The Studio Plunder...A History, Part Ten

It was in 2001 that I painted my very first work in oil. It may be a little graphic for some so it is at the bottom of this post. You get a bit of warning before you scroll down.

I had started to spend much more time practicing my craft and things started to improve. At least I thought so. I was still working in pastels, soft and oil and now in oil paints. The subject matter was all over the place although I still preferred to use women as a main subject, I became fascinated with my pets and architecture.

The following works range from 2001 to 2003-ish. I have realized that I should date my works if I want to remember when they were made. My memory isn't so hot.

Us in Venice. pencil - unfinished

Venice. charcoal and blue chalk - unfinished

Notre Dame, Paris. charcoal - undecided

Precious and Ivy Dog in blue chalk

Precious in red. oil pastel

La Tour Eiffel la nuit. Chalk pastel

Colosseum, Rome. oil pastel

Notre Dame, Paris. oil pastel

My dog Blue. oil pastel

Cindy. soft pastel and graphite

Rhonda. oil pastel

Rhonda. graphite

This was my first painting in oil. It was my version of a painting that hangs in the Musee d'Orsay in Paris.

So What?

So I spend way too many hours talking to myself. I have come to realize(with a lot of help) that I don't always want to hear what I have to say. A person can live in fear of the unknown, or they can embrace it. I have spent my entire life, aside from a few years I lost, a lifetime ago, and recently the last few weeks, embracing the unknown.

Not quite sure why I slipped this time. Maybe it's the whole parent thing. I know that has changed me considerably. (for the better I might add)

So there it is. I refuse to live a life of fear, if even for a moment. I'm in charge here. With every new adventure there is risk, excitement and the unknown. It makes things interesting. We will have to make some big changes. C'est la vie!

As long as I stay calm and under control (for the most part) we'll be ok.

Thank you very much to everyone that commented and emailed during my episode. You are a great bunch of people.

The White Zone Is For Emotional Baggage Loading Only. No Unloading, No Parking!

Sometimes everything seems to hit at once. It's not necessarily the moving that has gotten to me. We have moved dozens of times. Having it forced on you is a bit worse but it's nothing we can't handle. The expense of moving we could do with out. Knowing that there is really nothing we can do about it because renters have no rights, torques my shorts.

I tell myself every morning, "It's going to be alright. Things will work out." I reassure Precious of the same things. I have never seen her so depressed. She's feeling the pressure. As I am.

The last two years have kick our asses. Hard. I'm loosing it. I'm beginning to wonder if things will really be alright, but I can't admit it out load. There are no guaranties. Bad things happen. Life is seldom fair.

I wonder if my life has become a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe I am an unhappy person and I'm bringing this on us. There have been hard times in my life. A life time ago. I hid behind drugs. Lately I have begun to feel the pull, and remember the allure they had to me. That they have on anyone that is in a tough patch. It gives escape. It makes you forget.

I can't escape this time. I have someone the depends on me. For everything. I have to be there. I have to make everything work some how. But I'm lost. I'm at wits ends. How much can a person take before they break.

I'm worried about Precious. She's at the edge. I know because I was standing there already. For the first time in my life I am truly afraid of what is going to happen to us. So much of life is beyond our control.

Every morning I hold on to Mr. Man before I leave for work. He's an angel. He has no idea and I need to keep it that way. I never want to let him go. But I have to. I have to go out into the world. I feel completely vulnerable. Like a target.

If I can only hold it together at work. Don't break down. Tell myself over and over, that it will be alright. Maybe I can make something happen. If I can only make something happen, it will be alright.

I hope that the other drivers can't see that I'm having a mini break down as I drive. I hold my hand up to shield my face from passing cars. Tears streaming down my cheeks. The pep talks are becoming less and less affective. I have started to doubt. I doubt myself, my abilities, my future. For the first time, I doubt myself.

The reality is that we are, at any given time, about two weeks from being homeless. I know it would never come to that. We have places to go, and family and friends that would help. But dear God has it really come to that? Have we really fallen so far?

