", and the nightmares that follow. He's 7. But every day he has the biggest smile on his face. Even when he tells me about him mother teaching him how to tag things and not get caught, he's so proud of her. You can see and hear the love he has for his family.

Yesterday a little girl came up and took my hand. She wanted me to walk with her to her next class. She says, "Mr. William, would you like to hear something sad?" Not really I told her. I don't care for sad stories. They're sad.
"It's not all sad." she tells me. Her father had to go away until next spring, but when he comes home she said they will do what ever she wants to do. That sounds like a good deal I told her. I asked if her dad was in the military or if he was shipped away.
She said,"Oh no Mr. William, Daddy went to jail. He can't stop the drugs." She smiled and gave me a big hug. Said "See you tomorrow!" and skipped away to her class.

Almost everyday I leave school fighting back tears. Today as I rode my bike home I almost crashed because I was could see straight. Tears pouring out of me.

They are all such happy little buggers. No matter what horrors they are going through at home. Everyday they greet me with a warm smiles, hugs and high fives. So pleased to see me. When I'm not there they all ask about me and want to know why I had missed school.

Today they had a substitute. When I told them that I couldn't stay because they schedule had changed, they gave a collective sigh of sadness and begged me to stay. "Why can't you stay instead of the sub?" They asked. In front of the sub. I felt bad for her. I told them, "Ms. L will be great fun today, just be good and listen close. I'll be back tomorrow." Half of them rushed me for hugs and high fives.

Some of them, I just want to take home with me and tell them that they will never have to live with those things again. I want to wrap my arms around them and save them from their own families. But I can't. As much as want to save them...I can't. I get one hour a day. Two and a half on Wednesdays.

I worry about them. I think about them. Even though I'm not religious, I pray for them, just in case I'm wrong.

I know I can't save them, but every day I can give them an hour. It can be one of the most difficult hours of every day. But it's usually one of the most rewarding as well. And I wouldn't give it up.

I really hope they can get back even a little of what they give me.

Solid...

2011-12-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

“Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.”

― C. S. Lewis

If...

2011-12-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

“If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me.”

― W.H. Auden

Affection Vs. Admiration...

2011-12-02T08:14:00.000-08:00

The need for affection is not bad, but the need for admiration creates problems. We all need affection from God, affection from our dear ones. It is the mutual giving of affection that keeps us alive. Without the mother's affection, it is impossible for us to live. But without admiration, easily we can live. The absence of affection from our dear ones is simply death. But if somebody does not admire us, no harm. Affection is in the same category as love. But admiration is totally different. When we are admired, the ego can come to the fore and destroy us. But when we are shown affection and loved, at that time our divine qualities increase. So when you get affection and love, you don't have to worry. But when you get admiration, you have to be careful.

Sri Chinmoy:

Bitterness...

2011-12-01T13:52:00.000-08:00

‎"BITTERNESS IS THE ENEMY OF LOVE BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU UNFORGIVING AND UNWILLING TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.....

IT IS THE ENEMY OF HOPE BECAUSE YOU KEEP LIVING IN THE PAST AND BECOME INCAPABLE OF SEEING A BETTER FUTURE......

IT IS THE ENEMY OF FAITH BECAUSE YOU STOP TRUSTING IN ANYONE BUT YOURSELF........ IF YOU ARE NOT CAREFUL, YOU WILL LOSE THE ABILITY TO SEE SUCH THINGS AS BEAUTY, TRUTH, OR EVEN AFFECTION....

AND YOU MAY CLOSE YOUR EYES TO WHAT YOUR SOUL NEEDS YOU TO SEE MOST..... "

Craigslist, Home Of Crooks And Charlatans...

2011-11-28T13:38:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to use Craigslist for one of my new business ventures. It's been a few months. I have ads placed in five different states, in a variety of cities.

For every one legitimate response I get to one of my ads, I get about 500 or more responses from some jackass trying to scam me.

Every time I listen to the news, I hear of someone else that has been ripped off, robbed, assaulted or murdered by a person they met on Craigslist.

Almost every ad I have every responded to on Craigslist has been placed by someone trying to scam me.

It seems to me that it has become a breading ground for criminals, thugs, and con artists.

I run ads on other venues and a variety of different sites. I never get the responses from them, that I get from Craigslist. In fact I seldom get any response from any of the other sites.
Not legit or scammers.

So what is it about Craigslist that attracts the dead beats and derelicts?

T-Mobile Broke Up With Me Over A Cheap Phone...

2011-11-21T20:38:00.002-08:00

After ten years of loyal customer support of T-Mobile, they have told me point blank that they

would rather lose my business than upgrade two six year old phones for free. All I wanted was

two very basic, call, text and camera phones. I was willing to sign a two year extension and

upgrade our plans. Didn't matter. I have always told everyone I knew how wonderful T-Mobile

was. Well from now on I will be telling everyone I know how terrible and greedy they have

become. They were more than happy to lose a customer of ten years over a cheap $20 phone.

So who's happy with their phone provider, as long as it's anyone except T-Mobile?

More Crack...

2011-10-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

detail image

18 x 46 inches

detail image

12 x 16 inches

18 x 24 inches

8 x 10 inches

detail

with tinting

This is the most frightening point of this process. Having to cover the entire painting. It always kind of freaks me out.

This is the color that stays in the cracks when I wash it off the canvas

Shar - after crack

Shar - on crack

Cracked...

2011-10-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

I absolutely LOVE cracking my paintings. It's like the cracks provide a harmony that wasn't there before. Or maybe it's just me that's cracked...

Whatever.

This is the first seascape that we've cracked. I like it very much. I think it's the unpredictability that intrigues me the most.

I've been working on Bubbles here, for almost 5 years now. I think I may have finished this time.

I had the bucket of gesso open and was about to paint over this lady. I'm pleased that I didn't. I really like the large blemish over the brick area. Unpredictable. It's a whole new work.

Not so sure I care for this. I really liked the painting the way it was. Here is where that unpredictability is a real drag. The cracks are way too big for the size of this work. It's bugging me. Sometimes that eagerness to keeping tweaking is a mistake. Sometimes you just need to leave things alone.
So now, do I leave it at this point and be unhappy with it? Or do I try to tweak it a bit more and get something better? Can I live with myself if I ruin it for good?

Moments Of Magic...

2011-09-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

Summers never last long enough. I try to remember the joy of summers. No school, few responsibilities, almost nonstop recess. Life was endless and infinite.

With age comes the weight of the world. Commitments we have no control over. Dramas and traumas are thrown at us daily. We often forget how to fly. To let go and just be.

To look down on ourselves and observe. Is that how we really look? Is that how we really act? Are those the people and things around us that really matter? If only we had the instant replay or the do over. How wonderful would things be?

We are left to wonder what if. If only. What then.

I try to find moments. Where a simple act, caught in the moment, can mean everything. Those are the times I try to lock away in the depths of my mind to remember. To cherish in the times when there seems to be no hope or laughter left in the world.

At any given moment, the most wonderful things in the world can happen. When the universe is doing it's best to break you. When you can't see beyond the fog. You have those perfect moments in your mind. When life was grand. There is no need to remember anything else. You know in your mind that life can be magical and that it was once. And it can be again.

The Great Outdoors...

2011-08-29T20:39:00.004-07:00

Easy Canvas Prints...

2011-07-20T14:21:00.000-07:00

Greetings all! I want to tell you about a wonderful little place called Easy Canvas Prints.

They just made this work for me. I emailed them a jpg image of an old photo. The did some editing work for me to remove a face in the back ground. They printed it on canvas and gave it a finished 1 1/2 inch gallery wrap with black edges.

It was easy and quick and I love it! They did a fantastic job.

I haven't quite figured out where I'm going to hang it yet but who cares. I love this photo and it looks great on canvas. As soon as I find it a home I will take more photos.

For anyone that "Likes" them on Facebook they will give you 50% off your first order. www.facebook.com/easycanvasprints

I would send you to my facebook page, but I do not facebook. So you can visit on your own. There is also a button in my side bar to go directly to their website.

Thank you Easy Canvas Prints.

I Shall Call Her...Bubbles...

2011-07-19T22:53:00.001-07:00

Some of you may remember this Chadette. She is about 4 years old. She has yet to leave the studio as I have never been happy with her back ground. To date, she has had at least 5 different, completed back grounds and several variations of each.

Well tonight I think I found the one I was looking for. Bubbles.

I like bubbles...we will see more of these.

Five...

2011-07-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe that MW has been up for five years now. The more my life changes the more it stays the same.

I've been trying to re-programme my life, trying to find a better way. A better way to live my life, a better way to think and get things done. Re-programming is difficult.

Most people will tell you that they welcome change. That they want change in their lives or in the world. However, when it comes right down to it, they really fight tooth and nail against change of any kind.

Change is frightening. You have to welcome the unknown. You have to take chances. You have to gamble on yourself. You have to be honest and open with yourself in order to change in any way.

Therein lies the difficulty in really changing anything. People don't want to look at themselves honestly or openly. It's easier to live in our perceived reality and lie to ourselves that everything is either, going well or it's about to get better.

If things were going well, they wouldn't need to think or talk about changing. If you're unwilling to be honest and open, it's not going to get better. Ever. You can't fix a problem with the same thinking that caused it.

I wonder how long it will take me to really implement change in my life. I wonder what I'm not being honest about with myself. I try not to complain about my life. I'm the one that brought me to this place. It has been my doing. I worked hard to get where I am, where ever that may be.

What I know is that everything is not alright. It's not horrible, but it can be a great deal better. What that better may be will be different for everyone. I know that it wont change unless I sacrifice a few things. A few beliefs, a few habits, the time it takes to journey down another path. An untraveled path. The herd will wander aimlessly, all believing that they must being doing the right thing because everyone is doing it. That in itself, is enough for me to break away from the herd. No matter what the herd says about my choice of path, I know my life will only improve by doing my own thing. Making my own decisions. And following my own path. Even if there is no clear path to follow.

My life is up to me. The past five years have taught me many things. Brought many pains and even more joys. No matter what becomes of Mad William, we look forward to the next five years and the path less traveled.

Started Gettin Silly By A Hollow Log...

2011-06-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

I have found many a creature in our yard, and at times in our house over the years. The typical, common yard animals such as raccoons, rabbits, deer. Now and then, hawks, bald eagles. Salmon, coyotes, and several families of bears. Elk and moose with wild chickens called grouse. A couple of seals, a pod of small whales wading near by.

Today however I found something I have never found before. Either in our yard or in our house, except for Baseball, the one we have as a pet. But this was the first time they showed up on their own.

Frogs!

Little, tiny, frogs.

No more than an inch long when sitting. I caught the little one that was inside the screen. I set it free, and it immediately found a little friend. His buddy that waited up until it returned from a night of wild froggy debauchery.

Now he's out telling all of his froggy friends about the time he came face to face with the monstrous hairy beast, Catasourous! It. Was. Awesome!

Anywho...

Welcome Frogs, to our pitstop for wandering animals. Enjoy.

FDA Is A Complete Farce...And Mini Rant About Stupidity...

2011-06-21T10:10:00.002-07:00

Dear FDA and US Government,

You suck ass!

Really!

