This is where I've been the last few, or 18 months. Against the wall. Between the rock and a hard place. Exposed to the world. This and the next few Chadette, Nudettes, all have brick walls behind them. I guess they're metaphorical.
It's my own fault. At least I blame myself. I didn't do enough from the get go. I should have asked more questions. I shouldn't have been so trusting.
Confused? Me too.
The older I get the more I question myself and my abilities. Is that normal?
I remember applying for a job when I was 25. I was invincible. I knew everything. I could do anything.
I got the job. A management position. I had access to my personal file. The man that interviewed me made a note that I was arrogantly confident, to the point of being cocky. I'll never forget that. He was right. I was arrogant and cocky and I wasn't afraid to let you know.
Fifteen years later I've learned a few things, and until this year I still had no doubt that I could do anything I set my mind to doing. I'm just much more quiet about it.
I have never failed the way I have this time. I'm not dealing it with well. I don't sleep. I don't eat right. I drink too much. I know in my heart that I should most likely give in and move on. My head is too stubborn and doesn't want to admit that I was so wrong.
No matter how many times I go over things. Coming up with plan after plan to fix it all. None seem to work. The hole gets deeper and deeper. If I don't stop digging, soon I won't be able to see out anymore.