Making A Difference...

For years I've been writing about wanting certain things in my life to change. It's really sad, just how long I've been writing those same words.

My problem?

It's not that I don't really know. I think I do. I just can't admit it to myself yet. The motivation is there. I have the why. Meaning, I have something that I need to change for. Maybe I'm just lazy.

What I realize now, that I had not before, is that I can't make a problem change, by doing and acting the same way that caused the problem.

Insanity, is doing the same things over and over while expecting a different result. Clearly I'm insane. I keep doing the same things over and over and expecting things to turn out differently.

Well, now I'm on the path to actually change things. I'm doing something differently. I have a mentor that I believe in. And he in me. Which is already a big difference.

It could be that I'm selfish and ungrateful, but I have never really felt like I've had the best support. From anyone really. But this is no pity party.

Change the way you do things, and things will change. At least the outcome will be different than it has been. Let's hope anyway.

Maybe I should work on my attitude first?

My New Sideline...

I have found a new business that I have been playing with. Two actually. It's quite a change from the art world. But I like it a great deal.

Sometimes you have do things out of your comfort zone. This is out of my zone. A good friend told me about SISEL and the products. Nutritional supplements, personal and home products. All 100% toxin free. A very Green company. Which is nice.

At first, I was instantly against this. Until I tried a few of the products. Eternity and FuCoyDon. After a couple of months, I hate to admit, but they work. They work well. I physically, feel better than I have in a very long time. (still working on my mental well being)

I encourage everyone to give these products a try. Feel better and live better.

ToolBiz and SISEL

Point Of View...

It's all about how you see things. Two people looking at the same thing, but neither of them see it the same. They may have, from time to time. From certain angles. Similar, parallel, but never quite the same.

Maybe it's the definition of terms used. Fantasy can be Star Trek or My Little Pony. Similar, but no where near the same.

You go along and you want to believe that you are both seeing the same things. That you are both getting the same experience from the journey. But you're not. To one, this has always been one of the strengths. Two sides of every story. It's only now and then, that you notice differences in perspective. Interesting observations you hadn't noticed. A view from which you had not been privileged to before.

Then one of you says, "You know, maybe I don't ever want to watch My Little Pony again. Discuss...".

At first, this seems to come from no where. Then you give it some thought. They must have been thinking about this for a while. You don't just wake up one day and say no more MLP. People think about things. They mull them over. They talk to strangers on benches about how much they want to leave MLP behind and run away. Leave all their troubles and worries behind. It's only then do they mention it to their other.

There have been signs that MLP was a strain on the journey. Communication has always been a weakness for them. Things get looked over. Ones focal point is a little different than the other.

The hurt and painful parts of the journey, you over looked. For better, or worse. No matter how much you were hurt, you took that pain and stuffed it deep in the back of your darkest grey matter and you forget it. Because that is what you do. The joys of the journey mean infinitely more than the momentary pain. That is why you have one an other. To be there for the other. And to have someone when you need help.

Which is great...for one. The other though? They have a different perspective on things. To the other, maybe the journey is about something else. Maybe to the other it was about more than just the other. It's such a little thing to one and such a large thing to the other.

Two people looking at the same thing. One sees a boulder, the other sees a marble.

So now it's out there. One of you is tired of My Little Pony. Tired to the point that they would rather journey in a different direction. It annoys them that you always see marbles when there is clearly a boulder in front of you.

You see, the burden is directly proportional to the point of view. They look at the same thing. One sees a marble, they pick it up and they play. The other sees a boulder and tries to carry it on their own which is very difficult and causes undue stress, strain and worry. Not seeing it doesn't make it any less real. It's real to the one.

The one with the marble doesn't understand why the other won't just set the boulder down. The two of them together could figure out what to do with the boulder. The one with the boulder doesn't understand why the other is incapable of helping and would rather play with marbles while they carry the boulder alone.

Worlds apart, separated by a point of view.

Sir Winston McLoud...

The newest member of our family.

Welcome To Baghdad...You Are Truly Free Now...

Yesterday as I dropped Mr. Man at school, I was stuck in a 50 car traffic jam. The problem was that a few of the parents had decided that they should park in the clearly marked, NO PARKING FIRE LANE, instead of using the dozens of empty parking spaces that were no more than 25 feet from where they were stopped illegally.