Please stop insulting our intelligence by pretending that you give a flying fig newton about the health and welfare of humanity. Please stop pretending that the entire "Quit Smoking" campaign isn't just a money making operation devised by the tobacco industry and the FDA. The same way that the "War on Drugs" isn't just a giant money making scam by the FDA, Pharmaceutical companies, and the judicial/prison systems. MONEY MONEY MONEY

If you (FDA/US Government) were so truly concerned about our health you simply make smoking illegal. Sort of the way you have done with other things a person can smoke that aren't harmful (Marijuana) but that is just another money making scam between tobacco, DuPont, and the Government to be discussed later.

Seriously? This is what you have come to? Please stop this insanity. Is there anyone alive that hasn't heard, smoking is bad for you.

How much money would the FDA/Government/healthcare industry/slash how ever else, loose if there were no more smoking?

Smoking causes death.

The adverse health effects from cigarette smoking account for an estimated 443,000 deaths, or nearly one of every five deaths, each year in the United States.^2,3
More deaths are caused each year by tobacco use than by all deaths from human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), illegal drug use, alcohol use, motor vehicle injuries, suicides, and murders combined.^2,4
Smoking causes an estimated 90% of all lung cancer deaths in men and 80% of all lung cancer deaths in women.¹
An estimated 90% of all deaths from chronic obstructive lung disease are caused by smoking.

How much money are politicians raking in with this bogus and insulting campaign of stupidity? Most of you law makers have children. Have never learned that by telling someone that a certain act or action is dangerous, it only makes them want to do that act or action even more?

Our government goes out of it way of make asinine laws that protect us from ourselves. Unless of course money is involved. Tobacco is huge money, for all involved on both side of the debate.

In a world ruled by Hollywood/Special Effects, garbage like these adds is only going to encourage people to keep doing what they're doing. Ever human is born with the attitude that "It" can't happen to them. Bad things only happen to others.

I'm sure Ryan Dunn thought he was way too important to kill an innocent passenger and himself while driving after a night of drinking. Who doesn't know that drinking and driving kills?

We all know it. But we all think it can't happen to us. Who hasn't seen "Blood on the Highway"?

According to data from National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA), 10,389 people died in alcohol-related vehicle crashes in the U.S.in 2009, representing about one-third (32 percent) of all traffic fatalities for that year. This also means that on average a person is killed in an alcohol-related crash about every fifty minutes.

I have little doubt that everyone of these people thought it couldn't happen to them.

Wake up! People are not that smart. And these adds, wont work. Stop the charade and put all of that blood money to good use. Socialized Health Care.

UPDATE JULY 8th 2011

I had two really sick photos here of dead people and warnings about your health if you continue to smoke.

They have apparently been removed for me, so you'll just have to use your imagination to see dead people and the ill affects that smoking has on, everything.

Confrontation...Part Two...

2011-06-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest difficulties of being a non-confrontational person, is that every now and then, I really want to smack people. Just wind up and cuff them in the side of there narrow minded head.

But I don't.

Some people that know me. Not necessarily friends mind you, but acquaintances that I have known for a length of time. A few of them take advantage of my nature. They push me, in a way that I believe they are trying to provoke a confrontation.

I have that happening now. I can't really tell you about it here. But I really, really want to smack this person.

Four days a week it takes all of my energy not to pound them into the turf and step on their head as I walk away.

Instead I go home and tell Precious about it. Which she loves.(can you feel the snark)

And of course I vent my frustrations in my painting and my writing. Most of the time it helps and let the situation go. Other times it doesn't. Karate and bike rides help too.

I just don't understand why some people seem to choose to be total asshats!

Confrontation...Part One...

2011-06-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure how it came to be, but I am basically a pacifist. It has been 25 years since the last time I was in a physical altercation. OK it was fight. A bar fight to be exact. Provoked by a bigoted drunk that couldn't mind his own business.

Violence and aggression are wasted on me anymore. It's the lowest action a human being can take. It's purely instinctual. Require no thought. No reason. No basic human decency. It is the easiest of reactions.

When your challenged, certain things happen. We all have the capacity to react in any number of ways. To me, the easiest way to react is with violence. A primal response that proves little and solves nothing. It's much more difficult to respond with calm reason and an understanding (or at least a chance of understanding) of your challenger. This can be done in a variety of ways. None more right or wrong from the others as long as it done in a peaceful fashion.

I still have the ability to be physical if it were a matter of life or death. I still have the ability to be aggressive when I'm challenged. At 6'3" and 200 lbs it's possible even, to be intimidating. (except to kids, they see right through me) I still remember that bar fight very clearly. For years after I even bragged about it. I was proud of the fact that I taught some drunk a lesson.

In reality, at that time, I'm pretty sure he learned nothing from the experience. Hopefully, he, like me, learned something form it years later. I'm sure I would react differently today.

I believe that it's best to not judge others. Never underestimate.(you have no idea who that person is, or what they may be capable of doing) I believe that it's best to solve problems rationally and intelligently or except the outcome and walk away...

Stop Giving The IRS Interest Free Loans...

2011-05-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm back on my mission to save the world, its time for me to share my knowledge.
Here is is a little known and often misunderstood fact.

The Government wants you to start your own business. The government will PAY you to start your own business.

It's true. The payment comes in the form of tax savings. For anyone that gets a W-2 form at the end of the year, you pay on average, 20 to 38% of your earnings to the Government. By starting your own home based business(i.e. no over head) you can take deductions that will cut your tax rate to 10 to 17%. Yes, you can get back as much as 50% of what you are now paying in taxes back. Every month you can put that money back in your pocket.

The only requirement is that you spend at least 2 hours a week working your business trying to make a profit. Even if you don't make a profit, you still get the tax deductions. And by deductions I'm talking about things you spend money on every month: Rent, utilities, Cell phones, Internet, gas, mileage and up-keep on your car, dining out, gifts, parties, trips and vacations and more.

As long as you keep records you can stop paying taxes on the majority of these things. How would you like to have an additional $300 to $600 a month, every month?

It's possible. It's easy. And the Government wants you to do it. So do it already! Ask me how.

This isn't a sales pitch. I don't want anything from you. I just want you to know how much you're giving away that you don't need to.

What are you going to do with your extra money?

There you go. Saving the world lesson one.

Happiest Place On Earth...?

2011-05-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

Sunday we had free tickets for Disneyland. Note to self: Dear Self, Never, ever, go to Disneyland on a Sunday that happens to be Mother's Day as well as Bat's Day.

Holy claustrophobia Batman. The entire park looked like this. Ever corner, every where. Covered in...people! Large, unhappy, short tempered people with strollers. I was run into more than a dozen times. We needed armor. The average wait time for every ride we were interested in was over 60 minutes. The scariest part of all of this...I asked...the park was not at capacity.

I can't even imaging how miserable this place would be had they actually sold out. The park will close the gates, depending on season passes and walk up guests is between 70,000 and 82,000 people. That equals one person for every 4 to 5 square feet.

INSANITY!

New Toes...

2011-05-03T11:01:00.000-07:00

I forgot to post this last week when I was ranting about the JCrew fiasco.

L'OREAL Au Currant Perle. It's my second favorite color, when I'm not using Glow In The Dark.

Be Who you are. Proudly!

Re-Programming...

2011-04-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

Through out my adult and professional life, I have had great success. I have also had equally great failure.

I had always thought that I was learning something about each failure. I would write about it. I would proclaim that I had learned my lessons and I would move on, only to make the same mistakes again which lead to more failure.

Each time I would blame someone else. It was never my fault. Someone else always screwed me over. It was someone else that lied, or cheated, or took advantage of my good nature.

What I have recently realized is that in all of my life. In all of my failures, there has been only one common denominator.

ME!

Looking back, it was me, each time. I made the same mistakes expecting a different outcome each time. Then when things fell apart, I would blame those around me. It wasn't my fault. I did everything right. Well, not quite everything.

I had been programmed to fail. By my parents, By my schools, By my bosses. Because they had been programmed to fail. We have all been programmed to fail in the end.

95% of Americans will never be able to retire. We spend our lives, 40, 50 years or more working our asses off, making someone else very rich. And we end up with an average of $775 a month in Social Security. Failure!

Corporate America doesn't want people that lead. They want people who will follow direction no matter what. Stay in line and hope for the best. Never questioning why.

Well, I've never been good at staying in line, or keeping my questions to myself, or following blindly to my death. From now on, I make my own rules. My success, or failure, is up to me. I decide. I am going to be one of the 5% that get to do what I want, when I want.

The re-programming has begun.

Hooray For JCrew!

2011-04-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

I am just amazed at how closed minded so much of the world is today. Maybe it's always been that way. It makes me sad. Yesterday a couple of first or second grade girls were making fun of Mr. Man and I because we were holding hands as we walked to school. It just made me angry. I wanted slap their parents, if I knew who they were.

I have never understood the need for labels. Gay, straight, bi...WTF does it matter?

In my life time I have painted my finger and toe nails bright red on more than one occasion. Just for fun. And I liked it. I wear an anklet, ear rings, a necklace, rings on my fingers and on a toe...often, all at the same time. I have worn make up and not to dress up in drag, but just to wear it.

And, hold your hat...I have even kissed a man on the lips.

At no time in my life have I ever been confused about who or what I am. I have never needed psycho therapy. Or thought that I was a harmful influence on my son. The thought of people getting their pantie in a bunch over this JCrew add...

makes me sad for the future of humanity. It's this kind of bigotry and narrow minded thinking that will ruin people and drive them into counseling. Not a little pink polish on a boy.

How do you even get through to people like that? Are they even capable of rational, kind and open minded thinking?

These are the toes of Mr. Man when he was around three and a half. He rocked this look. I have no doubt that he will never be confused about who or what he is.

For as long as I can, I will hold his hand when we walk. I will paint his nails if asks. I will encourage him to be who he wants to be and live his life the way he wants to live it. I will love him no matter what and I will teach him to love others with an open mind.

When I get home, I just might paint my toe nails bright red.(pink just isn't my color) Just because I can.

Roller Coaster

2011-04-11T14:15:00.001-07:00

I can't seem to get the video to load on this site so here is a link.

Coaster

Mr. Man and I were on the coaster at California Adventure. Can't wait to do it again.

Changing Education...Still Need Help...

2011-04-03T15:35:00.000-07:00

So, I've been sharing my idea with others. Everyone has been very excited about getting involved, and I've had several offers to help. Which is nice.

Basically, I want to put schools (of all levels, I have a plan for each) into business for them selves in order to solve budget problems. Not just any business. The Network Marketing business. Now, it doesn't really matter which one a school chooses. I recommend several to begin with.

Network marketing is the perfect solution for school funding because it keeps giving. Next to no start up costs. No inventory. No special skills needed. The income earned is residual. It will continue to give as long as the customers use products.

Traditional fund raising for many schools consists of car washes, bake sales, begging for donations etc. The school provides a good or a service, a sale or event is held, and that's it. It's usually a very small amount of money considering what went into making said money.

For the same amount of work, you get people involved in a network marketing business. They find products they want, they buy, and continue to buy and the school continues to get money. All those small purchases will add up. Happy customers will share what they have found with friends and family who will intern buy more products. The school gets that money too. It continues to grow as long as there are at least a few parents willing to get involved. And you can get involved for as little as a few dollars a month. It's simple and you're going to buy these products anyway. Lets make your purchases count.

There are businesses and products for everyone. Every school should be able to find at least one model that works for them.