I start throwing blame. I blame God. I blame Washington. I blame greed. I blame Precious. I blame myself. The only place it applies is with me. I am the one that is responsible for my life. And now theirs.

I know Precious prays. A lot. I don't see it helping her and it makes me sad. I remember praying. I can't any more. Some where along my road I have lost my faith. I have seen too much. I wonder if that is what's brought me here. A message from God that I've forsaken him. Maybe he just hates me. Maybe he's not listening, or maybe he's just not there.

My life has become filled with self pity, self loathing.I have become much less forgiving of myself. There is so much that is still good in our lives. Why can't I focus on that? My thoughts always seem to drift into how much worse things could be. I don't even want to think about how much worse things could be.

I just need to keep it together. Things will turn around. It's going to be alright. I want to scream it to the universe. It's going to be alright dammit! It has to be alright.

Precious told me that she needs someone to talk to. She can't tell me her darkest fears. But I know. I can see it on her face and hear it in her voice. They're my fears too. Wondering if our best years are behind us. Knowing that every month we are getting farther behind.

I'm not looking for sympathy, or pity, or advice, or help. I just need to scream at the universe. This is where I can do that with out causing a scene or being arrested.

It's funny. When you ask the universe, "How bad can it be?" You almost always find out. When you ask the universe, "How good can it be?" You never get a response. Makes me think that the no response, is the response.

Are You F*ing Kidding...

We found out today that the house we have been renting, has been sold. They were supposed to tell us two months ago, their bad. And yes, they said that.

We haven't even been here a year yet. Like this whole idea just sprung up on them.

They were kind enough to give us until the end of July to move out.

Mighty friggin decent of them.

Father's Day Comes Early...

I have never considered myself a "dog" or a "cat" person. I am an animal person. I love them all. (although snakes give me the creeps)

Precious is most definitely a dog person, which is why I was very surprised to find this when I got home from work.



I would like you all to meet Fat Louie. He's a seven year old male that was rescued earlier today.

Welcome home Louie.

The Studio Plunder...A History, Part Nine

Even though I had studied art and design in school, I never really took the fine art seriously. I was more into the design. Deep down I really wanted to be a painter.

In 2000 I was an emotional wreck. Death, depression, and love, can make for serious turmoil in ones life. It was difficult to take anything seriously.

I was designing three dimensional interiors like these two below. Several of them I created in my studio. The brick, city wall, was one of my favorites. Some where I have photos of it. I had even designed a few dresses. I wont be showing those designs. I do plan on trying to make them one day. But not today.

This is the initial concept for two walls that would be built in my studio/house. In full color and 3-D with moving parts and lights.

I had stared to create some erotica type works. No, I am not going to post the more graphic ones. These two below were part of a series of a dozen works. The others are borderline porn, depending on your point of view.

I know, they don't look very erotic but they are taken out of context.

I was spending much less time doing the quick sketches and studies. My goal was to concentrate on the work in front of me at the time and make more finished works. Graphite and pencils were the medium of choice. Easy to access and little to no clean up. They could be worked on any where and didn't need storage or drying time.

These three are also from a series of six works. The others are more risque.

This drawing became the study for my very first work in oil, which I painted at the end of 2001.

By the end of 2001 I had fallen in love. I have been told that I fall too easily. Maybe. I have always been lead be my heart. No matter how much pain love can cause, I have always found it to be worth the risk. It was this new love that became my Precious. My life and my art have never been same. It might not show as much in my art work, but she's made a huge difference in who I have become. Both as a person and a painter.

America The Beautiful...A Rebuttal

I very seldom let a comment get to me. If someone has a different opinion than I do, great. Let's talk. Maybe I can learn something new.

Sometimes though I read or hear things that just make me wonder how humanity has survived as long as we have.

Maybe this is all me. Maybe I'm the one that is confused and deluded. If you think so, let's hear it.

Anywho...I must share what is going on at my other site, Modern Man.

For some reason I just had to respond. Tell me what you think.

How Bad Could It Be?

This is at the top of my list of things I have got to stop saying. Because I always find out.