It didn't matter to the few in the red zone, that they were holding up about 50 other parents that were following the rules.

Everyone just sat there. These few pew people were screwing things up for everyone. And everyone just sat there.

I couldn't help myself. I very politely mentioned to a couple of the offenders that they were blocking traffic by stopping in the red zone. Which, according to the DMV, last time I checked, was illegal every where, not just in school parking lots.

Before I even finished my sentence, one of the women jumped out of her car and started screaming at me. "MIND YOUR OWN FUCKIN BUSINESS!...."

It only got worse from there. I stood silently, with this woman just inches from my face screaming at me about what a fuck I was, and everyone else was doing it, and blah blah blah.

I thought about knocking her out. I thought about giving her a hug. Instead, I shook my head, and told her I felt sorry for her, and I walked away. She was still screaming obscenities at me as I left.

I want a new rule. If you want to act in an uncivilized manner and behave the way this woman and the others like her. Fine. But we, as a civilized society, should be able to ship their dumb asses to the Middle East, or Somalia, or any where else people act like barbarians. Where there are no rules and you can be the biggest douche bag you want to be.

We have all become so afraid of sticking up for what's right for fear of offending someone else, or being sued. We have these rules for a reason. If you think you are above those rules, fine. Enjoy Iraq, and your world with no rules. You'll get dropped off with a Bible and a tee shirt showing a terrorist Muhammad on it. See just how special you really are.

Purple...

...is the color of courage. The Purple Belt symbolizes that a student has started to unite mind, body and spirit.

For all of the work, I am not feeling very united.

Daylight Time Travel Savings...

Precious: Mr. Man, remind me that we need to turn your clock back one hour before bed time.

Mr. Man: Why?

P: It's called Daylight Savings Time. We turn the clocks back one hour in the fall.

M:What do we do with the extra hour? Do we get to remember it?

P: ?

M: Do we get to remember the hour and do things again or do we have to do things the same way?

P: We don't get to go back in time, we just change the clocks.

M: Well what good is that?

The Force Is Strong In This One..

I had a costume just like this one. Only larger. Precious made a beautiful Slave Leia.

A little known fact: All the good Jedi, wore Sneakers.



The photos are still coming in. Scandalous.

My Favorite Holiday...

Only one Jack-o-lantern this year so we made it good and creepy.





More photos later. This year we are the many generations of STAR WARS.

Something Different...

This is one of the studies for a new painting I was asked to create. This one is 36 x 48 inches, oil on canvas. The finished work will be about twice that size.

Still, In The Studio...

So, I've found a great model, Summer, and have now painted several works based on her.

Here are a couple more, plus my first diagonal.

oil 12 x 16

oil 12 x 16

oil 12 x 12

I'm thinking of doing more like this, in groups or patterns...

oil 8 x 24

In The Studio...Continued

Ok, so I've been busy this morning.

This one used to be called, "Where is this relationship going". After a few modifications... Now she is "Anastasia". 18 x 24 inches.

This one was just a brick wall. This morning I added the girl. 18 x 24 inches.

This one got a cheek reconstruction, eye brow shaping and a new hair cut and color. 16 x 20 inches.

This one is all new. Also very pleased with her. 16 x 20 inches, oil on canvas.

In The Studio...

Being sad is exhausting. But it also feeds creativity. So, meet the new additions. All are 12 x 16 inches, oil on canvas with varnish, and may or may not get cracked. No one sells the cracking varnish around here anymore.

There are four more waiting for the finishing touches. Maybe today.

I'm pleased with the first two, but the third, may be my favorite one yet.

As always, name suggestions are always welcome.

IVY - Sept 1998 to Oct 2010

It's difficult to sum up in words what an impact some creatures have on our lives. For the last twelve years you have brought us joy, laughter and happiness. A constant companion that went every where with us. Letting us roll you in a towel like a burrito in order to sneak you into hotels. Sleeping on our laps as we drove across country. Several times. Sleeping by Mr. Man's bed when he was new to our family. You were a wonderful big sister

A champion soft Frisbee catcher. OCD about tennis balls. A master body surfer, for some one vertically challenged. A loyal and trusted friend and our little girl.

You will be remembered in everything we do. I hope you find that farm in the country where all dogs go when they get old.

We love you.

I Was Wrong...

It's not a lack of creative thought that is ruining humanity. It's a lack of any thought at all.

