28 April 2010

Mending Fences...

How do you mend a fence that has now been broken twice? What can you do to fix a mistake...a flaw?...maybe, the mistake, has now been repeated and the fence torn. Does a flaw imply a lack of responsibility? Probably. Which makes the mistake all the worse and actions can only be blamed on the stupidity of the person in question. Sort of a, "What the fuck were you thinking?!" moment. Maybe not the first time, but most certainly the second. There is no other excuse than pure stupidity.

It's been said that you can't fix stupid. Wow, I hope that isn't true.

But back to my original thought. The lack of thought. You get it? The first time, there was...


No. There was no thought the first time either. Pure fucking egotistical stupidity. Yes, ego. Thinking about your actions before, and deciding that you are too smart and won't get caught tearing down sections of fence.

And why you ask, would someone want to tear down a fence?

Because they think they deserve more than they have earned. Simple as that. Greed. Fucking greed! Wanting more than you deserve and thinking you deserve more than you have earned. So not, the person I believe myself to be. I despise greed, of all kinds. It's not just about money and power. It applies on many levels.

Now this fence that I speak of is not just a fence. It's an agreement. We are going to live connected to one another. On each side of the fence are our responsibilities. For the connection to work, each must keep up their responsibilities. They each need to tend to the fence. Equally. Honestly.

After all, sharing a fence is a huge commitment. You are going to be joined with this other person for ever. You need to be close.

Some people know right away if they could share a fence. I did. As soon we met, I knew we were going to be friends. Long before we would share a fence together.

Very early on, I had a few tough decisions to make. There were a lot of people involved. A great deal at stake. Maybe, maybe not. It seemed so at the time. (Hind-sight is a curse) I chose poorly. and I hurt everyone involved because when it came right down to it, I wanted to cover my ass and not admit that I had done anything wrong. I was forced by the actions of someone else first, blah blah blah...

I. Chose. Poorly.

My best friend, forgave me. I knew that I needed to share a fence with this wonderful person. My best friend. I wanted them in my life on a daily basis. To share everything with the other. Mind, body and soul.

Years go by. Life is grand. We have share everything. We have seen the best and worst of the other and never flinched. We lived our lives side by side, connected, joined, by our fence. Even added a little cross section of fence that dissected our fence.

One day, a voice in my head told me to tear down part of our fence. Our connection. And give it to someone else. I knew someone else a long time ago.

I was faced with a choice. Now the person I believe myself to be, knows right away. Without thought. That the answer is no. Why would I give away part of our fence? I wouldn't.

I'm heart broken to admit, but that, is exactly what I did.

Now, had I gone to my best friend at the beginning and told them what my little voice was saying, I'm sure it would not have been a problem, we could have worked out why my voice is an idiot and laughed about all of it later.

Instead, I kept it to myself and hoped my best friend wouldn't notice or find out about the missing piece of fence. Really. I can't even imagine me doing something like that even as I read the words back to myself. What kind of best friend am I? What kind of any friend? Twice now I have done something that goes against everything that I claim to be. It goes against everything I want to be. One of which is a good example and care taker to our little fence. There is a right way and a wrong way to treat people.

Well twice now, I have forgotten that rule.

I. Chose. Poorly.

Except this time, It's different. There is so much more involved this time. Truly, so much more at stake.
Like the first time, my best friend gave me another chance. Thank you. I promise to be worthy.

However this time, as the fence gets mended, there will be a piece missing. A small piece of our fence that I gave away.

I said it before. I said it this time too. I'm sorry. To my best friend. To our little fence. To my old friend.
You all deserved more from me. But especially my best friend. A person that I have now spent more time with, than any other human. A huge part of who I am and who I want to be. Someone that I would be incomplete with out.

20 April 2010

Bold Moves...

1:45 am, still in the studio. Sleep...a lovely thought I keep as close to the edge of my mind as I can without it slipping away for good. Too many other things crowding to the front. Too many distractions. Caught in a whirlwind...

now usually I would have gone with a water reference right there; tidal wave, tsunami, flood, lost at sea, where I used "whirlwind". I'm much more of a water person and I just used an air reference. I wonder what that means...

