03 March 2008

Up Against The Wall...

This is where I've been the last few, or 18 months. Against the wall. Between the rock and a hard place. Exposed to the world. This and the next few Chadette, Nudettes, all have brick walls behind them. I guess they're metaphorical.

It's my own fault. At least I blame myself. I didn't do enough from the get go. I should have asked more questions. I shouldn't have been so trusting.

Confused? Me too.

The older I get the more I question myself and my abilities. Is that normal?

I remember applying for a job when I was 25. I was invincible. I knew everything. I could do anything.

I got the job. A management position. I had access to my personal file. The man that interviewed me made a note that I was arrogantly confident, to the point of being cocky. I'll never forget that. He was right. I was arrogant and cocky and I wasn't afraid to let you know.

Fifteen years later I've learned a few things, and until this year I still had no doubt that I could do anything I set my mind to doing. I'm just much more quiet about it.

I have never failed the way I have this time. I'm not dealing it with well. I don't sleep. I don't eat right. I drink too much. I know in my heart that I should most likely give in and move on. My head is too stubborn and doesn't want to admit that I was so wrong.

No matter how many times I go over things. Coming up with plan after plan to fix it all. None seem to work. The hole gets deeper and deeper. If I don't stop digging, soon I won't be able to see out anymore.


heather! anne! said...

Is there anything I can do to help? I so get being up against the wall.

The_Mrs said...

Setting goals for yourself and being confident in those goals and your abilities - there isn't anything wrong with that at all!

I just wanted to say that the best laid plans... well, you get the picture.

I think of my life as a rough draft or an outline. There's a guide to get started in accomplishing the things I want to do, but I gave up making definite plans and definite deadlines a long time back.

Don't get discouraged! You have vision and know what you want out of life.. it may just be that there's another way of achieving that - perhaps one you haven't thought of yet.


eclectic said...

You may not be cocky anymore, but you are still as capable as you've ever been, and life is still cyclical. You're at the low point of a down-swing apparently, but the roller coaster will head back up soon. Which means, of course, that you'll probably have to do some climbing, but the view from the top will be worth it. And you will get there, MW. You will. The universe can only bitch-slap someone like you for so long before it has to give up in the face of your basic decency. Hang in there, buddy.

Footsteps said...

I'm your newest fan. Enjoy using your gift; no one else can share your message in your unique way. Your honesty is the connecting component in both your writing and your art, and you're miles ahead of most. Don't stop before you get where you're going!

gonzales said...

personally, shut up and keep painting. as an artist myself i can say it isn't going to get any easier. otherwise,what's the use of doing art? you know me and i can vouch that we quit doing art on a monthly basis. Haha. The funny thing is that we bitch and moan but we still keep making art because thAt's what we do. the best advice i got from an instructor was "enjoy the process". it's also good to know that all the other artists we look up to have gone (or are going) through the same shit we do. the books and press might not say it, but it's true!!!

Sheree Rensel said...

Oh geesh William. We are so in the same place. The only difference is I am 14 years ahead of you. Can you imagine what you will be feeling when you are 54? I have absolutely no advice for you. If I did, I would use it myself! Also, I know when I am in this "ugly place", people's voices tend to sound like blah, blah, blah mixed in with yadda, yadda, yadda. I know the hole from which you speak. I have it all too clear in my mind's eye. Ironically, I wrote a post on my Visual Blog today called "Bright Eyed Ambition". I talk about a guy on YouTube just starting out. He is all bushy tailed and eager. I wish him well. I don't know the answer except to do what I am doing right now. I am "Faking it until I make it!". I just keep moving, writing, working, and making art. That is all I know how to do.

JD said...

William, I'm new to your blog. Your honesty is appreciated.

Get out and start eating right!

I remember feeling "stuck" and can't exactly say how to get out of it. It just seems to pass within time.

The ONLY thing I can say that helps it pass a little quicker is by you taking action.

You MUST find it within yourself to go out into the sunshine... and eat a banana. (may sound weird but go to my, JD's In The Moment blog and read my post on bananas).

We get to a point in our lives where the "masks" we've learned to master, just don't work anymore.

We actually knew they weren't the "real" us, but they fooled everyone else so well that we even had ourselves believing that "cocky" was really who we were.

Fear that we are not good enough, smart enough, pretty or handsome enough is, I believe, normal.

The self can never be lied to for too long. We always, at some point, must embrace all of us. Warts and all.

THAT is who we really are. All of us. Once we embrace that there is NO such thing as perfect, we go on with our lives with an inner peace that is golden.

You are perfect, warts & all, just the way you are.

Go out in the sunshine, smile, eat a banana, love who you are right now, and help someone that is less fortunate than you and keep writing.

You've helped me today. Thanks!