When did it become impossible for people to pull their heads out of their asses long enough to look around?

Every day I get bombarded with the most asinine political and social trash I have ever heard. Sure, it doesn't help that I live in one of the few right wing conservative areas of California but seriously, people, open your minds, and your eyes, and close your mouths.

The political...

Everyone seems to have forgotten that our government is run by three branches. The president does not make decisions on his own. He doesn't just do things for the hell of it.

Have we all lost sight of the fact that our president needs the other two branches to get anything done? Let me remind you all that there are a Legislative, and Judicial branch as well as the Executive.

Try to think about the future of our country and not just the next election. Try to think about the good of the whole and not just what's good for you.

And the social...

When people like Snookie are getting paid $20,000 per, and more to make appearances at clubs, talk shows, and shoot magazine covers, it is seriously time to re-evaluate who we have become.

This has really gotten embarrassing.

A Lack Of Creative Thought Is Ruining My Childhood...And Humanity

I have always been a big fan of cartoons. I love them. Almost all of them. I have a few favorites that I watched as a kid. With Boomerang I have been able to share those classics with Mr. Man.

This morning we got up and were looking for a toon to watch before breakfast. (I will allow a toon or two in the mornings if things are going well)

Anywho...

I see that Scooby-Doo is on. I love Scooby and the gang. Except...this one is a little different. Ok so far, I can live with a few updates of technology. I can even live with the fact that Cacey Kasem doesn't always do the voice of Shag anymore. I can put up with the show being made into really bad live action movies. I will take the fact that they keep wanting to change the way the characters dress.

What I can't take, what I wont take, is major alterations to the personalities of the characters.

This morning, Scooby heard Shag wrestling in the bushes. Being the true hero that Scooby is, he jumped into the bush to save his best friend.

What he found...what I witnessed...was one of the most horrendous, most disturbing, most disgusting abomination of a classic that I have ever seen. And I have seen some horrific alterations to TV and it's shows and characters over the years. But this...the image is still burning in my brain hours later. I may never be able to forget the horror. The tragedy. The complete prostitution of a classic character. Years after I'm dead I will roll in my grave thinking about this crime. Yes crime. A piece of my childhood has been stolen and forced to into the sex trade.

Wait for it.....

As Scooby jumped through the bushes....He discovered....Shag.....and Thema.....

Oh the humanity!

Shag and Thema ....were KISSING! KISSING!

Why! Why!? Why?

Now, I am far from a prude. I'm a big fan of kissing, dating, goo-goo eyes, and even sex on television. I think it's far better than the violence that we see every where. Even in kids shows.

When it comes down to it I will pick sex over violence every time.

But this....there is absolutely no excuses for this. They can justify it any way they want. There is no reason for this. The gang does not kiss one another. The gang was all about the subtle and at times not so subtle innuendo and implied sex that may or may not have been happening between Fred and Daph. That is all there ever was. That is all there ever should be.

Scooby-Doo, and all other classic toons do not need to be altered to the miss-shappen, dysfunctional, ADHD ridden youth of today. If they don't get the classics in classic form, then we have failed the youth. If they wont watch unless the gang is getting jiggy with each other, then we have failed society. Our future has no chance of evolving into anything greater and we are doomed to a future of mindless debauchery and total ignorance that is "reality" television.

What's next, Captain Cave Man selling insurance? Jabber Jaws being sliced up and served as sushi? The Flintstones become swingers?

Why? Why would anyone in their right mind want to do this? What kind of sick and twisted mind would do this? How much money did it take, for these douche bags in suits to sell our past of fond memories and childish laughter and turn it into Sex in the City?

How sad as humanity become that we are unable to come up with anything original that we have to destroy the past of a generation?

Where do we draw the line?

Addiction Kicked...

Chester has lost his appeal. The game never changes. Just battle, battle, battle. Over and over. PLus, the only way to save your history is to be a member of Facebook. That's where they lost me. NO FACEBOOK!.

Sorry Chester, your game is cheesy, and gets old fast.

Our Newest Addiction...

Battle Of The Cheetos!




Mr. Man and I are with the Crunchy Alliance.

A Taste Of Things To Come...

Picture something you remember fondly. Or even something that was horrid. A smell, a taste, the combination of the two.