I know, I know...this country has a huge issue with Network Marketing. I still do. Personally, I blame Amway. But that is beside the point. Some of these are billion dollar, proven companies that work. They are going to make more millionaires in the next few years than any other industry.

Lets put a few of these companies to the test. Get schools involved. In theory, this could make schools self sufficient in a mater of years.

I know! Network Marketing. This will work.

And just to be clear. I will never ask any of you to listen to a presentation or join anything I may be doing.

But this education thing. It will work. Get involved. Lets change education forever.

Changing Education...Please Help!

2011-03-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

How many of you are currently students? How many of you are parents of students? How many schools in this country have budget problems? Public or private?

What would an extra few hundred dollars, to an extra ten thousand dollars a month(possibly much more) do for your school? Every month!

I have an idea that could potentially change the way schools are funded. In my plan it may be possible for schools to become completely self sufficient. Schools would never have to worry about funding or budgets again. Or at least not very often.

I'm a little surprised that I have never heard of such a thing before. Maybe it's been tried. I don't know, but I want to. If has been tried, what went wrong?

But I need help. I need to hear from educators, administrators, teachers, students, parents...
Anyone with an idea (a sane idea) about educational funding would be of help.

It's not a secret, but I need to work out the details and create a plan, but eventually I will describe it in detail, here, for all to see and contribute to. I'm not trying to benefit myself. I really want to change the education system of this country. It needs help. I speak as a college graduate as well as the parent of a first grader. We have a lot of school left and I for one am thoroughly disappointed with the quality I've seen so far. The more involved I get, the scarier it all becomes.

One of the features of my plan, is that it will work all over the world. For any school. Anywhere.

The cost of implementing the plan? Nothing. That's right. Cost free to the school. No need for for an employee(s) because once in place my plan can care for it self as well as distribute the money where ever it's programmed to go, automatically. A public access website would track the incoming money so everyone who wants could see exactly how much was coming in. Thus making the tracking of incoming money much easier and more accountable. It would go directly to the school and not the district or board member etc..

There is no need for the schools to hire anyone extra. The plan could be set up and maintained when needed by a facilitator of the plan. At no cost. Promotions, information, Public Relations, what ever was needed could be taken care of by the facilitators. At no cost to the school.

OK, that's too much already. It's going to be HUGE! Help me please. Help me change the world.

The Beginning...

2011-03-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

Slender Pops...Self Promotion...

2011-03-17T11:09:00.002-07:00

Bad Habits...Recognize...Eliminate...Move On...

2011-03-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

There are times when I look back on behavior, attitude, direction, focus, discipline... And I wonder to myself, "Self, WTF are you doing?" You are lying in the road being trampled by the world as it goes past, staring and pointing. Telling their offspring to look and remember, don't every be like that guy. Snicker snicker.

Sometimes we (I) fall of the Man Wagon. Sometimes we(I) need a good kick in the pants. As we(I) all do. It's the bad habits that bring us(Me) down. No matter what we're doing, no matter how well things are, bad habits are going to screw things up eventually. OK fine. Just learn from the experience. Some of us can learn our lesson the first time around. Others, (me) need to be taught a lesson a couple times. Or a few times. But eventually, we(I) get it and move on. Moving On!

Caution: Words May Be Slippery When Wet...

2011-02-24T11:36:00.000-08:00

It was a lovely night. Small fire illuminating the room. They're snuggled together on the floor.

"Close your eyes." he says, "I have something for you."

She closes her eyes. He slides dangly earrings through her lobes and places a matching chain around her neck.

They kiss and embrace. He softly says, "It's not much, but you're worth it."

......?

The. Most. Freaky. Thing. Ever! EVER!

2011-02-23T20:11:00.000-08:00

In the gallery today, a couple walk in. I think to myself; "Self, I know this guy."

We talk for awhile and I finally have to ask.

"Have you ever been to (Insert State here)?"

"No", he says,

"Wow, you look just like a guy I went to high school with named John Smith. (Not his real name).

He turn white and looked like he might be sick. Even his girl friend gasped when I said the name.

I stepped back, not knowing what to expect next.

He looked at me, took a deep breath, and said, "My name IS John Smith."

I paused and smiled slightly before I said, "SHUT! UP! Seriously?"

"Seriously." he said softly.

We just stood there starring at one another for what seemed like an hour. I can not think of a more bizarre coincidence in all of my life.

Not only do these two people have doppelgangers, but they have the same name.

(Which as I have just learned is one of the definitions. Look a-likes and or the same name.)

Which is really, really cool.

I don't know what this means, if anything, but it was beyond strange. The universe is quite peculiar at times.

Things That Make My Day...Volume One

2011-02-21T16:00:00.000-08:00

...Mr. Man trying to teach Winston an Evil laugh...
Mwhoohoohoo

Why I Hate Wii...or...Viedo Games Are Going To Kill Me....

2011-01-24T08:21:00.000-08:00

7am:
Dad, can I play some Wii this morning?

No. We don't play on school days, especially before school.

But we made it to the Asylum...

No.

But, Dad?

No!

Dad? How did we make it to the Asylum? Can we play the bad guys all the time now? How do we get back to the Asylum? What did we go through to get there? Can we go back? Do we get to play the Joker? What happens if Batman gets us while we're a bad guy? Can we fight Batman and Robin when we're bad guys? What happens if we beat Batman when we're bad guys? Can I play Wii after school today?

7:02am
Dad? Dad? Dad?.............Daaaaaaad?

No you can not play Wii during the school week! Stop asking. Or no Wii for the rest of your life.

Dad?

Yes?

If my friend Diego was playing Wii as a bad guy could he beat Batman?

(sigh!)I'm sure you meant to say good morning! Are you ready for school yet?

Dad? When can we play Wii? Is tomorrow the weekend? Can we play on the weekend? On the weekend can we still play the bad guys?

I'm sorry I couldn't hear you over placing the add for a free wii on craigslist.

Daaad! Can we play until you give it away?

7:03am
Dad? Dad? Dad?

Mom? Dad just bashed his head on the table and is sleeping. Can I play Wii until he wakes up?

Morning Giggles...or, Death, By Blow Job...

2011-01-18T08:24:00.000-08:00

As Mr. Man and I are getting ready for school, I hear him from the other room, "Dad, my hair's still soaked, I think I need a blow job this morning."

Excuse me?

"A blow job. I like getting dressed after a hot blowjob in the morning. "

Oooooo k......

"Would it be a good idea to bring the blower in the shower with us so we can blow job without getting out?"

Noooo. That kind of blow job would not be a good idea. The whole electric and water thing. Zap. Fry. Dead...

"Ok. I can wait for my blow job then."

That's a good idea, I would rather wait than die.

"What a way to go."

My thought's exactly.

I.LOVE.BAKING...

2011-01-11T13:14:00.004-08:00

Divisions Of Time...

2011-01-05T10:58:00.004-08:00

I have been pondering a New Year's post for about two weeks now. I have even written several of them.

I have been trying to sum up the past year. Basically, it blew large chunks. Which is what made me think about the last few years. All of which have really stunk up the charts.

This past 12 month period for example was complete with talk of separation and divorce. Child custody. Unemployed with out unemployment. Massive amounts of car repairs. Death. And various forms of personal and professional failure.

I mean, what's not to like.

But we're going to change a few things. Last year also brought us a new puppy. It brought me several new opportunities. It has brought new understanding of myself, of Precious and...well...

Anywho. Why do we need to break things up into year terms? Why 12 months? Why do they start in the middle of winter? Why not March 21st? Why not from leap year to leap year?

I'm tired of tracking my life in year long clumps. Life is too short for that. From now on I track my life from moment to moment. Each failure, the opportunity to learn and grow. Each success is one step closer to all of us being happy(er). A life of harmony. That's what I really want. Harmony. I'm not sure what I even mean by that, but that's what I want.

Begin small. You can't change everything at once. It's destined for failure and you'll go right back to old habits. No sir. Each day from the moment of consciousness, I greet the day with a smile. Even if it's forced. A pleasant morning together, breakfast, music and a laugh or two.

Mornings are our time together. Every morning is ours to determine what kind of day we begin.
I am choosing to begin them we joy.

As I head out into the world I try to keep that with me. Each situations outcome is largely up to me. I have always been told that I bring things on myself. Well then, it's time to bring on something better.

Each moment is mine. To do with, what I will.

So no matter how you divide your time, your moments are yours. Use them wisely.

Making A Difference...

2010-12-22T08:46:00.002-08:00

For years I've been writing about wanting certain things in my life to change. It's really sad, just how long I've been writing those same words.

My problem?

It's not that I don't really know. I think I do. I just can't admit it to myself yet. The motivation is there. I have the why. Meaning, I have something that I need to change for. Maybe I'm just lazy.

What I realize now, that I had not before, is that I can't make a problem change, by doing and acting the same way that caused the problem.

Insanity, is doing the same things over and over while expecting a different result. Clearly I'm insane. I keep doing the same things over and over and expecting things to turn out differently.

Well, now I'm on the path to actually change things. I'm doing something differently. I have a mentor that I believe in. And he in me. Which is already a big difference.

It could be that I'm selfish and ungrateful, but I have never really felt like I've had the best support. From anyone really. But this is no pity party.

Change the way you do things, and things will change. At least the outcome will be different than it has been. Let's hope anyway.

Maybe I should work on my attitude first?

My New Sideline...

2010-12-14T19:45:00.004-08:00

I have found a new business that I have been playing with. Two actually. It's quite a change from the art world. But I like it a great deal.

Sometimes you have do things out of your comfort zone. This is out of my zone. A good friend told me about SISEL and the products. Nutritional supplements, personal and home products. All 100% toxin free. A very Green company. Which is nice.

At first, I was instantly against this. Until I tried a few of the products. Eternity and FuCoyDon. After a couple of months, I hate to admit, but they work. They work well. I physically, feel better than I have in a very long time. (still working on my mental well being)

I encourage everyone to give these products a try. Feel better and live better.

ToolBiz and SISEL

Point Of View...

2010-12-10T10:22:00.002-08:00

It's all about how you see things. Two people looking at the same thing, but neither of them see it the same. They may have, from time to time. From certain angles. Similar, parallel, but never quite the same.

Maybe it's the definition of terms used. Fantasy can be Star Trek or My Little Pony. Similar, but no where near the same.

You go along and you want to believe that you are both seeing the same things. That you are both getting the same experience from the journey. But you're not. To one, this has always been one of the strengths. Two sides of every story. It's only now and then, that you notice differences in perspective. Interesting observations you hadn't noticed. A view from which you had not been privileged to before.

Then one of you says, "You know, maybe I don't ever want to watch My Little Pony again. Discuss...".

At first, this seems to come from no where. Then you give it some thought. They must have been thinking about this for a while. You don't just wake up one day and say no more MLP. People think about things. They mull them over. They talk to strangers on benches about how much they want to leave MLP behind and run away. Leave all their troubles and worries behind. It's only then do they mention it to their other.

There have been signs that MLP was a strain on the journey. Communication has always been a weakness for them. Things get looked over. Ones focal point is a little different than the other.

The hurt and painful parts of the journey, you over looked. For better, or worse. No matter how much you were hurt, you took that pain and stuffed it deep in the back of your darkest grey matter and you forget it. Because that is what you do. The joys of the journey mean infinitely more than the momentary pain. That is why you have one an other. To be there for the other. And to have someone when you need help.

