My Greatest Fear...

The heart and emotions are funny things. Logic seldom plays a part in these matters. At least in my world. Love is what rules my life. More than anything else, I need someone to love, and someone that loves me. To hold and touch and kiss and...to keep loving. Today, tomorrow, always.

I have never really been able to make decisions with my head. Logic and common sense always go out the window. My heart jumps in. Emotions swirl about like a hurricane. Sparks fly and I lose control. All logic goes out the window.

I have tried several times to not follow love. Make more sensible choices. Love seldom lasts forever. One person, along the journey, changes their views. There needs change. There wants and desires change. Love fades. Sometimes it tries to changes and adapt. Sometimes things are just broken and can't be fixed.

At one point both halves of a couple are eager and excited to spend time together. Get to know the other persons secrets. What happens when there are no more secrets? What happens when the excitement dims? When the sparks no longer fly?

Love leaves us vulnerable. In order to love you have to be able to let down your walls and your guard. You have to open yourself up to unimaginable pain. Because with great pleasure comes great pain. In my life, love has always ended in great pain. It has almost always been worth it.

In the times of pain I swear I will never love again. I promise myself that I will never let my guard down. Never let anyone in as close again. Never let anyone else know all of your secrets. To never be vulnerable.

I have finally discovered that my greatest fear is not being alone, it's being vulnerable.

Maybe I Get It...

How much would you give up in order to make  100K a year? 200K? 500K?

Think of what's most important to you right now. Would you give that up for the next year or five with nothing but the hope that your life might be better after that point? Once you get to that level, what do you have to give up in order to maintain it?

Can you plan for the future and give up joy and pleasure now in order to possibly have more joy and pleasure in a few years?

It's more than 75 hours a week when it comes down to it, they tell you it's only 42. The pay is crap if you figure it out like that. It's 6 days a week. No sick days, no benefits, no real perks to speak of. Commuting to a different place every day. Mangers that are only money motivated, and love to talk about how much they make. And wouldn't it be great if we made that too. Just jump through our hoops and have blind faith.

It's a life of almost solitude for 4 to 12 months. No life outside of theirs. Being available at a moments notice for everything they need you for. Team nights after works. Team BBQ's on your day off. Team get togethers on your day off. Getting flown across the country late in the evening after you works half a day so you can be in and other state on your day off to spend 10 hours with other leaders and managers to tell you that you're crap if your not all in and how much money they make, and you could make it too, if you jump through the hoops. Picking up visitors and dropping them at the office. Dealing with interviews that have no car. Interviews that don't even show up or call.

Telling you that your concerns and shortcomings are just bullshit excuses for why you're not performing up to your standard. Your reasons and self evaluations are wrong because he used to have a job he hated.

You're either "all in" and committed to giving it all up for the golden carrot hanging in your future or your nothing. You must want to be a manager/owner or you're nothing. Those are your choices. Decide right now!

Maybe I get why 9 of 10 come and go in the few days, the other 1 drops a few days later

Craigslist, Home Of Crooks And Charlatans...

I have been trying to use Craigslist for one of my new business ventures. It's been a few months. I have ads placed in five different states, in a variety of cities.

For every one legitimate response I get to one of my ads, I get about 500 or more responses from some jackass trying to scam me.

Every time I listen to the news, I hear of someone else that has been ripped off, robbed, assaulted or murdered by a person they met on Craigslist.

Almost every ad I have every responded to on Craigslist has been placed by someone trying to scam me.

It seems to me that it has become a breading ground for criminals, thugs, and con artists.

I run ads on other venues and a variety of different sites. I never get the responses from them, that I get from Craigslist. In fact I seldom get any response from any of the other sites.
Not legit or scammers.

So what is it about Craigslist that attracts the dead beats and derelicts?

Confrontation...Part One...

I'm not really sure how it came to be, but I am basically a pacifist. It has been 25 years since the last time I was in a physical altercation. OK it was fight. A bar fight to be exact. Provoked by a bigoted drunk that couldn't mind his own business. 

Violence and aggression are wasted on me anymore. It's the lowest action a human being can take. It's purely instinctual. Require no thought. No reason. No basic human decency. It is the easiest of reactions. 

When your challenged, certain things happen. We all have the capacity to react in any number of ways. To me, the easiest way to react is with violence. A primal response that proves little and solves nothing. It's much more difficult to respond with calm reason and an understanding (or at least a chance of understanding) of your challenger. This can be done in a variety of ways. None more right or wrong from the others as long as it done in a peaceful fashion.