How many of you can actually taste it with nothing more than the thought? That bite it had on your tongue. The slight sting in your nose. The thought alone is enough for most. Some of you need to smell it first and then you can taste it.

The aroma of a freshly bathed baby. Roses. Fresh cut grass. Bread baking. That spot at the base of your lovers neck. The thought can bring back the scents.

What if all you had was the memory of those things? What of those scents and tastes no longer existed? What if your next inhale of aroma was your last? Your last bite of chocolate was the last piece?......

Lessons In Parenting And Karate...

In order for the kids to advance in their belt ranks, they need to bring home a letter for parents and teachers to sign. Saying that the students are behaving at home and acting the way they are wanted too.

This week Mr. Man brought home a letter for his Orange Belt Test.

He's a great kid outside of the house. When home...he dawdles. He back talks now and then. He moves at his own pace no matter what. Nothing major but there is room for improvement. We want him to realize that.

Last night at his lessons I mentioned these things to his Sensei and suggested that he wait until next month for his test.

I thought that would be it.

As I watched, I realized that Sensei was taking this much more seriously that I had imagined. I thought they would just make him wait. Not only are they making him wait, but they took his Yellow belt away from him.

Mr. Man took it way better than I did. I wanted to cry. I felt so bad I couldn't look him in the eye. I had no idea they would do that. I thought once they earned their belts they had them forever. Or until they earned the next one.

Wrong!

Now he has to earn his yellow belt back before he can test for orange. I have been feeling bad enough as it was. Now I feel like a complete tosser.

Why is it the lessons we try to teach our kids, are harder on the parents? I feel like I'm the one being punished.

It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated...

The following message was in my mail today.

During the month of July, the International Blogging Recognition Council (IBRC) had the pleasure of reviewing your blog Mad William. Your blog was referred to IBRC through our Refer-A-Blog program. "Orange..." was the topic that the Council reviewed. Based on the review, the Council has recommended that your blog receive IBRC’s designation of “Recognized Blog”. IBRC reserves this honor to those blogs that effectively connects with the audience and promotes the sharing of ideas and experiences.

We invite you to visit our website at www.ibrcblog.org to learn more about IBRC and our “Recognized Blog” award. Congratulation on your accomplishment.

Sarah L. Tolten

Review Committee Chair

International Blogging Recognition Council

I clicked on the link to check out my award and found out that for a mere $45 I can add my site to IBRC and view my recognition. That's awesome.

Why...It's a major award!

I can be so lucky sometimes.

(did the snar-casm come through in that, or was I too vague?)

Orange...

...like Yellow, is also the color of the sun, but the sun at zenith. The Orange Belt indicates the first flash of day has matured: on whose skill and understanding are reaching new heights.

Before And After, Cracked Edition...

Meet the new Mikelle and Joan.

Before

After Cracking and tinting.

Detail

Before

After cracking and tinting.

Detail.

It's a little difficult to see, but trust me. It looks really cool.

So Far...

One of the greatest obstacles I face as an artist, is knowing when to quit. Actually, it's not just with my art. I have the same issue with everyday life. I never quite know when to stop.

I do know that trying to over analyze things only makes them worse. My instincts are fairly good and following my heart has taken me on an unforgettable journey. I regret none of it.

So why change things when a few minor adjustments would do the trick? Simple is almost always better.

What to do with paintings that just don't sell? Often I paint over them and create something new. This time I decided to be a little less dramatic and a bit more cosmetic. Maybe they could just be re-worked.

I picked out six works that have been collecting dust and gave them a little something extra.

Here are two of them at the, "so far" stage. So far, so good.

Before

After

Before

After

This is just fun with scotch tape. The first four strips are on my face. I eventually had eleven. Sorry, no photo of that. Mr. Man was beginning to freak out and ran to hide.

Always remember and never forget: Love only works if you give it away. So spread the love.

There's A Little Green Man In My Head...

It recently occurred to me that we may never know if things are fixed. Maybe somethings can't really be fixed. They get stuck back together and you just hope for the best. Once broken things are weaker and more vulnerable. When can I relax? Ever? Or do I always need to be proving myself. I mean, more than I try to do normally.

A few months ago, she gave her wedding ring back. Said, "You should put this some place safe. It doesn't feel right to wear it."