Which is great...for one. The other though? They have a different perspective on things. To the other, maybe the journey is about something else. Maybe to the other it was about more than just the other. It's such a little thing to one and such a large thing to the other.

Two people looking at the same thing. One sees a boulder, the other sees a marble.

So now it's out there. One of you is tired of My Little Pony. Tired to the point that they would rather journey in a different direction. It annoys them that you always see marbles when there is clearly a boulder in front of you.

You see, the burden is directly proportional to the point of view. They look at the same thing. One sees a marble, they pick it up and they play. The other sees a boulder and tries to carry it on their own which is very difficult and causes undue stress, strain and worry. Not seeing it doesn't make it any less real. It's real to the one.

The one with the marble doesn't understand why the other won't just set the boulder down. The two of them together could figure out what to do with the boulder. The one with the boulder doesn't understand why the other is incapable of helping and would rather play with marbles while they carry the boulder alone.

Worlds apart, separated by a point of view.

Sir Winston McLoud...

2010-12-05T11:22:00.003-08:00

The newest member of our family.

Welcome To Baghdad...You Are Truly Free Now...

2010-12-02T08:56:00.001-08:00

Yesterday as I dropped Mr. Man at school, I was stuck in a 50 car traffic jam. The problem was that a few of the parents had decided that they should park in the clearly marked, NO PARKING FIRE LANE, instead of using the dozens of empty parking spaces that were no more than 25 feet from where they were stopped illegally.

It didn't matter to the few in the red zone, that they were holding up about 50 other parents that were following the rules.

Everyone just sat there. These few pew people were screwing things up for everyone. And everyone just sat there.

I couldn't help myself. I very politely mentioned to a couple of the offenders that they were blocking traffic by stopping in the red zone. Which, according to the DMV, last time I checked, was illegal every where, not just in school parking lots.

Before I even finished my sentence, one of the women jumped out of her car and started screaming at me. "MIND YOUR OWN FUCKIN BUSINESS!...."

It only got worse from there. I stood silently, with this woman just inches from my face screaming at me about what a fuck I was, and everyone else was doing it, and blah blah blah.

I thought about knocking her out. I thought about giving her a hug. Instead, I shook my head, and told her I felt sorry for her, and I walked away. She was still screaming obscenities at me as I left.

I want a new rule. If you want to act in an uncivilized manner and behave the way this woman and the others like her. Fine. But we, as a civilized society, should be able to ship their dumb asses to the Middle East, or Somalia, or any where else people act like barbarians. Where there are no rules and you can be the biggest douche bag you want to be.

We have all become so afraid of sticking up for what's right for fear of offending someone else, or being sued. We have these rules for a reason. If you think you are above those rules, fine. Enjoy Iraq, and your world with no rules. You'll get dropped off with a Bible and a tee shirt showing a terrorist Muhammad on it. See just how special you really are.

Purple...

2010-12-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

...is the color of courage. The Purple Belt symbolizes that a student has started to unite mind, body and spirit.

For all of the work, I am not feeling very united.

Daylight Time Travel Savings...

2010-11-09T11:38:00.003-08:00

Precious: Mr. Man, remind me that we need to turn your clock back one hour before bed time.

Mr. Man: Why?

P: It's called Daylight Savings Time. We turn the clocks back one hour in the fall.

M:What do we do with the extra hour? Do we get to remember it?

P: ?

M: Do we get to remember the hour and do things again or do we have to do things the same way?

P: We don't get to go back in time, we just change the clocks.

M: Well what good is that?

The Force Is Strong In This One..

2010-11-01T11:37:00.004-07:00

I had a costume just like this one. Only larger. Precious made a beautiful Slave Leia.

A little known fact: All the good Jedi, wore Sneakers.

The photos are still coming in. Scandalous.

My Favorite Holiday...

2010-10-31T13:16:00.003-07:00

Only one Jack-o-lantern this year so we made it good and creepy.

More photos later. This year we are the many generations of STAR WARS.

Something Different...

2010-10-19T10:38:00.004-07:00

This is one of the studies for a new painting I was asked to create. This one is 36 x 48 inches, oil on canvas. The finished work will be about twice that size.

Still, In The Studio...

2010-10-14T10:40:00.002-07:00

So, I've found a great model, Summer, and have now painted several works based on her.

Here are a couple more, plus my first diagonal.

oil 12 x 16

oil 12 x 12

I'm thinking of doing more like this, in groups or patterns...

oil 8 x 24

In The Studio...Continued

2010-10-05T11:06:00.002-07:00

Ok, so I've been busy this morning.

This one used to be called, "Where is this relationship going". After a few modifications... Now she is "Anastasia". 18 x 24 inches.

This one was just a brick wall. This morning I added the girl. 18 x 24 inches.

This one got a cheek reconstruction, eye brow shaping and a new hair cut and color. 16 x 20 inches.

This one is all new. Also very pleased with her. 16 x 20 inches, oil on canvas.

In The Studio...

2010-10-05T09:21:00.003-07:00

Being sad is exhausting. But it also feeds creativity. So, meet the new additions. All are 12 x 16 inches, oil on canvas with varnish, and may or may not get cracked. No one sells the cracking varnish around here anymore.

There are four more waiting for the finishing touches. Maybe today.

I'm pleased with the first two, but the third, may be my favorite one yet.

As always, name suggestions are always welcome.

IVY - Sept 1998 to Oct 2010

2010-10-02T09:21:00.005-07:00

It's difficult to sum up in words what an impact some creatures have on our lives. For the last twelve years you have brought us joy, laughter and happiness. A constant companion that went every where with us. Letting us roll you in a towel like a burrito in order to sneak you into hotels. Sleeping on our laps as we drove across country. Several times. Sleeping by Mr. Man's bed when he was new to our family. You were a wonderful big sister

A champion soft Frisbee catcher. OCD about tennis balls. A master body surfer, for some one vertically challenged. A loyal and trusted friend and our little girl.

You will be remembered in everything we do. I hope you find that farm in the country where all dogs go when they get old.

We love you.

I Was Wrong...

2010-09-22T09:59:00.003-07:00

It's not a lack of creative thought that is ruining humanity. It's a lack of any thought at all.

When did it become impossible for people to pull their heads out of their asses long enough to look around?

Every day I get bombarded with the most asinine political and social trash I have ever heard. Sure, it doesn't help that I live in one of the few right wing conservative areas of California but seriously, people, open your minds, and your eyes, and close your mouths.

The political...

Everyone seems to have forgotten that our government is run by three branches. The president does not make decisions on his own. He doesn't just do things for the hell of it.

Have we all lost sight of the fact that our president needs the other two branches to get anything done? Let me remind you all that there are a Legislative, and Judicial branch as well as the Executive.

Try to think about the future of our country and not just the next election. Try to think about the good of the whole and not just what's good for you.

And the social...

When people like Snookie are getting paid $20,000 per, and more to make appearances at clubs, talk shows, and shoot magazine covers, it is seriously time to re-evaluate who we have become.

This has really gotten embarrassing.

A Lack Of Creative Thought Is Ruining My Childhood...And Humanity

2010-09-12T09:26:00.004-07:00

I have always been a big fan of cartoons. I love them. Almost all of them. I have a few favorites that I watched as a kid. With Boomerang I have been able to share those classics with Mr. Man.

This morning we got up and were looking for a toon to watch before breakfast. (I will allow a toon or two in the mornings if things are going well)

Anywho...

I see that Scooby-Doo is on. I love Scooby and the gang. Except...this one is a little different. Ok so far, I can live with a few updates of technology. I can even live with the fact that Cacey Kasem doesn't always do the voice of Shag anymore. I can put up with the show being made into really bad live action movies. I will take the fact that they keep wanting to change the way the characters dress.

What I can't take, what I wont take, is major alterations to the personalities of the characters.

This morning, Scooby heard Shag wrestling in the bushes. Being the true hero that Scooby is, he jumped into the bush to save his best friend.

What he found...what I witnessed...was one of the most horrendous, most disturbing, most disgusting abomination of a classic that I have ever seen. And I have seen some horrific alterations to TV and it's shows and characters over the years. But this...the image is still burning in my brain hours later. I may never be able to forget the horror. The tragedy. The complete prostitution of a classic character. Years after I'm dead I will roll in my grave thinking about this crime. Yes crime. A piece of my childhood has been stolen and forced to into the sex trade.

Wait for it.....

As Scooby jumped through the bushes....He discovered....Shag.....and Thema.....

Oh the humanity!

Shag and Thema ....were KISSING! KISSING!

Why! Why!? Why?

Now, I am far from a prude. I'm a big fan of kissing, dating, goo-goo eyes, and even sex on television. I think it's far better than the violence that we see every where. Even in kids shows.

When it comes down to it I will pick sex over violence every time.

But this....there is absolutely no excuses for this. They can justify it any way they want. There is no reason for this. The gang does not kiss one another. The gang was all about the subtle and at times not so subtle innuendo and implied sex that may or may not have been happening between Fred and Daph. That is all there ever was. That is all there ever should be.

Scooby-Doo, and all other classic toons do not need to be altered to the miss-shappen, dysfunctional, ADHD ridden youth of today. If they don't get the classics in classic form, then we have failed the youth. If they wont watch unless the gang is getting jiggy with each other, then we have failed society. Our future has no chance of evolving into anything greater and we are doomed to a future of mindless debauchery and total ignorance that is "reality" television.

What's next, Captain Cave Man selling insurance? Jabber Jaws being sliced up and served as sushi? The Flintstones become swingers?

Why? Why would anyone in their right mind want to do this? What kind of sick and twisted mind would do this? How much money did it take, for these douche bags in suits to sell our past of fond memories and childish laughter and turn it into Sex in the City?

How sad as humanity become that we are unable to come up with anything original that we have to destroy the past of a generation?

Where do we draw the line?

Addiction Kicked...

2010-09-10T08:05:00.002-07:00

Chester has lost his appeal. The game never changes. Just battle, battle, battle. Over and over. PLus, the only way to save your history is to be a member of Facebook. That's where they lost me. NO FACEBOOK!.

Sorry Chester, your game is cheesy, and gets old fast.

Our Newest Addiction...

2010-08-31T09:37:00.003-07:00

Battle Of The Cheetos!

Mr. Man and I are with the Crunchy Alliance.

A Taste Of Things To Come...

2010-08-24T20:03:00.005-07:00

Picture something you remember fondly. Or even something that was horrid. A smell, a taste, the combination of the two.

How many of you can actually taste it with nothing more than the thought? That bite it had on your tongue. The slight sting in your nose. The thought alone is enough for most. Some of you need to smell it first and then you can taste it.

The aroma of a freshly bathed baby. Roses. Fresh cut grass. Bread baking. That spot at the base of your lovers neck. The thought can bring back the scents.

What if all you had was the memory of those things? What of those scents and tastes no longer existed? What if your next inhale of aroma was your last? Your last bite of chocolate was the last piece?......

Lessons In Parenting And Karate...

2010-08-12T07:10:00.004-07:00

In order for the kids to advance in their belt ranks, they need to bring home a letter for parents and teachers to sign. Saying that the students are behaving at home and acting the way they are wanted too.

This week Mr. Man brought home a letter for his Orange Belt Test.

He's a great kid outside of the house. When home...he dawdles. He back talks now and then. He moves at his own pace no matter what. Nothing major but there is room for improvement. We want him to realize that.