I still have the ability to be physical if it were a matter of life or death. I still have the ability to be aggressive when I'm challenged. At 6'3" and 200 lbs it's possible even, to be intimidating. (except to kids, they see right through me) I still remember that bar fight very clearly. For years after I even bragged about it. I was proud of the fact that I taught some drunk a lesson.

In reality, at that time, I'm pretty sure he learned nothing from the experience. Hopefully, he, like me, learned something form it years later. I'm sure I would react differently today. 

I believe that it's best to not judge others. Never underestimate.(you have no idea who that person is, or what they may be capable of doing) I believe that it's best to solve problems rationally and intelligently or except the outcome and walk away...

Happiest Place On Earth...?

Sunday we had free tickets for Disneyland. Note to self: Dear Self, Never, ever, go to Disneyland on a Sunday that happens to be Mother's Day as well as Bat's Day.

Holy claustrophobia Batman. The entire park looked like this. Ever corner, every where. Covered in...people! Large, unhappy, short tempered people with strollers. I was run into more than a dozen times. We needed armor. The average wait time for every ride we were interested in was over 60 minutes. The scariest part of all of this...I asked...the park was not at capacity. 

I can't even imaging how miserable this place would be had they actually sold out. The park will close the gates, depending on season passes and walk up guests is between 70,000 and 82,000 people. That equals one person for every 4 to 5 square feet. 

INSANITY! 

  

Bad Habits...Recognize...Eliminate...Move On...

There are times when I look back on behavior, attitude, direction, focus, discipline... And I wonder to myself, "Self, WTF are you doing?" You are lying in the road being trampled by the world as it goes past, staring and pointing. Telling their offspring to look and remember, don't every be like that guy. Snicker snicker.

Sometimes we (I) fall of the Man Wagon. Sometimes we(I) need a good kick in the pants. As we(I) all do. It's the bad habits that bring us(Me) down. No matter what we're doing, no matter how well things are, bad habits are going to screw things up eventually. OK fine. Just learn from the experience. Some of us can learn our lesson the first time around. Others, (me) need to be taught a lesson a couple times. Or a few times. But eventually, we(I) get it and move on. Moving On!

Divisions Of Time...

I have been pondering a New Year's post for about two weeks now. I have even written several of them.

I have been trying to sum up the past year. Basically, it blew large chunks. Which is what made me think about the last few years. All of which have really stunk up the charts.

This past 12 month period for example was complete with talk of separation and divorce. Child custody. Unemployed with out unemployment. Massive amounts of car repairs. Death. And various forms of personal and professional failure.

I mean, what's not to like.

But we're going to change a few things. Last year also brought us a new puppy. It brought me several new opportunities. It has brought new understanding of myself, of Precious and...well...

Anywho. Why do we need to break things up into year terms? Why 12 months? Why do they start in the middle of winter? Why not March 21st? Why not from leap year to leap year?

I'm tired of tracking my life in year long clumps. Life is too short for that. From now on I track my life from moment to moment. Each failure, the opportunity to learn and grow. Each success is one step closer to all of us being happy(er). A life of harmony. That's what I really want. Harmony. I'm not sure what I even mean by that, but that's what I want.

Begin small. You can't change everything at once. It's destined for failure and you'll go right back to old habits. No sir. Each day from the moment of consciousness, I greet the day with a smile. Even if it's forced. A pleasant morning together, breakfast, music and a laugh or two.

Mornings are our time together. Every morning is ours to determine what kind of day we begin.
I am choosing to begin them we joy.

As I head out into the world I try to keep that with me. Each situations outcome is largely up to me. I have always been told that I bring things on myself. Well then, it's time to bring on something better.

Each moment is mine. To do with, what I will.

So no matter how you divide your time, your moments are yours. Use them wisely.

Making A Difference...

For years I've been writing about wanting certain things in my life to change. It's really sad, just how long I've been writing those same words.

My problem?

It's not that I don't really know. I think I do. I just can't admit it to myself yet. The motivation is there. I have the why. Meaning, I have something that I need to change for. Maybe I'm just lazy.

What I realize now, that I had not before, is that I can't make a problem change, by doing and acting the same way that caused the problem.

Insanity, is doing the same things over and over while expecting a different result. Clearly I'm insane. I keep doing the same things over and over and expecting things to turn out differently.

Well, now I'm on the path to actually change things. I'm doing something differently. I have a mentor that I believe in. And he in me. Which is already a big difference.

It could be that I'm selfish and ungrateful, but I have never really felt like I've had the best support. From anyone really. But this is no pity party.

Change the way you do things, and things will change. At least the outcome will be different than it has been. Let's hope anyway.

Maybe I should work on my attitude first?

My New Sideline...

I have found a new business that I have been playing with. Two actually. It's quite a change from the art world. But I like it a great deal.