So what do I do with it? Keep it? Until when? Am I supposed to give it, or offer it back at some point? Am I to replace it with a new one? Maybe she is supposed to ask for it back. How long should I wait? Should I give it back or say no? Should I stop wearing my ring? Mine still feels right. Should it not? I'm confused.

I'm also alone for the next seven days which isn't helping. Precious and Mr. Man are on their way to the middle of Nowhere Nebraska. They left on Father's Day. I never thought to ask if she intended to come back. Could be why I haven't heard from them. Or it's more likely that there is no service provider for her phone in Nowhere, and she hasn't thought about asking to use some one else's.

Our house is so amazingly quiet without them. I don't like it at all. The dog and cat keep looking at me, all accusatory, like it's my fault they aren't here. None of us can sleep. I hate sleeping alone. Too much bed, not enough naked skin.

Being back in La Jolla has been like stepping back in time, only in an alternate universe. So much is frighteningly the same. Some things have changed completely. I feel like someone has altered our reality and I'm the only one that's noticed. Where's The Doctor when I need him?

OMFG!

Three things:

1) "News" and "Kardashian" should never be used in the same sentence together.
2) How can anyone really be that stupid?
3)These are the people that we choose to worship and bestow with fame and fortune.


Khloe Kardashian Takes a Pregnancy Test
USMagazine, June 14, 2010
Related: News, Khloe Kardashian

Khloe Kardashian says those recent pregnancy rumors really messed with her head.

"I'm so nuts that I went out and got a pregnancy test!" she said Monday on nationally syndicated radio show, The Bert Show. "I was like, What if they know something that I don't? That's how confused I got. I was like, I don't wanna lie, so let me figure this out."

When her husband Lamar Odom - with whom she celebrates her one-year anniversary in September - came home and saw the test, he was just as baffled.

"He was like, What's going on?" she recalled. "He was like, You let [the rumors] confuse you?"

"I was like, Yes, I'm sorry!" said Kardashian, 25.

She said she has "no idea" how the rumors started.

"I'm not pregnant," she insisted. "I don't know where people come up with these reports! Who confirmed that I am two months pregnant? Someone else says I have a baby name. I'm like, who are you guys talking to?"

Paint...Cook...Paint...

Pelican Point Sunset

An almost perfect crustless quiche. Mushrooms, Ham, 3 Cheeses, Asparagus.

Dark Breakers

On Going...

Something New...

I started this painting tonight. There is something about this one I really like so far. I know that this photo is absolute crap. It's almost midnight and it's too dark in my studio to get a good shot. It might help if I didn't paint by M&M Christmas lights.

She's 12 x 16, and still a work in progress. Close but not quite. Maybe tomorrow I can get a decent photo before I paint more. Although I will most likely go back to the studio as soon as I hit the publish button.

I learned this afternoon, that the people at Dick Blick Art Store do not know everything about painting and techniques. I went to find Aging varnish. I need it to go under the cracking varnish. Well, the store didn't carry the aging varnish and told me that any varnish should work under the cracking varnish. They were wrong. The cracking varnish does not work with any varnish under it.

The Blick people are usually so good.

Mending Fences...

How do you mend a fence that has now been broken twice? What can you do to fix a mistake...a flaw?...maybe, the mistake, has now been repeated and the fence torn. Does a flaw imply a lack of responsibility? Probably. Which makes the mistake all the worse and actions can only be blamed on the stupidity of the person in question. Sort of a, "What the fuck were you thinking?!" moment. Maybe not the first time, but most certainly the second. There is no other excuse than pure stupidity.

It's been said that you can't fix stupid. Wow, I hope that isn't true.

But back to my original thought. The lack of thought. You get it? The first time, there was...

Shit!

No. There was no thought the first time either. Pure fucking egotistical stupidity. Yes, ego. Thinking about your actions before, and deciding that you are too smart and won't get caught tearing down sections of fence.

And why you ask, would someone want to tear down a fence?

Because they think they deserve more than they have earned. Simple as that. Greed. Fucking greed! Wanting more than you deserve and thinking you deserve more than you have earned. So not, the person I believe myself to be. I despise greed, of all kinds. It's not just about money and power. It applies on many levels.

Now this fence that I speak of is not just a fence. It's an agreement. We are going to live connected to one another. On each side of the fence are our responsibilities. For the connection to work, each must keep up their responsibilities. They each need to tend to the fence. Equally. Honestly.

