24 January 2009

Party Favors...

So, Mr. Man, how was the party? Did you have a good time?

Ya. It was fun.

What did you do?

We played. I ate cake. I got a hot wheel and candy.

Who was there? Did you meet new friends?

I don't know. I got candy.

Good deal pal. Can I have some?

Ok. Can we play some more?

You bet. I'm glad you had fun.

Me too.


I am so upset with myself today that it has actually given me a migraine. Today I did something that I promised myself I would never do. Today, I put my job ahead of my son.

With our most recent move, this is the first time we have lived near other kids. Mr. Man loves having friends so close. Today he is going to his first Birthday Party. It's across the street from us and every kid in the neighborhood will be there along with their parents. Except us. Precious can't go either. Instead, the in-laws will be taking him.

He has been very excited about it. We've talked about it a couple of times. I so want to be there, and I can't. I know, there will be others, but this is the only first. The excitement of it all, will be gone next time.

No matter what kind of promises I made to him or myself, I realize that some of them, like being there for his first birthday party, will get broken. In the long run, Mr. Man will most likely never remember that I wasn't there. He probably wont remember that he was there. But I will.

I'm more than likely over reacting to all of this, but it has made me wonder about the other events in his life that I will undoubtedly miss over the years. Is this just the first of many? Where will I draw the line? Do I miss Birthday parties but go to ballgames or piano recitals?

A funny thing about having a child, is that it has made me really question many of my actions and re-evaluate my belief system. I have been through some very emotional and trying ordeals in life and never flinched, and now a five year olds Birthday party has made me feel like a failure.

Tonight when I get home, I will ask Mr. Man if he had a good time and what he did. Like most kids this age, I have a pretty good idea of what he's going to say.

We played and ate cake.

22 January 2009

Draining Me...

My mind wandered off today. Way back into the past. I was trying to remember how long we were together. It was way too long.

We met young. Too young. We stayed together because people told us we shouldn't. I got used to having you around. Don't get me wrong, we had some great times together. We had some crappy ones too. You were always there for me. Didn't ask much. I enjoyed your company more than I should.

There were pieces of you every where in my life. I was so proud of myself the day I threw everything away. I found things in places I hadn't been for years. It was like you had always been with me. It was hard to remember a time you weren't there.

I left without telling you. No forwarding address. I always knew where you were though. For almost three years we were apart, and you know what? I enjoyed it. I liked my time away from you. I have never been more productive. I met new friends, saw new things. I didn't really miss you when it comes right down to it.

Then you found me. Without warning, there you were. Like a sap, I let you back into my life without question. Like we had never been apart. Now I'm finding parts of you all over my life again. What the hell?

I realize know that this time it's different. I needed you this time. I wanted you before. This time I see what I can be without you. We're not good together. Never really were, to be honest. You're a taker. For what I get, I have to give up much more. That's not right. Your joy is momentary and fleeting and as long as I let you, you will always want more.

My life has been very much the same for quite awhile. Upon reflection I realized that you were keeping me from moving on. I was growing and flourishing without you. Now that has been stifled and I'm back to where I was. I can't have that. I am stronger than you. I have greater will power. You don't need me either.

Someday we may meet again. I'm sure of it, it's a small world. When me pass on the street we can be pleasant. Maybe chat for bit to catch up, then I'm on my way. You can never be apart of my life again. I'm moving on. Without you. Don't call. Don't stop by. It's over.

14 January 2009

Some Days, Are More Difficult Than Others...

Wednesdays were the hardest days to get going. It's our Mondays. We all have Mondays and Tuesdays off. So Wednesday mornings Mr. Man doesn't want to go to school. He would rather stay with us at home. I would rather stay at home with he and Precious. I seem to be late almost every Wednesday.

Today, I just found out, all of our schedules got changed. We will no longer all have Mondays and Tuesdays off together. No more family days. I already miss spending more quality time with them and now it's getting cut back even more. Some things get less and less dreamy every day.

Sometimes we are forced into doing things we don't want to do. Maybe it was the way we were raised. It's not that those things are wrong or illegal or immoral, we were just brought up to think that you don't. But sometimes you do. So why feel bad about it? Why let it bother you? Just move on and get on with things. Right? Right!

I have realized this morning that my sense of "fair" and "just", are out of balance with the rest of the world. There is very little "fair" and things are rarely "just". At least by my definitions. Why do so many of us hold on to these beliefs as if they should be the norm? They are definitely not the norm. I'm not even sure those words should be used in the English language.