Last night at his lessons I mentioned these things to his Sensei and suggested that he wait until next month for his test.

I thought that would be it.

As I watched, I realized that Sensei was taking this much more seriously that I had imagined. I thought they would just make him wait. Not only are they making him wait, but they took his Yellow belt away from him.

Mr. Man took it way better than I did. I wanted to cry. I felt so bad I couldn't look him in the eye. I had no idea they would do that. I thought once they earned their belts they had them forever. Or until they earned the next one.

Wrong!

Now he has to earn his yellow belt back before he can test for orange. I have been feeling bad enough as it was. Now I feel like a complete tosser.

Why is it the lessons we try to teach our kids, are harder on the parents? I feel like I'm the one being punished.

It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated...

2010-08-04T23:34:00.004-07:00

The following message was in my mail today.

During the month of July, the International Blogging Recognition Council (IBRC) had the pleasure of reviewing your blog Mad William. Your blog was referred to IBRC through our Refer-A-Blog program. "Orange..." was the topic that the Council reviewed. Based on the review, the Council has recommended that your blog receive IBRC’s designation of “Recognized Blog”. IBRC reserves this honor to those blogs that effectively connects with the audience and promotes the sharing of ideas and experiences.

We invite you to visit our website at www.ibrcblog.org to learn more about IBRC and our “Recognized Blog” award. Congratulation on your accomplishment.

Sarah L. Tolten

Review Committee Chair

International Blogging Recognition Council

I clicked on the link to check out my award and found out that for a mere $45 I can add my site to IBRC and view my recognition. That's awesome.

Why...It's a major award!

I can be so lucky sometimes.

(did the snar-casm come through in that, or was I too vague?)

Orange...

2010-07-24T10:29:00.002-07:00

...like Yellow, is also the color of the sun, but the sun at zenith. The Orange Belt indicates the first flash of day has matured: on whose skill and understanding are reaching new heights.

Before And After, Cracked Edition...

2010-07-12T16:50:00.003-07:00

Meet the new Mikelle and Joan.

Before

After Cracking and tinting.

Detail

Before

After cracking and tinting.

Detail.

It's a little difficult to see, but trust me. It looks really cool.

So Far...

2010-06-24T18:33:00.006-07:00

One of the greatest obstacles I face as an artist, is knowing when to quit. Actually, it's not just with my art. I have the same issue with everyday life. I never quite know when to stop.

I do know that trying to over analyze things only makes them worse. My instincts are fairly good and following my heart has taken me on an unforgettable journey. I regret none of it.

So why change things when a few minor adjustments would do the trick? Simple is almost always better.

What to do with paintings that just don't sell? Often I paint over them and create something new. This time I decided to be a little less dramatic and a bit more cosmetic. Maybe they could just be re-worked.

I picked out six works that have been collecting dust and gave them a little something extra.

Here are two of them at the, "so far" stage. So far, so good.

Before

After

Before

After

This is just fun with scotch tape. The first four strips are on my face. I eventually had eleven. Sorry, no photo of that. Mr. Man was beginning to freak out and ran to hide.

Always remember and never forget: Love only works if you give it away. So spread the love.

There's A Little Green Man In My Head...

2010-06-21T13:37:00.003-07:00

It recently occurred to me that we may never know if things are fixed. Maybe somethings can't really be fixed. They get stuck back together and you just hope for the best. Once broken things are weaker and more vulnerable. When can I relax? Ever? Or do I always need to be proving myself. I mean, more than I try to do normally.

A few months ago, she gave her wedding ring back. Said, "You should put this some place safe. It doesn't feel right to wear it."

So what do I do with it? Keep it? Until when? Am I supposed to give it, or offer it back at some point? Am I to replace it with a new one? Maybe she is supposed to ask for it back. How long should I wait? Should I give it back or say no? Should I stop wearing my ring? Mine still feels right. Should it not? I'm confused.

I'm also alone for the next seven days which isn't helping. Precious and Mr. Man are on their way to the middle of Nowhere Nebraska. They left on Father's Day. I never thought to ask if she intended to come back. Could be why I haven't heard from them. Or it's more likely that there is no service provider for her phone in Nowhere, and she hasn't thought about asking to use some one else's.

Our house is so amazingly quiet without them. I don't like it at all. The dog and cat keep looking at me, all accusatory, like it's my fault they aren't here. None of us can sleep. I hate sleeping alone. Too much bed, not enough naked skin.

Being back in La Jolla has been like stepping back in time, only in an alternate universe. So much is frighteningly the same. Some things have changed completely. I feel like someone has altered our reality and I'm the only one that's noticed. Where's The Doctor when I need him?

OMFG!

2010-06-15T10:29:00.001-07:00

Three things:

1) "News" and "Kardashian" should never be used in the same sentence together.
2) How can anyone really be that stupid?
3)These are the people that we choose to worship and bestow with fame and fortune.

Khloe Kardashian Takes a Pregnancy Test
USMagazine, June 14, 2010
Related: News, Khloe Kardashian

Khloe Kardashian says those recent pregnancy rumors really messed with her head.

"I'm so nuts that I went out and got a pregnancy test!" she said Monday on nationally syndicated radio show, The Bert Show. "I was like, What if they know something that I don't? That's how confused I got. I was like, I don't wanna lie, so let me figure this out."

When her husband Lamar Odom - with whom she celebrates her one-year anniversary in September - came home and saw the test, he was just as baffled.

"He was like, What's going on?" she recalled. "He was like, You let [the rumors] confuse you?"

"I was like, Yes, I'm sorry!" said Kardashian, 25.

She said she has "no idea" how the rumors started.

"I'm not pregnant," she insisted. "I don't know where people come up with these reports! Who confirmed that I am two months pregnant? Someone else says I have a baby name. I'm like, who are you guys talking to?"

Paint...Cook...Paint...

2010-06-03T11:13:00.003-07:00

Pelican Point Sunset

An almost perfect crustless quiche. Mushrooms, Ham, 3 Cheeses, Asparagus.

Dark Breakers

On Going...

2010-05-21T18:59:00.002-07:00

Something New...

2010-05-03T23:26:00.003-07:00

I started this painting tonight. There is something about this one I really like so far. I know that this photo is absolute crap. It's almost midnight and it's too dark in my studio to get a good shot. It might help if I didn't paint by M&M Christmas lights.

She's 12 x 16, and still a work in progress. Close but not quite. Maybe tomorrow I can get a decent photo before I paint more. Although I will most likely go back to the studio as soon as I hit the publish button.

I learned this afternoon, that the people at Dick Blick Art Store do not know everything about painting and techniques. I went to find Aging varnish. I need it to go under the cracking varnish. Well, the store didn't carry the aging varnish and told me that any varnish should work under the cracking varnish. They were wrong. The cracking varnish does not work with any varnish under it.

The Blick people are usually so good.

Mending Fences...

2010-04-28T10:25:00.002-07:00

How do you mend a fence that has now been broken twice? What can you do to fix a mistake...a flaw?...maybe, the mistake, has now been repeated and the fence torn. Does a flaw imply a lack of responsibility? Probably. Which makes the mistake all the worse and actions can only be blamed on the stupidity of the person in question. Sort of a, "What the fuck were you thinking?!" moment. Maybe not the first time, but most certainly the second. There is no other excuse than pure stupidity.

It's been said that you can't fix stupid. Wow, I hope that isn't true.

But back to my original thought. The lack of thought. You get it? The first time, there was...

Shit!

No. There was no thought the first time either. Pure fucking egotistical stupidity. Yes, ego. Thinking about your actions before, and deciding that you are too smart and won't get caught tearing down sections of fence.

And why you ask, would someone want to tear down a fence?

Because they think they deserve more than they have earned. Simple as that. Greed. Fucking greed! Wanting more than you deserve and thinking you deserve more than you have earned. So not, the person I believe myself to be. I despise greed, of all kinds. It's not just about money and power. It applies on many levels.

Now this fence that I speak of is not just a fence. It's an agreement. We are going to live connected to one another. On each side of the fence are our responsibilities. For the connection to work, each must keep up their responsibilities. They each need to tend to the fence. Equally. Honestly.

After all, sharing a fence is a huge commitment. You are going to be joined with this other person for ever. You need to be close.

Some people know right away if they could share a fence. I did. As soon we met, I knew we were going to be friends. Long before we would share a fence together.

Very early on, I had a few tough decisions to make. There were a lot of people involved. A great deal at stake. Maybe, maybe not. It seemed so at the time. (Hind-sight is a curse) I chose poorly. and I hurt everyone involved because when it came right down to it, I wanted to cover my ass and not admit that I had done anything wrong. I was forced by the actions of someone else first, blah blah blah...

I. Chose. Poorly.

My best friend, forgave me. I knew that I needed to share a fence with this wonderful person. My best friend. I wanted them in my life on a daily basis. To share everything with the other. Mind, body and soul.

Years go by. Life is grand. We have share everything. We have seen the best and worst of the other and never flinched. We lived our lives side by side, connected, joined, by our fence. Even added a little cross section of fence that dissected our fence.

One day, a voice in my head told me to tear down part of our fence. Our connection. And give it to someone else. I knew someone else a long time ago.

I was faced with a choice. Now the person I believe myself to be, knows right away. Without thought. That the answer is no. Why would I give away part of our fence? I wouldn't.

I'm heart broken to admit, but that, is exactly what I did.

Now, had I gone to my best friend at the beginning and told them what my little voice was saying, I'm sure it would not have been a problem, we could have worked out why my voice is an idiot and laughed about all of it later.

Instead, I kept it to myself and hoped my best friend wouldn't notice or find out about the missing piece of fence. Really. I can't even imagine me doing something like that even as I read the words back to myself. What kind of best friend am I? What kind of any friend? Twice now I have done something that goes against everything that I claim to be. It goes against everything I want to be. One of which is a good example and care taker to our little fence. There is a right way and a wrong way to treat people.

Well twice now, I have forgotten that rule.

I. Chose. Poorly.

Except this time, It's different. There is so much more involved this time. Truly, so much more at stake.
Like the first time, my best friend gave me another chance. Thank you. I promise to be worthy.

However this time, as the fence gets mended, there will be a piece missing. A small piece of our fence that I gave away.

I said it before. I said it this time too. I'm sorry. To my best friend. To our little fence. To my old friend.
You all deserved more from me. But especially my best friend. A person that I have now spent more time with, than any other human. A huge part of who I am and who I want to be. Someone that I would be incomplete with out.

Bold Moves...

2010-04-20T11:35:00.004-07:00

1:45 am, still in the studio. Sleep...a lovely thought I keep as close to the edge of my mind as I can without it slipping away for good. Too many other things crowding to the front. Too many distractions. Caught in a whirlwind...

now usually I would have gone with a water reference right there; tidal wave, tsunami, flood, lost at sea, where I used "whirlwind". I'm much more of a water person and I just used an air reference. I wonder what that means...

Where was I? Distractions. No. Bold! Ya that's it...

So, another Chadette. 10 x 30 inches, un-named as of yet. Possibly not finished.

Bold? This is the first time I can remember consciously willing to risk the destruction of a painting to take it in another direction. I'm a little more cautious with my painting than the rest of my life for some reason.

It didn't take much, but there was to be no going back. It has taken me almost a year of deliberation as to what I should do to this canvas. I liked the painting the way it was, but I thought it needed something else. I just wasn't sure what.