After all, sharing a fence is a huge commitment. You are going to be joined with this other person for ever. You need to be close.

Some people know right away if they could share a fence. I did. As soon we met, I knew we were going to be friends. Long before we would share a fence together.

Very early on, I had a few tough decisions to make. There were a lot of people involved. A great deal at stake. Maybe, maybe not. It seemed so at the time. (Hind-sight is a curse) I chose poorly. and I hurt everyone involved because when it came right down to it, I wanted to cover my ass and not admit that I had done anything wrong. I was forced by the actions of someone else first, blah blah blah...

I. Chose. Poorly.

My best friend, forgave me. I knew that I needed to share a fence with this wonderful person. My best friend. I wanted them in my life on a daily basis. To share everything with the other. Mind, body and soul.

Years go by. Life is grand. We have share everything. We have seen the best and worst of the other and never flinched. We lived our lives side by side, connected, joined, by our fence. Even added a little cross section of fence that dissected our fence.

One day, a voice in my head told me to tear down part of our fence. Our connection. And give it to someone else. I knew someone else a long time ago.

I was faced with a choice. Now the person I believe myself to be, knows right away. Without thought. That the answer is no. Why would I give away part of our fence? I wouldn't.

I'm heart broken to admit, but that, is exactly what I did.

Now, had I gone to my best friend at the beginning and told them what my little voice was saying, I'm sure it would not have been a problem, we could have worked out why my voice is an idiot and laughed about all of it later.

Instead, I kept it to myself and hoped my best friend wouldn't notice or find out about the missing piece of fence. Really. I can't even imagine me doing something like that even as I read the words back to myself. What kind of best friend am I? What kind of any friend? Twice now I have done something that goes against everything that I claim to be. It goes against everything I want to be. One of which is a good example and care taker to our little fence. There is a right way and a wrong way to treat people.

Well twice now, I have forgotten that rule.

I. Chose. Poorly.

Except this time, It's different. There is so much more involved this time. Truly, so much more at stake.
Like the first time, my best friend gave me another chance. Thank you. I promise to be worthy.

However this time, as the fence gets mended, there will be a piece missing. A small piece of our fence that I gave away.

I said it before. I said it this time too. I'm sorry. To my best friend. To our little fence. To my old friend.
You all deserved more from me. But especially my best friend. A person that I have now spent more time with, than any other human. A huge part of who I am and who I want to be. Someone that I would be incomplete with out.

Bold Moves...

1:45 am, still in the studio. Sleep...a lovely thought I keep as close to the edge of my mind as I can without it slipping away for good. Too many other things crowding to the front. Too many distractions. Caught in a whirlwind...

now usually I would have gone with a water reference right there; tidal wave, tsunami, flood, lost at sea, where I used "whirlwind". I'm much more of a water person and I just used an air reference. I wonder what that means...


Where was I? Distractions. No. Bold! Ya that's it...

So, another Chadette. 10 x 30 inches, un-named as of yet. Possibly not finished.



Bold? This is the first time I can remember consciously willing to risk the destruction of a painting to take it in another direction. I'm a little more cautious with my painting than the rest of my life for some reason.

It didn't take much, but there was to be no going back. It has taken me almost a year of deliberation as to what I should do to this canvas. I liked the painting the way it was, but I thought it needed something else. I just wasn't sure what.

This morning it dawned on me, (I just got that, sorry), she needed to be part of the Sorrow Series. She just wasn't sad enough.

After a lengthy discussion with myself...I think I fixed that...



She's almost there...

12:45 to 2:30 AM...

Being an insomniac means I have several extra hours a day that most people don't. I try to make that time productive and not just watch mindless television. (The quality of programming at those late night, early morning hours is really quite horrible. I mean, really? Out of all of the years of television, this is the best you have left to put on the air? Seriously?) Sorry I dislike Television.

Anywho...I've been painting...


My first Chadette of 2010, and it only took me four and half months. As of yet untitled, 12 x 16 inches.

This and the other nude with the blue spaz background, are 36 x 48 inches. Still in progress.

*****

I only have two weeks at the restaurant left. I'm going to miss it. It is really a bizarre world that I enjoy for the most part. This is a pretty good group of people.

The chef has always tried to be very good to me. They really want me to stay. I've been offered more money and more responsibility. It was flattering, but I need something more right now. Just once, I would like to give stability a try.