Sometimes you have do things out of your comfort zone. This is out of my zone. A good friend told me about SISEL and the products. Nutritional supplements, personal and home products. All 100% toxin free. A very Green company. Which is nice.

At first, I was instantly against this. Until I tried a few of the products. Eternity and FuCoyDon. After a couple of months, I hate to admit, but they work. They work well. I physically, feel better than I have in a very long time. (still working on my mental well being)

I encourage everyone to give these products a try. Feel better and live better.

ToolBiz and SISEL

Addiction Kicked...

Chester has lost his appeal. The game never changes. Just battle, battle, battle. Over and over. PLus, the only way to save your history is to be a member of Facebook. That's where they lost me. NO FACEBOOK!.

Sorry Chester, your game is cheesy, and gets old fast.

Mending Fences...

How do you mend a fence that has now been broken twice? What can you do to fix a mistake...a flaw?...maybe, the mistake, has now been repeated and the fence torn. Does a flaw imply a lack of responsibility? Probably. Which makes the mistake all the worse and actions can only be blamed on the stupidity of the person in question. Sort of a, "What the fuck were you thinking?!" moment. Maybe not the first time, but most certainly the second. There is no other excuse than pure stupidity.

It's been said that you can't fix stupid. Wow, I hope that isn't true.

But back to my original thought. The lack of thought. You get it? The first time, there was...

Shit!

No. There was no thought the first time either. Pure fucking egotistical stupidity. Yes, ego. Thinking about your actions before, and deciding that you are too smart and won't get caught tearing down sections of fence.

And why you ask, would someone want to tear down a fence?

Because they think they deserve more than they have earned. Simple as that. Greed. Fucking greed! Wanting more than you deserve and thinking you deserve more than you have earned. So not, the person I believe myself to be. I despise greed, of all kinds. It's not just about money and power. It applies on many levels.

Now this fence that I speak of is not just a fence. It's an agreement. We are going to live connected to one another. On each side of the fence are our responsibilities. For the connection to work, each must keep up their responsibilities. They each need to tend to the fence. Equally. Honestly.

After all, sharing a fence is a huge commitment. You are going to be joined with this other person for ever. You need to be close.

Some people know right away if they could share a fence. I did. As soon we met, I knew we were going to be friends. Long before we would share a fence together.

Very early on, I had a few tough decisions to make. There were a lot of people involved. A great deal at stake. Maybe, maybe not. It seemed so at the time. (Hind-sight is a curse) I chose poorly. and I hurt everyone involved because when it came right down to it, I wanted to cover my ass and not admit that I had done anything wrong. I was forced by the actions of someone else first, blah blah blah...

I. Chose. Poorly.

My best friend, forgave me. I knew that I needed to share a fence with this wonderful person. My best friend. I wanted them in my life on a daily basis. To share everything with the other. Mind, body and soul.

Years go by. Life is grand. We have share everything. We have seen the best and worst of the other and never flinched. We lived our lives side by side, connected, joined, by our fence. Even added a little cross section of fence that dissected our fence.

One day, a voice in my head told me to tear down part of our fence. Our connection. And give it to someone else. I knew someone else a long time ago.

I was faced with a choice. Now the person I believe myself to be, knows right away. Without thought. That the answer is no. Why would I give away part of our fence? I wouldn't.

I'm heart broken to admit, but that, is exactly what I did.

Now, had I gone to my best friend at the beginning and told them what my little voice was saying, I'm sure it would not have been a problem, we could have worked out why my voice is an idiot and laughed about all of it later.

Instead, I kept it to myself and hoped my best friend wouldn't notice or find out about the missing piece of fence. Really. I can't even imagine me doing something like that even as I read the words back to myself. What kind of best friend am I? What kind of any friend? Twice now I have done something that goes against everything that I claim to be. It goes against everything I want to be. One of which is a good example and care taker to our little fence. There is a right way and a wrong way to treat people.

Well twice now, I have forgotten that rule.

I. Chose. Poorly.

Except this time, It's different. There is so much more involved this time. Truly, so much more at stake.
Like the first time, my best friend gave me another chance. Thank you. I promise to be worthy.

However this time, as the fence gets mended, there will be a piece missing. A small piece of our fence that I gave away.

I said it before. I said it this time too. I'm sorry. To my best friend. To our little fence. To my old friend.
You all deserved more from me. But especially my best friend. A person that I have now spent more time with, than any other human. A huge part of who I am and who I want to be. Someone that I would be incomplete with out.

The North Wind...

As does happen in my life, when the North wind rolls through I feel a desire to follow. Gypsy blood runs deep within my veins.