This morning it dawned on me, (I just got that, sorry), she needed to be part of the Sorrow Series. She just wasn't sad enough.

After a lengthy discussion with myself...I think I fixed that...

She's almost there...

12:45 to 2:30 AM...

2010-04-19T09:45:00.003-07:00

Being an insomniac means I have several extra hours a day that most people don't. I try to make that time productive and not just watch mindless television. (The quality of programming at those late night, early morning hours is really quite horrible. I mean, really? Out of all of the years of television, this is the best you have left to put on the air? Seriously?) Sorry I dislike Television.

Anywho...I've been painting...

My first Chadette of 2010, and it only took me four and half months. As of yet untitled, 12 x 16 inches.

This and the other nude with the blue spaz background, are 36 x 48 inches. Still in progress.

*****

I only have two weeks at the restaurant left. I'm going to miss it. It is really a bizarre world that I enjoy for the most part. This is a pretty good group of people.

The chef has always tried to be very good to me. They really want me to stay. I've been offered more money and more responsibility. It was flattering, but I need something more right now. Just once, I would like to give stability a try.

Background Check...

2010-04-15T08:48:00.003-07:00

As you can see I've been playing with the background. It crossed my mind this morning to paint over the entire back and make it bright white with sort of a very very pale yellow orange tint in it...maybe just white...We'll see.

Either way I think it's almost done.

Give And Take...

2010-04-11T22:57:00.005-07:00

There has to be give and take. It has to be honest. There has to be trust. They are works in progress.

In painting it comes easy. I give a little, I take a little. I'm honest with my canvas and my work comes from the heart. I trust in my skills and my medium to provide from what I give. As I paint and give of myself, I learn. I learn about painting. I learn new skills. I learn about myself and what I want from my work.

In a relationship, give and take, honesty and trust come more difficultly. When another person is involved. Other feelings and emotions come into play. I know what to expect from a canvas and paint. When I start to think that I know what to expect from another person, inevitably I find out I know nothing about what to expect, and very little about other people.

Communication with a canvas is simple. Even when I am lost and have nothing to tell a canvas and I stare at it's blank surface for days on end, I know exactly what it's all about. I know that a single stroke is all it takes and the blank silence is broken.

When there is a silence between people, emotions change, walls go up. Nerves are on end. Suspicions grow. At times they are well founded. Other times not. With each moment of silence, it becomes more difficult to break through. You start thinking about what needs to be said. What if it's the wrong thing? How will what's said be taken by the other person? The silence grows. As do the doubts and questions.

I used to think that life was simple. As I have learned of late, I am often wrong.

What may seem simple to one, is very complicated to another. What may seem harmless to one, may seem suspicious to another. A word miss spoken can not be taken back. An honest comment may come across as harsh and uncaring. Even something as simple as a kiss, can be taken the wrong way at times. Who knew?

When I'm in my studio, even when creatively blocked and unable to produce a simple mark, I know where I stand. It's outside the studio that my life is thrown into the abyss, not knowing from moment to moment which end is up.

I have never understood why some artists fear their creativity and the process. A blank canvas is nothing to fear. Art is simple. It's everything outside of the studio that's scary and complicated.

And with this I give you my latest learning experience.

Today, I learned that a little black, goes a long way. Still a work in progress. Me and my art.

More Paint...More learning...

2010-04-05T14:00:00.003-07:00

Not spending near enough time in the studio, the skills don't stay as sharp as they should. Every session is a new learning experience.

I made a little progress in spots, and I took a few steps backwards in spots. Either way I was pleased with this session. Mr. Man and I spent about two hours in the studio painting and laughing at one another, so it was all good.

Change...Together...

2010-03-26T10:46:00.005-07:00

When we first met, there was a bench in front of the gallery where we worked. We would often sit on that bench and talk. We got to know one another and became friends there.

Last week was our 8th anniversary. It seemed to me that we needed a reminder of those talks and that bench. So I got us a bench of our own for an anniversary gift. I set it in our back garden. We have spent a lot more time talking and bonding and trying to reconnect. Trying to remember what made us fall in love to begin with.

It's kind of funny how difficult it becomes to talk with someone that you have known and been with for so many years. All of the sudden we're strangers trying to get to know one another again.

*****

Yesterday was Mr. Man's very first play. "Down on the Farm". He played a horse. I took the video camera, tested it, made sure I had a fresh disk, lens cap was off.

The play started, I hit record, the red light went on. I panned, I zoomed in and out, I moved around to get him and his friends.

Thirty minutes later I hit the record button again to stop it...and nothing happened. I tried it again. Nothing. I started to look around and figure it out...and realized I had it set to camera. Not video.

I didn't get a single second of it.

King size fail!

We were there though. He was an awesome horse! We laughed and clapped and had a great time.

*****

For the first time in way too long, I painted something. It's crude, out of proportion, it's rough, it needs a lot more work...but it's paint on canvas and damn it felt good to spend even a few minutes in the studio.

*****

I'm looking forward to starting my new job next month. I miss the art world, no matter how screwed up it is, it suits me. I'm also looking into starting a new home base MLM business. Going to change the world. Change is a constant. At least in my life.

*****

Life is full of ups and downs. It's a struggle. We don't really have a choice. We go on. In one way or another, we go on. We make the best of what we're given and work our asses off for what we think we want, trying our best to make sure we have what we need.

We will go on. We'll spend more time on our bench. We will go to all of the plays in person, just in case they don't get recorded. We will work towards the things need, and try for the things we want. Without fear. Together.

Something To Fear...

2010-03-18T08:35:00.003-07:00

How many chances does a person get to do the right thing? For months, or more, I have been writing about how bad things are with Precious. How she broke my heart. How we seem to have lost one another. I went back and read my posts. I never mentioned any of the things that made me love her. I never wrote about how happy we were. I never really gave her the credit she deserved or thanked her for putting up with my frequent stupidity.

I've been blaming her for our troubles and making excuses for my behavior. As if it were justified in some way.

We spent much of the night talking. Crying.

In all the time I have been so unhappy thinking that Precious had given up on us, I never once thought to tell her how I was really feeling. When we talked, it was her talking. I tend not to say much. Even when I should. Most times my silence is taken for uncaring or indifference.

It's really just me being afraid of saying the wrong things. I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to actually sharing any real feelings. I've always been a wall builder. Keeping myself safely behind them. I didn't realize that some where I built a wall between us. I am the one that gave up on us.

When things started getting hard and our relationship was tested, I went into hiding.

It's clear to me now why she said she didn't really trust me. I wasn't trusting her. Instead of talking to my best friend about how I felt, I turned to another. I was afraid of losing the things I treasured most and I put those things at risk even farther by being a jackass.

This morning Precious gave me her wedding ring and asked to keep it some place safe.

How is it possible for me to have hurt the person I care most about? I've been a terrible partner and a horrible friend. Saying sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.

Now that I realize that I may have screwed things up beyond what we can fix, of course it's too late. I was so upset that she didn't trust me that I went ahead and destroyed any trust that may have been left. And for what?

I guess now I have some thing to really fear.

Letting Go...

2010-03-18T01:03:00.003-07:00

The past is almost inescapably. No matter how much time passes or how much we may want to forget, it's always there. Our past. A semi constant reminder of who we used to be. Or thought we were.

Now and then it is brought to our attention the our past wasn't quite the way we remember it. What may seem true to one person could be complete fantasy to another.

Apparently much of my past was fantasy. I have a hard time separating fantasy from reality and, that when making a desision that involves me personally, I may have a problem with right and wrong. And no matter how much time passes I will most likely always be a lousy communicator. I'm not anymore special than anyone else.

Tonight we spoke about splitting. Was there anything worth trying to save. Who would get Mr. Man. What we would do after. What the other person would do. It turns out we don't know one another very well at all and neither of us are very good communicators.

With all of the problems we have been having it was something new that brought up this talk.

This time it was all me. I did something amazingly asinine. I have no excuses. Just an other example of me sabotaging my life and not thinking about what I'm doing until it's too late. Sadly this part of my past is very accurate.

It seemed innocent at the time. I didn't think about how she might feel about it. It was a betrayal on my part. Instead of telling her how I felt I chose to tell someone else.

I turned my back on my best friend. My lover. My wife. My Precious. I put our entire history and our future at risk over something that I barely gave a thought. In my mind I knew it didn't mean anything. We were venting. Counseling. Playing. It wasn't something I took seriously. But it was very serious to Precious.

I didn't give her the credit or the respect she deserves and I hurt her badly. I am a complete and total ass.

She and Mr. Man are all that have ever mattered to me and I risked losing over someone I barely know.

I think it's about time for me to let go of my past. Remember it for what it was. A series of unfortunate events that I have embellished over the years to make me look good or feel better about being ass. I'm not any better. I'm not so much smarter. I'm not entitled to any more than I work for. It's not all about me.

Artsy-Fartsy...

2010-03-15T11:26:00.002-07:00

I just can't stay away. This time, much like the last time, I was tired of the insanity and I wasn't going back.

Shit...

Today I agreed to sign on with a new gallery. It's director I have worked with in another lifetime. Two of the other consultants may be from the same long ago life.

This whole circle of life thing is really freaking me out. The duality of this is truly bizarre.

I love to cook, but I'm not going anywhere at the restaurant. No room for growth and no money to speak of, so, on we go to another adventure.

Back...to the world of art.

Yellow...

2010-03-13T10:26:00.004-08:00

...is the color of the sun as well as the color of light and new riches. The Yellow Belt indicates that the light of a new day has begun to shine. It is the color of learning.

Last night I had my test for Yellow Belt. I passed. Now I'm the same rank as Mr. Man.

Before my testing he gave me some great advice.

"Dad, you know how I almost threw up and wanted to quit during my test? Well, try not to do that, Cuz Master T will notice if you throw up. You can do it Dad. Just don't throw up and you'll be ok."

It was close, but I did alright.

RIP 94.9 San Diego...Free radio is now dead

2010-02-26T10:27:00.003-08:00

Dear 94.9,

I want to express the deep and utter sadness I'm feeling this morning. I have been a loyal listener for the last seven years. I have been with you from the beginning. When I moved away I listened to you online.

You "were" the only station I have ever found the put the focus on music without pandering to the lowest common denominator of society.

Until today. When I turned on the radio in my car and found that you have added the Mikey show. I had to re-adjust my tuner thinking I had changed channels by mistake or accident. I even called the station to confirm the horror that I was hearing.

I realize that you are in business and need good ratings, but are four hours of air time really enough make or break the station? Is the morning slot the only one that matters or the slot that means the most?

Once that first step down the slippery slope has been taken it's over. For now it's only the Mikey show and four hours of the day. Then it will be the mid day show. Then the evening drive home show. Next thing you know you have become just another Clear Channel nightmare for those of us with active brain cells.

I plead with you and your parent company, Lincoln Financial Media, to reconsider. I plead with you to go over your mission statement.

Rule No. 1 - It's about the music!
Rule No. 2 Listen to your listeners.

Are there really so many of your loyal listeners that want the Mikey show? I don't believe that 94.9 fans would want that kind of thing on their station. All of the other stations already pander to those mouth breathers.

When in doubt, see rule No 1. It's about the music!

You are clearly in doubt, so please refer back to Rule No. 1. It's about the music. Mikey is NOT about the music. Mikey's a jackass.