Background Check...

As you can see I've been playing with the background. It crossed my mind this morning to paint over the entire back and make it bright white with sort of a very very pale yellow orange tint in it...maybe just white...We'll see.

Either way I think it's almost done.

Give And Take...

There has to be give and take. It has to be honest. There has to be trust. They are works in progress.

In painting it comes easy. I give a little, I take a little. I'm honest with my canvas and my work comes from the heart. I trust in my skills and my medium to provide from what I give. As I paint and give of myself, I learn. I learn about painting. I learn new skills. I learn about myself and what I want from my work.

In a relationship, give and take, honesty and trust come more difficultly. When another person is involved. Other feelings and emotions come into play. I know what to expect from a canvas and paint. When I start to think that I know what to expect from another person, inevitably I find out I know nothing about what to expect, and very little about other people.

Communication with a canvas is simple. Even when I am lost and have nothing to tell a canvas and I stare at it's blank surface for days on end, I know exactly what it's all about. I know that a single stroke is all it takes and the blank silence is broken.

When there is a silence between people, emotions change, walls go up. Nerves are on end. Suspicions grow. At times they are well founded. Other times not. With each moment of silence, it becomes more difficult to break through. You start thinking about what needs to be said. What if it's the wrong thing? How will what's said be taken by the other person? The silence grows. As do the doubts and questions.

I used to think that life was simple. As I have learned of late, I am often wrong.

What may seem simple to one, is very complicated to another. What may seem harmless to one, may seem suspicious to another. A word miss spoken can not be taken back. An honest comment may come across as harsh and uncaring. Even something as simple as a kiss, can be taken the wrong way at times. Who knew?

When I'm in my studio, even when creatively blocked and unable to produce a simple mark, I know where I stand. It's outside the studio that my life is thrown into the abyss, not knowing from moment to moment which end is up.

I have never understood why some artists fear their creativity and the process. A blank canvas is nothing to fear. Art is simple. It's everything outside of the studio that's scary and complicated.

And with this I give you my latest learning experience.

Today, I learned that a little black, goes a long way. Still a work in progress. Me and my art.

More Paint...More learning...

Not spending near enough time in the studio, the skills don't stay as sharp as they should. Every session is a new learning experience.

I made a little progress in spots, and I took a few steps backwards in spots. Either way I was pleased with this session. Mr. Man and I spent about two hours in the studio painting and laughing at one another, so it was all good.

Change...Together...

When we first met, there was a bench in front of the gallery where we worked. We would often sit on that bench and talk. We got to know one another and became friends there.

Last week was our 8th anniversary. It seemed to me that we needed a reminder of those talks and that bench. So I got us a bench of our own for an anniversary gift. I set it in our back garden. We have spent a lot more time talking and bonding and trying to reconnect. Trying to remember what made us fall in love to begin with.


It's kind of funny how difficult it becomes to talk with someone that you have known and been with for so many years. All of the sudden we're strangers trying to get to know one another again.

*****

Yesterday was Mr. Man's very first play. "Down on the Farm". He played a horse. I took the video camera, tested it, made sure I had a fresh disk, lens cap was off.

The play started, I hit record, the red light went on. I panned, I zoomed in and out, I moved around to get him and his friends.

Thirty minutes later I hit the record button again to stop it...and nothing happened. I tried it again. Nothing. I started to look around and figure it out...and realized I had it set to camera. Not video.

I didn't get a single second of it.

King size fail!

We were there though. He was an awesome horse! We laughed and clapped and had a great time.

*****

For the first time in way too long, I painted something. It's crude, out of proportion, it's rough, it needs a lot more work...but it's paint on canvas and damn it felt good to spend even a few minutes in the studio.

*****

I'm looking forward to starting my new job next month. I miss the art world, no matter how screwed up it is, it suits me. I'm also looking into starting a new home base MLM business. Going to change the world. Change is a constant. At least in my life.

*****

Life is full of ups and downs. It's a struggle. We don't really have a choice. We go on. In one way or another, we go on. We make the best of what we're given and work our asses off for what we think we want, trying our best to make sure we have what we need.

We will go on. We'll spend more time on our bench. We will go to all of the plays in person, just in case they don't get recorded. We will work towards the things need, and try for the things we want. Without fear. Together.

Something To Fear...