But lately the wind has been swirling. Coming from several directions at once. Not knowing which way to go I have stayed in place. My heart confused and restless. Eager to move and follow my wanderlust that guides me.

I fear I have become lost in my confusion. I labor over, and doubt my decisions that once were instinctual. I second guess and questions my actions. Surrounded by a sea of humanity, I'm alone.

A few months ago I would have told you that I had most everything I ever wanted from life. Now I wonder if I haven't lost them. Or worse, thrown them away with my foolishness and fantasies. I fear that I may have forgotten which is real and which is imagined.

I waited and wanted for so long. Imagining what might be. What could be. It was all I had hoped and yet less. Something changed, as it always does. As I knew and feared it would. How, I'm not entirely sure. Only time will tell.

The wind blew and mussed our hair. In all my thinking and dreaming, the reality is never the same. It's wonderful and heart breaking, in most ways breath taking. It clouds and tears your eyes to impair you vision and the world goes fuzzy for a time.

The wind blew, and for now, I'm glad. It always brings something unexpected. For better or worse, it is what makes hearts race and passions burn or fade.

I shall stand and face the wind, eyes tearing and blurry, open to the world ahead of me.

Illusions...

Pain is a funny thing. I've experienced a lot of it my life. Been cut and stabbed, burned, had bones broken, eyes poked, had friends killed and loved ones lost, even been hit by a car. Some of these things left scars that will last forever, but the pain I felt at the time was fleeting and faded.

Of all of the things that have hurt me, it was a few simple words that caused the most pain. It was the pain of those words that has lasted the longest. Time does not heal all wounds.

Sometimes it's something simple and silly that brings those pains back.

Sometimes you get a reminder, that every thing you thought you were...you're not. Every thing you thought you had done...you didn't. Every thing you thought you had...you don't. Sometimes every thing you thought was real, is an illusion. It was only real in your head.

It's a rude awakening to find that you have been kidding yourself. It's a harsh reality to be reminded that even the simplest of mistakes, that took only a few moments if your life time and seemed innocent at the time, will haunt you. Some sins and crimes you pay for, for the rest of your life. No matter how much you've payed your debt, you can never pay it back.

Somethings lost, are lost forever and no amount of searching can find them again.

Even if people can forgive, they wont ever really forget. And as long as they remember, you're never really truly forgiven.

Shameless Self Promotion...2009

I struggle with whether or not to post things, like the thing I'm about to post.

Hopefully anyone that reads this, or has read it in the past will already know that I would never imply that you should or ask any of you to buy my work. If you've been around long, I've probably given you one or more of them.

I feel better that way. Really.

However since the rest of the world could possibly see this (it could happen), I'm going to do it.

To the rest of the world; Until I get to know you better and give you things, I would very much appreciate it, if you bought them. At least one. Part of it goes to charity and the rest goes to Mr. Mans college fund.
Thank you very much.

So, with out further ado: *insert trumpets and things here, it's up to you what sound you here*

*Our first annual (maybe) Black Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Sale*
www.chadspicknall.com

I warn you now, that next week when I mention this again I will most likely say that, "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

As always, I love to hear from you and get your opinions about any and all of it. I take it all in and think about it and then do what I want any way. After all, art is personal.

Which ones do you like? Which ones do you hate?

Which ones do you think are well done, and which are complete crap?

(oh I know, there are several that are complete crap, it's all personal and believe it or not, everything I still have has been admired and liked by someone at some point or I would have painted over it by now.)

Which ones could you live with?(not just mine, but any artists work you could live with) And Why?

Who thinks I should give up painting and start playing Darts professionally?

What ever....It's all good.

Opinions Please...

I normally don't put anything with my actual identity on this site. Mainly trying to keep this site from getting me fired or sued. But since my professional life has been adjusted, I can't really see what harm it's going to do to introduce one to the other. At least at this point.

No doubt I will come to regret that last statement but here goes anywho...

I have revamped my website and added a lot of new, and old works. Now I would like a few opinions.

Please take a look and let me know what you think. Good or bad. It all helps.

www.chadspicknall.com

Wake Up...

...The "Dream Job"...is over. 2009 is officially the worst, year, ever!

The Road To Hell...

...they say, is paved with good intentions.

Does that necessarily mean that all good intentions are bad?

There are many things that I have intended. A few went just as planned. While the rest, not so much.

Many of my intentions have become epic failures. Did I learn from them? Sure. Did I learn enough that I wont fail again? No.

It's said that we learn more from failure than success. So what am I learning?

I had intended to be a painter. I had intended to be living in Europe. I had intended for our business to flourish. I had intended to be a stay at home parent and not have to pay someone else to raise our child while we were slaves to the man. I had intended to live my life much differently than I have.