Where was I? Distractions. No. Bold! Ya that's it...

So, another Chadette. 10 x 30 inches, un-named as of yet. Possibly not finished.

Bold? This is the first time I can remember consciously willing to risk the destruction of a painting to take it in another direction. I'm a little more cautious with my painting than the rest of my life for some reason.

It didn't take much, but there was to be no going back. It has taken me almost a year of deliberation as to what I should do to this canvas. I liked the painting the way it was, but I thought it needed something else. I just wasn't sure what.

This morning it dawned on me, (I just got that, sorry), she needed to be part of the Sorrow Series. She just wasn't sad enough.

After a lengthy discussion with myself...I think I fixed that...

She's almost there...

19 April 2010

12:45 to 2:30 AM...

Being an insomniac means I have several extra hours a day that most people don't. I try to make that time productive and not just watch mindless television. (The quality of programming at those late night, early morning hours is really quite horrible. I mean, really? Out of all of the years of television, this is the best you have left to put on the air? Seriously?) Sorry I dislike Television.

Anywho...I've been painting...

My first Chadette of 2010, and it only took me four and half months. As of yet untitled, 12 x 16 inches.

This and the other nude with the blue spaz background, are 36 x 48 inches. Still in progress.


I only have two weeks at the restaurant left. I'm going to miss it. It is really a bizarre world that I enjoy for the most part. This is a pretty good group of people.

The chef has always tried to be very good to me. They really want me to stay. I've been offered more money and more responsibility. It was flattering, but I need something more right now. Just once, I would like to give stability a try.

15 April 2010

Background Check...

As you can see I've been playing with the background. It crossed my mind this morning to paint over the entire back and make it bright white with sort of a very very pale yellow orange tint in it...maybe just white...We'll see.

Either way I think it's almost done.

11 April 2010

Give And Take...

There has to be give and take. It has to be honest. There has to be trust. They are works in progress.

In painting it comes easy. I give a little, I take a little. I'm honest with my canvas and my work comes from the heart. I trust in my skills and my medium to provide from what I give. As I paint and give of myself, I learn. I learn about painting. I learn new skills. I learn about myself and what I want from my work.

In a relationship, give and take, honesty and trust come more difficultly. When another person is involved. Other feelings and emotions come into play. I know what to expect from a canvas and paint. When I start to think that I know what to expect from another person, inevitably I find out I know nothing about what to expect, and very little about other people.

Communication with a canvas is simple. Even when I am lost and have nothing to tell a canvas and I stare at it's blank surface for days on end, I know exactly what it's all about. I know that a single stroke is all it takes and the blank silence is broken.

When there is a silence between people, emotions change, walls go up. Nerves are on end. Suspicions grow. At times they are well founded. Other times not. With each moment of silence, it becomes more difficult to break through. You start thinking about what needs to be said. What if it's the wrong thing? How will what's said be taken by the other person? The silence grows. As do the doubts and questions.

I used to think that life was simple. As I have learned of late, I am often wrong.

What may seem simple to one, is very complicated to another. What may seem harmless to one, may seem suspicious to another. A word miss spoken can not be taken back. An honest comment may come across as harsh and uncaring. Even something as simple as a kiss, can be taken the wrong way at times. Who knew?

When I'm in my studio, even when creatively blocked and unable to produce a simple mark, I know where I stand. It's outside the studio that my life is thrown into the abyss, not knowing from moment to moment which end is up.

I have never understood why some artists fear their creativity and the process. A blank canvas is nothing to fear. Art is simple. It's everything outside of the studio that's scary and complicated.

And with this I give you my latest learning experience.

Today, I learned that a little black, goes a long way. Still a work in progress. Me and my art.

05 April 2010

More Paint...More learning...

Not spending near enough time in the studio, the skills don't stay as sharp as they should. Every session is a new learning experience.

I made a little progress in spots, and I took a few steps backwards in spots. Either way I was pleased with this session. Mr. Man and I spent about two hours in the studio painting and laughing at one another, so it was all good.