How many chances does a person get to do the right thing? For months, or more, I have been writing about how bad things are with Precious. How she broke my heart. How we seem to have lost one another. I went back and read my posts. I never mentioned any of the things that made me love her. I never wrote about how happy we were. I never really gave her the credit she deserved or thanked her for putting up with my frequent stupidity.

I've been blaming her for our troubles and making excuses for my behavior. As if it were justified in some way.

We spent much of the night talking. Crying.

In all the time I have been so unhappy thinking that Precious had given up on us, I never once thought to tell her how I was really feeling. When we talked, it was her talking. I tend not to say much. Even when I should. Most times my silence is taken for uncaring or indifference.

It's really just me being afraid of saying the wrong things. I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to actually sharing any real feelings. I've always been a wall builder. Keeping myself safely behind them. I didn't realize that some where I built a wall between us. I am the one that gave up on us.

When things started getting hard and our relationship was tested, I went into hiding.

It's clear to me now why she said she didn't really trust me. I wasn't trusting her. Instead of talking to my best friend about how I felt, I turned to another. I was afraid of losing the things I treasured most and I put those things at risk even farther by being a jackass.

This morning Precious gave me her wedding ring and asked to keep it some place safe.

How is it possible for me to have hurt the person I care most about? I've been a terrible partner and a horrible friend. Saying sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.

Now that I realize that I may have screwed things up beyond what we can fix, of course it's too late. I was so upset that she didn't trust me that I went ahead and destroyed any trust that may have been left. And for what?

I guess now I have some thing to really fear.

Letting Go...

The past is almost inescapably. No matter how much time passes or how much we may want to forget, it's always there. Our past. A semi constant reminder of who we used to be. Or thought we were.

Now and then it is brought to our attention the our past wasn't quite the way we remember it. What may seem true to one person could be complete fantasy to another.

Apparently much of my past was fantasy. I have a hard time separating fantasy from reality and, that when making a desision that involves me personally, I may have a problem with right and wrong. And no matter how much time passes I will most likely always be a lousy communicator. I'm not anymore special than anyone else.

Tonight we spoke about splitting. Was there anything worth trying to save. Who would get Mr. Man. What we would do after. What the other person would do. It turns out we don't know one another very well at all and neither of us are very good communicators.

With all of the problems we have been having it was something new that brought up this talk.

This time it was all me. I did something amazingly asinine. I have no excuses. Just an other example of me sabotaging my life and not thinking about what I'm doing until it's too late. Sadly this part of my past is very accurate.

It seemed innocent at the time. I didn't think about how she might feel about it. It was a betrayal on my part. Instead of telling her how I felt I chose to tell someone else.

I turned my back on my best friend. My lover. My wife. My Precious. I put our entire history and our future at risk over something that I barely gave a thought. In my mind I knew it didn't mean anything. We were venting. Counseling. Playing. It wasn't something I took seriously. But it was very serious to Precious.

I didn't give her the credit or the respect she deserves and I hurt her badly. I am a complete and total ass.

She and Mr. Man are all that have ever mattered to me and I risked losing over someone I barely know.

I think it's about time for me to let go of my past. Remember it for what it was. A series of unfortunate events that I have embellished over the years to make me look good or feel better about being ass. I'm not any better. I'm not so much smarter. I'm not entitled to any more than I work for. It's not all about me.

Artsy-Fartsy...

I just can't stay away. This time, much like the last time, I was tired of the insanity and I wasn't going back.

Shit...

Today I agreed to sign on with a new gallery. It's director I have worked with in another lifetime. Two of the other consultants may be from the same long ago life.

This whole circle of life thing is really freaking me out. The duality of this is truly bizarre.

I love to cook, but I'm not going anywhere at the restaurant. No room for growth and no money to speak of, so, on we go to another adventure.

Back...to the world of art.

Yellow...

...is the color of the sun as well as the color of light and new riches. The Yellow Belt indicates that the light of a new day has begun to shine. It is the color of learning.




Last night I had my test for Yellow Belt. I passed. Now I'm the same rank as Mr. Man.

Before my testing he gave me some great advice.

"Dad, you know how I almost threw up and wanted to quit during my test? Well, try not to do that, Cuz Master T will notice if you throw up. You can do it Dad. Just don't throw up and you'll be ok."

It was close, but I did alright.