The same goes for "good intentions". There is a reason that the road to Hell is paved with them.

Maybe we just need new definitions, because the old ones seem to be misleading and overly optimistic. Naive even. Or maybe it's just me.

08 January 2009

Mission, San Juan Capistrano...

Last weekend we took the heard to the Mission in San Juan Capistrano. I had never been. It's a beautiful little town and Mission. I ended up taking 91 digital shots, 2 rolls of color and 2 rolls of black and white film. What a tourist. I was walking around with three cameras. I have put a few shots here and a few more on flickr. Still waiting to have my film processed.

It's amazing how difficult it is to take a good photo without all the annoying tourists in your shot. I managed to get a few of them though.

07 January 2009


Blog update:

Ok, let's start with some help. I need a way to signify what's make believe and what's real. Or at least real in my mind. Apparently there is a bit of confusion about selected posts.

Most recently, Branford. Not a real person. Situation with Branford, not a real situation.


Dream Job update:

No so dreamy after all. Still great, but not so dreamy. Serious struggle. Still questioning the art world from this perspective. I guess my priorities have changed. I guess I got spoiled. I miss spending so much time with Precious and Mr. Man. I miss having time off. I hate having to pay a stranger to watch him while we work. I've been hearing things around the water cooler that are making me wonder. Paranoia? Wishful thinking? Pending doom?

I can feel the North wind blowing. It might be time for an adjustment.


Personal update:

In laws are still living with us. Still have nothing in common with my in laws. Still have no common ground about any subject. Still hanging in there.


Artistic update:

.......lost. Totally, lost.

03 January 2009

Dumb Luck...

You grow up being told that you can do anything. That you can become anything. This is the land of opportunity, where every child can grow up to become the President.

For the longest time we believe it too. Most people spend their lives toiling away barely managing to keep their heads above water. Always thinking that tomorrow will be their day. Most are ok with this. They live their lives, blissfully unaware. They don't think about what life really is or what life should be. But what life should be and what could be are two entirely different things.

I found out later that his name was Branford. He had a life that most would see as better than average. A family, nice home and car, a decent job. Apparently life isn't what it seems to others. Branford was barely hanging on. All of his dreams and aspirations had vanished as the years went bye. He went to school, got a degree, found a good job, worked hard, had a good attitude. Always gave a little bit extra.

It's what he had been told all of his life, but no matter how hard he worked, no matter how much extra he gave, he kept falling.

He didn't ask for much from life, but he just kept falling.

That morning he went to work like every other day. It was raining. He tried to screw on a smile but there were none left. After years of smiling and faking it through the days when you have nothing extra to give, he had run out.

He stopped for a cheeseburger and soda. Drove to work where he stood in the men's room eating and pacing. Contemplating his life and where it had gone. Not at all the direction he wanted it to go. After years of believing, he had come to realize that most will always be servants. Mere peasants to work for the benefit of the few. The lucky few that just happen to be in the right place at the right time. The few that happen to know the right people or have the right connections. The few that had trust funds to fall back on.

Branford didn't know anyone. He had no connections. He had no trust fund. Occasionally he would buy a lottery ticket and then laugh at himself for paying the "poor tax". More of The Man telling us that we have a chance to get rich if we pay for their tickets. He would never be content with being a drone. He was capable of so much more. The curse of potential.

He cleaned himself up, adjusted his tie and ran his fingers through his hair. He rolled up his sleeve to expose his flesh. The needle poked a hole but only a drop of blood escaped. With a soft pressure the warmth that filled his veins began to burn. Staggering back into the wall his body slid to the floor collapsing in a heap. Briefly sobbing but not sure why, he found a smile.

He drifted away into oblivion. That's where I found him. On the floor. Broken and unwilling to continue. Branford gave up. He wanted to opt out and knew this would do it.

Who was I to interject myself into his life. This chance meeting between the two of us. I think it is the Japanese that believe you become responsible for a persons life if you save it. It crossed my mind. Do I want to be responsible for this strangers life? I'm barely responsible for my own. Who am I to say that what he's doing is wrong? I should close the door and walk away. Let his life unfold as it will.

He looked up at me with a thousand yard stare. He was almost where he wanted to be. So was it fate, karma, a divine intervention? Maybe something worse. Just plain dumb luck. But who's, his or mine? You can not make your own luck. I don't care what any one says. It was the second time I had heard that today.

I turned and started to push open the door. Instead, I reached for my cell phone. Shit. Now I'm responsible for him too.