I'm going to miss you all. I can't sit by and watch you die an agonizing death by slowly turning into everything else on the air waves. Free radio is now dead.

My deepest condolences,
Mad William

Misplaced...

2010-02-04T22:06:00.004-08:00

Being the romantic type, I have been in love many times in my life. As life goes, most have ended in one way or another. The greatest of them was Precious. Not just that this love was the most recent, but because it was very different than the others. A new level. A new connection. A new reality. Several new fantasies. It changed me as a person. It changed the way I think and act.

It was beyond problems. It was what all others dream of having. A connection that has been between us for thousands of years.

The more one gives of themselves, the more risk of eventual pain proportionate to the level of yourself given. Looking back, the thought of being hurt, never occurred to me. We were beyond pain.

(One of the side effects of love is poor perception and reasoning skills when related to your love interest.)

This is probably how I missed that something was wrong. The connection we had...the dream I thought we were...had been misplaced. Problems. What I thought we were, was no longer. Lost in a moving box perhaps, not yet unpacked.

Love changes. It grows and thrives. It withers and dies. It's seldom dull and often painful, sometimes misplaced. Worth the chance, every time. For the greatest of loves, it's worth living in a bit of pain if it means finding us again.

Risk Management....

2010-01-26T00:39:00.004-08:00

What's the most important thing to you? The thing you treasure more than anything else in your life. More than your life itself.

What would it take for you to risk it all? What would it take for you to put it all on the line and roll the dice?

It's surprising. Most humans put very little thought into the consequences of their actions. We tend to run on instinct alone at times. Giving little to no thought about what will happen after. And thinking after the fact, is way too late. It's a very dangerous why to go through life.

Even those that are relatively level headed, will make rash and surprising decisions at times. Putting their entire lives at risk, not to mention the lives of others, over something that most would consider insignificant and foolish, if not just down right stupid.

I'm not sure our brains work the way they should.

The North Wind...

2010-01-24T21:32:00.005-08:00

As does happen in my life, when the North wind rolls through I feel a desire to follow. Gypsy blood runs deep within my veins.

But lately the wind has been swirling. Coming from several directions at once. Not knowing which way to go I have stayed in place. My heart confused and restless. Eager to move and follow my wanderlust that guides me.

I fear I have become lost in my confusion. I labor over, and doubt my decisions that once were instinctual. I second guess and questions my actions. Surrounded by a sea of humanity, I'm alone.

A few months ago I would have told you that I had most everything I ever wanted from life. Now I wonder if I haven't lost them. Or worse, thrown them away with my foolishness and fantasies. I fear that I may have forgotten which is real and which is imagined.

I waited and wanted for so long. Imagining what might be. What could be. It was all I had hoped and yet less. Something changed, as it always does. As I knew and feared it would. How, I'm not entirely sure. Only time will tell.

The wind blew and mussed our hair. In all my thinking and dreaming, the reality is never the same. It's wonderful and heart breaking, in most ways breath taking. It clouds and tears your eyes to impair you vision and the world goes fuzzy for a time.

The wind blew, and for now, I'm glad. It always brings something unexpected. For better or worse, it is what makes hearts race and passions burn or fade.

I shall stand and face the wind, eyes tearing and blurry, open to the world ahead of me.

Round And Round We Go...

2010-01-22T00:53:00.003-08:00

There is something about circles. It eludes me at this point. Everything is circular. The universe. Our solar system. Our planet. All planets for that matter. Our lives. Born live die. Circular in more ways than that.

At least my life is circular. I'm guessing that all our lives are.

The saying goes: what goes around, comes around. It sure as shit does. History repeats itself. Over and over and over.

I've been here before. Several times in fact. It would appear that my circle is about ten years in diameter. Give or take. The orbit moves a bit because the locations and settings have changed, but only a little at that.

How do I break orbit, or change it's rotation? How do I expand my circle? Can I change it, or am I stuck in this loop? I feel like I'm in an episode of Star Trek when they get stuck in a time causality loop. I realize I have been here before and it's much more than deja vu, but by the time I figure it out I've been sucked into the past again and start all over.

So, am I the one making people in my life act and react in similar ways to the different people in my life years ago that acted and reacted the way they did? Or am I attracted to people that are similar to the ones from my past? Quite frankly it's all just a bit frickin strange at times. It's like I've seen this movie but with different actors.

It seems that I am the only common factor. So around I go. And I hate merry go rounds. Makes me dizzy.

New...

2010-01-07T12:47:00.003-08:00

...year

...address

...landlord

...studio

...attitude

...problems

...dreams

...internet connection (next week)

...friends

...job (hopefully next week)

...outlook

...conversations about old conversations

...visits with old friends

...hopes for a better year than last

Unaware Or Don't Care...

2009-12-22T12:06:00.004-08:00

I try to be aware of the things I say to others, and the impact those words have. Especially when I'm saying things that might not be what they want to hear.

But what do you do when someone says things, and they seem to have no idea of what they've done.

They have broken your heart and made you question everything that you thought you knew about them, or about yourself. Then a day later everything is, as it was before. Or somewhat at least.

You think to yourself: Maybe they don't realize what they said or the impact it had. Or worse, they do realize what they've done and they don't care.

I've been trying to process everything, not necessarily by choice. I can't get it out of my head. Thinking about what was said and how it was meant. Thinking about the week that has followed and how those actions feed the things that were said in the years before. Confirming them in a way I had not seen before. Or had seen but been denying until confronted.

The things from the past make more sense in a way, and at the same time they have become more cruel than I had previously thought. I have all new doubts in my mind. All new fears.

I've never liked or been good at confrontation but I'm not sure I can let this go or stick it in the vault and try to forget. Somethings are too big to lock away.

Confrontation could and probably will make things worse, but if they're as bad as they seem they can't really get worse. Maybe not knowing for sure is worse than clearing the air.

I guess it is possible that I have misunderstood and am way off base. I don't think so, but I have to keep it as at least one of the possibilities because at this point it's the only positive, and I need at least one positive in this scenario.

Anyway I look at it, I'm confused.

Illusions...

2009-12-15T17:42:00.002-08:00

Pain is a funny thing. I've experienced a lot of it my life. Been cut and stabbed, burned, had bones broken, eyes poked, had friends killed and loved ones lost, even been hit by a car. Some of these things left scars that will last forever, but the pain I felt at the time was fleeting and faded.

Of all of the things that have hurt me, it was a few simple words that caused the most pain. It was the pain of those words that has lasted the longest. Time does not heal all wounds.

Sometimes it's something simple and silly that brings those pains back.

Sometimes you get a reminder, that every thing you thought you were...you're not. Every thing you thought you had done...you didn't. Every thing you thought you had...you don't. Sometimes every thing you thought was real, is an illusion. It was only real in your head.

It's a rude awakening to find that you have been kidding yourself. It's a harsh reality to be reminded that even the simplest of mistakes, that took only a few moments if your life time and seemed innocent at the time, will haunt you. Some sins and crimes you pay for, for the rest of your life. No matter how much you've payed your debt, you can never pay it back.

Somethings lost, are lost forever and no amount of searching can find them again.

Even if people can forgive, they wont ever really forget. And as long as they remember, you're never really truly forgiven.

A Little Slice Of Alright...

2009-12-11T00:15:00.004-08:00

It's midnight am I'm just getting home. Everyone is in bed sound asleep. It's a drag coming home with out being able to talk to Mr. Man or give Precious a kiss and hug, then talk about our day.

But for the first time in way to long, I'm coming home in a good mood. I'm happy and feeling good about life for the first time in a long while.

I started a new job last week. A second new job. I've gone back to cooking. I still have the first new job which I despise. Every day I'm there, a little more of me dies. It's a marketing company. Phone sales. Just thinking about it makes me cringe.

When I left the "dream job" I didn't really have the option of waiting for another dream. I needed an income so I took the marketing gig. It was a check with benefits.

Last week I was offered a job I applied for a month ago. Cooking. It's a nice place with a decent menu and a good crew. It pays better than most kitchens and best of all, I like it.

Last week they had me coming in at 9am banging out prep for the line guys at night. I did a good enough job that they wanted me on the line. Tonight was my first night shift. I like nights and it pays more.

The marketing job started at 6am. I am not a morning person. The night shift at the restaurant starts at 3pm. Much better. I get to spend my mornings with Mr. Man, take him to school, spend a couple hours doing what ever, then go to work. I've been trying to do them both but I don't see that happening for much longer.

I had a good time time tonight. It's a little hectic learning all of the plates and presentations but it was fun and I only screwed up a couple of things. I managed to sear the tips of three fingers, laid my thumb on the grill and burned the back of my hand. I love to cook.

Tomorrow I work the grill, mostly solo. Saturday I'm doing a special catering gig for our chef, off site with a couple of the servers. Should be a hoot.

On top of all of this our housing limbo has come to an end. Sort of. We have until the 18th of January to find a new place to live and move. Oh goody! Like we didn't have enough to worry about.

Why does all the shit hit the fan at the same time? I guess that way there is only one mess to clean up instead of spreading it out over time. Or I at least I hope.

I started packing up the studio today as well as a few things I haven't used in awhile. Time for a big yard sale.

We put up our Christmas tree a couple of days ago. It seemed strange knowing we would just have to take it down in a few weeks. The holidays always manage to bring havoc to my life.

I don't care this year. I'm taking it all with a smile. Tomorrow Mr. Man and I are house hunting in the morning. I'm listening to Christmas songs on the jazz station in my car. I'm thinking of friends I haven't seen for ages but am planning to.

I'm sure the future will have a few more nut shots in store for me, but I think I'm ready. I'm wearing a cup, have plenty of burn cream and carrying big sharp knives.

For tonight, for the first time in some time, it's all good.

******

Oh yea! Last weekend Mr. Man had his first Karate tournament and did AWESOME!

Shameless Self Promotion...2009

2009-11-27T14:51:00.004-08:00

I struggle with whether or not to post things, like the thing I'm about to post.

Hopefully anyone that reads this, or has read it in the past will already know that I would never imply that you should or ask any of you to buy my work. If you've been around long, I've probably given you one or more of them.

I feel better that way. Really.

However since the rest of the world could possibly see this (it could happen), I'm going to do it.

To the rest of the world; Until I get to know you better and give you things, I would very much appreciate it, if you bought them. At least one. Part of it goes to charity and the rest goes to Mr. Mans college fund.
Thank you very much.

So, with out further ado: *insert trumpets and things here, it's up to you what sound you here*

*Our first annual (maybe) Black Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Sale*
www.chadspicknall.com

I warn you now, that next week when I mention this again I will most likely say that, "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

As always, I love to hear from you and get your opinions about any and all of it. I take it all in and think about it and then do what I want any way. After all, art is personal.

Which ones do you like? Which ones do you hate?

Which ones do you think are well done, and which are complete crap?

(oh I know, there are several that are complete crap, it's all personal and believe it or not, everything I still have has been admired and liked by someone at some point or I would have painted over it by now.)

Which ones could you live with?(not just mine, but any artists work you could live with) And Why?

Who thinks I should give up painting and start playing Darts professionally?

What ever....It's all good.

Opinions Please...

2009-11-08T09:30:00.005-08:00

I normally don't put anything with my actual identity on this site. Mainly trying to keep this site from getting me fired or sued. But since my professional life has been adjusted, I can't really see what harm it's going to do to introduce one to the other. At least at this point.

