18 January 2016

Cold Indifference...

How do I stop loving someone? How do I make my heart realize that she doesn't love anymore? Or  realize that maybe she never really did? Her cold indifference toward me is like a knife to my skin. I miss her so much. I want to hold her and tell her how much I still care.
She doesn't love me. She doesn't even like me most days, I'm more of a toleration. Spending any amount of time with me is merely for our son and then I'm dismissed as soon as possible.
Why can't I let go and realize that she is not going to come back. Her heart has no room for me.
I keep hoping that one day she will see something in me that she used to see. But each time our eyes meet mine are met with regret. Why can't she see me the way we were? Why isn't my love and romance enough for her? Why am I not enough for her? I hate this. Why can't I let her go the way she let me go? I'm tired. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep each night. I'm tired of missing what I thought we had. I'm tired of the rejection and cold indifference.

16 January 2016

Think About Life Alone...

Why do you talk about me as if I weren't around? Why do you talk about our son as if he were only yours? Have you even considered that one of these days he will want to come live with me? Because he will. We didn't give him a choice as you decided that he's better off with you.  How much thought have given to what life will be like alone? You know, the life you expect me to accept without question. The life you keep telling me wont be as bad as I have imagined it being.
It's all about you and what your needs. You say it's because I can't take care of him. Maybe not right this moment, I can't, or at least not to your standards, but I will be able to very soon. What then? Are you willing to give him up as easily as you think I should give him up?
Have you thought about what it's going to be like, to be in your home and it's completely silent? No sounds of happy kid. No sounds of animals playing or fighting or running amok. Just you. The sound of your own thoughts echoing through your head and empty home. Have thought about life without him? Without any of it?  With out everything we spent the last 17 years working toward. Just you? Alone!
Just like you are asking me to accept. I hope you can live with it as easily as you expect me to live with things, because one day soon, he will want to live with me.
Enjoy your solitude and try to remember the bullshit you fed me about it all being alright.

14 January 2016

If Only You Loved Me...

I try to understand. I try to see the situation for your point of view. I try to listen to myself explain things in my head. I try to hear you when you tell me that you don't love me. that you haven't loved me. My memories of us were happy. My journal tells a different story, of sadness and regret. I wonder who wrote these things. I can't believe that you said such mean and hurtful words toward me. I can't understand how you could push me away when all I ever wanted to do was worship you. I called you Precious. I thought you were my one true love. You are constantly in my thoughts. Even still, as I hurt more than I have ever hurt, I still love you. With a word I would run to your arms and hold you like there were no tomorrow. Everything that has happened forgotten in an instant...if only you loved me. How could you not love me when I love you with everything I have? How could that not be enough for you? What more can I  offer? I need someone to hold, to share my life, to love even if it's not completely the way I love you, I need to have someone to hold. To be held. How could you push me away? How could have pushed me away when I loved you? What was that supposed to accomplish? I need someone, anyone if I can't have he one I want but I need someone. You knew this and you pushed me away all the same. Is this what you wanted all along? You were trying to push me away to the point I couldn't or wouldn't come back? Did you want me to be the one to leave? How could I leave someone I love so deeply? How can you not see how much I care for you? I would try or do anything for you. Am I immature or weak minded? Is there something wrong with me that I can't let go? Why can't I be as cold and unloving toward you, as you are toward me? None of it matters to me. I would hug you and love you and never let you go...if only you loved me. We could be happy again. We could conquer the world. We could have the greatest life together...if only you loved me.