Is it just me or has it gotten much much warmer?

Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased with my life for the most part. It's just different than I had dreamed. I guess most dreams are quite different than the reality that follows. We spend our time working and planning and following those dreams and one day you find out that "our dreams" are not ours, they're mine.

It's still sinking in. Another epic failure on my part. Another intention gone wrong. I have been looking forward to something I thought we shared, only to find out that we don't. It's deflating.

I feel like I have failed them in the worst way. How did I miss that? My single mindedness has let them down. My focus was misguided. My judgment skewed.

Half of you lives in a fantasy world and dreams as big as possible, while the other half is just trying to get through each day without being crushed by the pressure of modern slavery.

How do those halves reconcile with one another? How do you compromise with out giving up who you are or what you want? What does it take to even understand the other half without seeming selfish? At what point do our dreams need to be altered or just given up?

How Bad Could It Be?

This is at the top of my list of things I have got to stop saying. Because I always find out.

Nikon, What Have You Done? Please Tell Me This Is Ashton's Fault...

As many of you may know, I am a devoted fan of all things Nikon. Especially the cameras. I have multiple 35 MM bodies that I have been using for more than 20 years. The lenses are fabulous.  Every where I go I always bring one of the compact cameras with me. For almost ten years now I have been using the Coolpix in a variety of versions. I use them to death.

Until yesterday I would have said that Nikon makes the greatest cameras, In. The. World. Bar none.

You see, yesterday I needed to replace my compact Coolpix L11 because after more than 10,000 photos going through it, it has stopped keeping track of file numbers. Every time I turn it off it resets back to DSCN 0001.jpg. It's really not that big of a deal until I try to download them to my laptop and it tells me that those files already exist.

Anywho...I automatically went to my local camera dealer to find a new Nikon Coolpix. After careful consideration and playing I picked out a Coolpix S220.

In less than 24 hours I have come to dislike, no hate, ok, that may be harsh. No, I hate it! Passionately!

I should have know as soon as Nikon started using Ashton to sell their product that something was wrong. 

In all my years of LOVING Nikon products, they have soured me with this one. The Coolpix S220 is by far the worst camera I have ever taken a photo with. No, tried to take a photo with. Even the disposable crappy ones from a 7-11 take a better photo.

The picture quality is horrible. Grainy, blurry, fuzzy, crap. In addition, the movies are choppy and the sound doesn't mesh with the image. The battery life is a terrible 140 photos per charge. I hate the rechargeable batteries. When shooting video, the battery dies before the memory is full.

The size and the price were attractive, but that is where the attraction stopped.

I have tried all of the settings, all of the features, in doors and out. Day and night. They all suck. I have yet to get a decent photo out of this abomination. 

 As soon as I get a chance I'm returning it. Nikon, you have hurt me. I feel used. And I may *gasp* look at a Cannon or Sony.

How did this poor excuse for a camera ever get out of testing? Shame on you Nikon.

Draining Me...

My mind wandered off today. Way back into the past. I was trying to remember how long we were together. It was way too long.

We met young. Too young. We stayed together because people told us we shouldn't. I got used to having you around. Don't get me wrong, we had some great times together. We had some crappy ones too. You were always there for me. Didn't ask much. I enjoyed your company more than I should.

There were pieces of you every where in my life. I was so proud of myself the day I threw everything away. I found things in places I hadn't been for years. It was like you had always been with me. It was hard to remember a time you weren't there.

I left without telling you. No forwarding address. I always knew where you were though. For almost three years we were apart, and you know what? I enjoyed it. I liked my time away from you. I have never been more productive. I met new friends, saw new things. I didn't really miss you when it comes right down to it.

Then you found me. Without warning, there you were. Like a sap, I let you back into my life without question. Like we had never been apart. Now I'm finding parts of you all over my life again. What the hell?

I realize know that this time it's different. I needed you this time. I wanted you before. This time I see what I can be without you. We're not good together. Never really were, to be honest. You're a taker. For what I get, I have to give up much more. That's not right. Your joy is momentary and fleeting and as long as I let you, you will always want more.

My life has been very much the same for quite awhile. Upon reflection I realized that you were keeping me from moving on. I was growing and flourishing without you. Now that has been stifled and I'm back to where I was. I can't have that. I am stronger than you. I have greater will power. You don't need me either.

Someday we may meet again. I'm sure of it, it's a small world. When me pass on the street we can be pleasant. Maybe chat for bit to catch up, then I'm on my way. You can never be apart of my life again. I'm moving on. Without you. Don't call. Don't stop by. It's over.