No doubt I will come to regret that last statement but here goes anywho...

I have revamped my website and added a lot of new, and old works. Now I would like a few opinions.

Please take a look and let me know what you think. Good or bad. It all helps.

www.chadspicknall.com

First Thursday...

2009-11-05T16:26:00.003-08:00

Laguna Beach has a "First Thursday" art walk every month.

This month I am doing a "Pop Up" event with Arin Contemporary Art. I brought my entire studio.
Sort of a what's it worth to you sale.

About 100 paintings, just to introduce my work to Laguna. We'll see how it goes. I might even take some photos if anything manages to sell. If it doesn't, then all of my work gets a field trip and we try to do another Pop Up some place different next month.

Wake Up...

2009-10-30T13:32:00.001-07:00

...The "Dream Job"...is over. 2009 is officially the worst, year, ever!

Martini Time...

2009-10-29T11:49:00.003-07:00

Here are the newest works for EVOO Cooking School in Cannon Beach.

I'm working on several more. They should have been done about a month ago...
Hopefully, better a little late, than really late.

Still Working On Sall...

2009-10-21T09:56:00.004-07:00

Remember this? "Long Tall Sall..."

I don't really either. I mean, I don't really remember when I actually started this. Sometime earlier this year...

Well anywho...

this is what she looks like this week. this morning around 1:30 am she asked me to do something to her. She didn't care what, just something. A woman can only be neglected for so long.

Before you ask your self, "What is that in the back ground?"

It's a circa 1950's porcelain sink with rusting iron pipes and a gold and purple diamond pattern on the wall.

The wall is going to get changed to metallic silver and purple diamonds and I'm thinking about putting a silver metal trash can behind her right leg, to about the knee height. As well as a towel hanging behind her left arm or over the edge of the sink. Then fix her left arm and right hand.

The Road To Hell...

2009-10-16T12:07:00.005-07:00

...they say, is paved with good intentions.

Does that necessarily mean that all good intentions are bad?

There are many things that I have intended. A few went just as planned. While the rest, not so much.

Many of my intentions have become epic failures. Did I learn from them? Sure. Did I learn enough that I wont fail again? No.

It's said that we learn more from failure than success. So what am I learning?

I had intended to be a painter. I had intended to be living in Europe. I had intended for our business to flourish. I had intended to be a stay at home parent and not have to pay someone else to raise our child while we were slaves to the man. I had intended to live my life much differently than I have.

Is it just me or has it gotten much much warmer?

Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased with my life for the most part. It's just different than I had dreamed. I guess most dreams are quite different than the reality that follows. We spend our time working and planning and following those dreams and one day you find out that "our dreams" are not ours, they're mine.

It's still sinking in. Another epic failure on my part. Another intention gone wrong. I have been looking forward to something I thought we shared, only to find out that we don't. It's deflating.

I feel like I have failed them in the worst way. How did I miss that? My single mindedness has let them down. My focus was misguided. My judgment skewed.

Half of you lives in a fantasy world and dreams as big as possible, while the other half is just trying to get through each day without being crushed by the pressure of modern slavery.

How do those halves reconcile with one another? How do you compromise with out giving up who you are or what you want? What does it take to even understand the other half without seeming selfish? At what point do our dreams need to be altered or just given up?

Let Me Clear This Up...

2009-10-16T10:22:00.003-07:00

There seems to be some confusion about this, so let me be perfectly clear:

Art Is Not Life Or Death!

It's important, yes. But not worth freaking out over or being a complete jackass. Like it or not. Buy it or not. Create it or not. Just keep it in perspective.

Oh ya, and get off my ass!

Oh Happy Day...Or At Least They Will Be Next Year

2009-10-13T16:24:00.001-07:00

BREAKING
NEWS

14.10.2009 / Vienna

THE IMPOSSIBLE PROJECT

INSPIRES POLAROID^®TO
RELAUNCH INSTANT CAMERAS

Dear Supporter of The Impossible Project,

the pleasure is all ours to herewith inform you about the latest and likewise groundbreaking news regarding our quest to keep Instant Photography alive by re-inventing a new analog integral film for vintage Polaroid cameras.

Already holding the first working hand-coated samples in our trembling hands, we are pleased to herewith announce an epoch making cooperation between Polaroid (who can no longer resist the stir we are making) and The Impossible Project:

The new licensee of the Polaroid Brand – The Summit Global Group – will re-launch the legendary Polaroid One Step Cameraand is therefore commissioning The Impossible Project to develop and produce a limited edition of Polaroid branded Instant Films in the middle of 2010.

We are proud and excited that our ambitions and all the relentless work we have already invested are now becoming the foundation for Polaroid's comeback as a producer of Instant Cameras.

Large-scale production and worldwide sale of The Impossible Project's new integral film materials under its own brand will already start in the beginning of 2010 - with a brand new and astonishing black and white Instant Film and the first colour films to follow in the course of the year.

At this point we would like to thank every single one of your for all your overwhelming support so far- THANK YOU! It's fair to say that we wouldn't be where we are now if it was not for all your help.

For further developments, upcoming news and detailed updates please stay tuned towww.the-impossible-project.com

Sincerely,

Not Amused...

2009-10-04T12:27:00.003-07:00

So, Cat has been with us for about three and a half months now. For most of that time my role has been administering a variety of medicines and various things that tend to piss off animals as well as tracking him down after he's escaped.

He really hasn't warmed up to me, but I can't say as I blame him. What's funny is that he will follow me around the house. Late at night after all have gone to bed and I stay up late to paint, Cat will follow me every where I go. He doesn't want to be interacted with, he just wants to follow me. And watch.

But I have a tendency to do things like this.

He sat there for quite a while just staring at the little dog. He would look at the dog, then look at me and then back to the dog. As if asking me what he was supposed to with this thing. Totally unimpressed. Eventually, he slowly pushed it off of the counter on to the floor. I swear he smiled at me afterward.

Overheard In Our Living Room....

2009-09-24T21:28:00.002-07:00

What was that noise? Something hit the floor.

It was just an eyeball falling off of the body hanging in the closet.

Oh. That was a funny sound. It scared the cat.

The First Portrait Of 2009...

2009-09-20T12:12:00.004-07:00

I (think) this one is finished. I did put my name on it already. Although now that I see it in the photo, there are a few areas that I might touch up. The next phase will be the varnishes and the cracking.

This new step in my work will prove to be a challenge for me. I'm impatient. No, really, it's true. The challenge is that varnish, can not be rushed. The brand I use at this point recommends that the work be "dry" for at least six months before applying. Six months.

On the up side of this, I have a bout forty works still in the studio that have been dries for a year or more. Let the cracking begin.

Although I was informed by Precious that I am not to crack a few certain works. Good thing she spoke up when she did.

I still need a name for this one too. So if anyone has a suggestion...speak up.

I Love Blues...

2009-09-12T19:46:00.002-07:00

I can't believe I forgot this one. It was hung on the wall to dry between layers and...well, it's here now. I really like this one so far. Actually it might be done, after I crack it.

I like a da crack. No?

2 am has always been good to me.

Eiffel Blues, 12 x 16 inches in oil.

That Felt Good...

2009-09-12T01:05:00.005-07:00

It has been almost ten months to the day since I have painted. WTH? I had to search my records and photos to double check. Surely it had only been a few months at the most. (and don't call me Shirley)

Sadly it was true. That's the longest I've gone in more than a decade. It disturbs me that my life has gotten so far from my ideal comfort zone.

So, I put Mr. Man to bed at 8:30. Around 9:30 I go back down stairs to find our screen door open. Cat has now figured out how to open all but the front door to our house. Great!

I spend the next hour searching the neighborhood. Got stopped by a cop. Spot lights that could melt a retina, right in face. My Mag Light suddenly feels inadequate. He stopped to question me.

Some body acting suspicious in the area with a big flash light, peeking under cars and in yards.

If I see them I'll let you know.

Go figure. He meant me.

Ya, so I'm finally in the studio, can't sleep, a bit wound up after tracking down the cat. I have a few old works I haven't shown. I have been wanting to 'crack' (artificial aging) them for some time now. So tonight I did. The fruit and a couple of my girls. I love it!

The aging varnish goes first. A hour or two of drying time. But not too much or it wont work. Then the cracking varnish. It takes an hour or two as well. If it doesn't crack before it's completely dry you can use a hair dryer to help it out. But only before it's completely dry, or it wont work. The cracks will vary. I was very pleased with the fruit. So they were right for the most part.

In between drying times I worked on this little seascape for a warm up. 'Storm over Red Sands', 16 x 20.

There are seven other canvases that I am priming with background color. Part of an ongoing Martini theme for EVOO Cooking School in Cannon Beach Or. Great place.

Here are the two girls. Well not the whole girls. Details. I loved her neck in this first one.

I really like the way this one looks. It has some writing on the left side of the canvas. I like her better with out it so I'm either going to paint over it or cut it off and re-stretch.

And just for fun, a brick wall that I will use as a back drop for something else. Maybe one of my apocalyptic works I've been working on.

Wow. That felt good. Ten friggin months. Baby, that is too long. (insert your own joke here)

Ready Or Not...

2009-08-28T22:11:00.004-07:00

Yesterday was our first day of Kindergarten.

How, when, who...

Our Mr. Man can not possibly be old enough for school. I'm not ready for this.

Of course he took it all in stride. Barely a moment of apprehension. Turns out I was making him nervous all week with the constant questions. "Are you excited?", "Are you ready?", "Can we practice your writing and reading again?"

Daaaaaaad! Can we stop now? Let's play something. I'll be fine.

But you...but, but...

I'm ready already.

And he was. We took a few packs of glue sticks for the class. It was the only thing I could remember from the 'needs' list. Mr. Man handed them to his new teacher and told her, "You can keep these. My dad said we have more for home." as he wandered off to find a tiny chair.

He sat between two other boys. On his right was the class crier. On the left...(I'm sure he's a nice kid, but his parents had shaved his head. Who shaves a 5 year olds head?)was the kid totally opposite from crier. Out going and excited.

Mr. Man looked at the crier, looked up at me with a look of "WTH?" and then to Buzz. Buzz looked at Mr. Man and said,"Hey, do you want to play with these blocks?

"Sure, that'd be great.

"Ya. We should be friends."

"Ok. Let's play."

And that was that. The pure simplicity of childhood. It was beautiful. Except for the crier. He just would not stop. I sort of felt bad, but you have to learn to face the world or those other kids will eat him alive. Kids can be brutal.

I was one the last parents to leave after drop off. I wanted to make sure everything was alright and check out the other kids. I wanted to check out the other parents and see how they handled it all.

Other people frighten me. That's all I gong to say for now. They frighten me.

The very worst part of watching my son grow up, is knowing that one day, that pure simplicity that can and should make childhood the most wonderful place in the world, will be gone. Eventually, he will forget those simple pleasures and be like most all of us. That I find painful and very sad. I hate that I even think about such things.

I should just let it all be and encourage him to be a kid, and enjoy all of those simple things, as best he can, for as long as he can. I will remember his childhood forever, even if he doesn't. And I have pictures.

It just pisses me off feeling like this. It totally justifies a lot of what my mother does. I can just hear her voice, " You just wait..."

I hate it when she's right.

Not, ready.