Pain...

 It’s been more than 35 years now. In all that time there has not been a single day that I have been pain free. Not a single day.

People love to ask how you are. How you’re feeling How are you doing. The answer is always the same, Great. Never better. You cant just tell someone that you feel like hell. That practically every inch of you hurts. There is no comfortable position to stand, or sit, or move, without being in pain.

Part of the problem is that I don’t look like I should be in pain. I don’t always act like I would be in pain. I laugh. I crack jokes. I go to work. I try to suffer in silence. I have no visible injuries, wounds, or alignments, I tell doctors that I hurt and they automatically assume I’m after drugs. I have had every joint in my body X-rayed, scanned, MRIed, CT mylogramed, photographed, monitored, measured, probed a prodded. 

I have also spent years in physical therapy, psychological therapy, acupuncture, massage, aroma, pharmaceutical therapy. I have yet to find a Doctor that can diagnose what ails me aside from arthritis, and severe wear and tear from enjoying and surviving my teens and twenties.

On the standard pain scale, 0-10, 

a normal, average day for me is between a 6-8. That’s on the edge of moderate, and into the severe pain range. Everyday of my life.

Capitalism and Time, the theft of human souls!

 Where does six years go? In the blink of an eye, she’s gone. I can still see myself, sitting down with my new iPad, this iPad, and writing down the first chapter of Life on The Line. The story of my time in the restaurant industry.

It’s been six years. Six, years. 

Loosing the last 18 months has been easy. Being disabled has a way of sending your life into “Groundhog Day”. 547 days ago my disability started; all but about 20 of those days have been pretty much the same day. Everyday spent in pain. Over, and over, and over…..

If not for my dogs, I would be locked in a padded facility on a farm somewhere. Talking to the voices in my mind. 

Is internal screaming a bad thing? How much screaming is normal, either internal or external? My screaming never stops. Ever. No matter what I’m doing , I can hear it. At times, it’s so loud I can’t hear people I’m talking with. At others it is like a soft buzzing. An ear worm 🐛.

The other four years? Gone. Some photos, good memories, and bad. Gone. Time spent toiling for the profit of others. Wasted. 

What are you toiling for? For whom? Is it worth your short time on this rock? 🪨