Making A Difference...

For years I've been writing about wanting certain things in my life to change. It's really sad, just how long I've been writing those same words.

My problem?

It's not that I don't really know. I think I do. I just can't admit it to myself yet. The motivation is there. I have the why. Meaning, I have something that I need to change for. Maybe I'm just lazy.

What I realize now, that I had not before, is that I can't make a problem change, by doing and acting the same way that caused the problem.

Insanity, is doing the same things over and over while expecting a different result. Clearly I'm insane. I keep doing the same things over and over and expecting things to turn out differently.

Well, now I'm on the path to actually change things. I'm doing something differently. I have a mentor that I believe in. And he in me. Which is already a big difference.

It could be that I'm selfish and ungrateful, but I have never really felt like I've had the best support. From anyone really. But this is no pity party.

Change the way you do things, and things will change. At least the outcome will be different than it has been. Let's hope anyway.

Maybe I should work on my attitude first?

Paint...Cook...Paint...

Pelican Point Sunset

An almost perfect crustless quiche. Mushrooms, Ham, 3 Cheeses, Asparagus.

Dark Breakers

Bold Moves...

1:45 am, still in the studio. Sleep...a lovely thought I keep as close to the edge of my mind as I can without it slipping away for good. Too many other things crowding to the front. Too many distractions. Caught in a whirlwind...

now usually I would have gone with a water reference right there; tidal wave, tsunami, flood, lost at sea, where I used "whirlwind". I'm much more of a water person and I just used an air reference. I wonder what that means...


Where was I? Distractions. No. Bold! Ya that's it...

So, another Chadette. 10 x 30 inches, un-named as of yet. Possibly not finished.



Bold? This is the first time I can remember consciously willing to risk the destruction of a painting to take it in another direction. I'm a little more cautious with my painting than the rest of my life for some reason.

It didn't take much, but there was to be no going back. It has taken me almost a year of deliberation as to what I should do to this canvas. I liked the painting the way it was, but I thought it needed something else. I just wasn't sure what.

This morning it dawned on me, (I just got that, sorry), she needed to be part of the Sorrow Series. She just wasn't sad enough.

After a lengthy discussion with myself...I think I fixed that...



She's almost there...

12:45 to 2:30 AM...

Being an insomniac means I have several extra hours a day that most people don't. I try to make that time productive and not just watch mindless television. (The quality of programming at those late night, early morning hours is really quite horrible. I mean, really? Out of all of the years of television, this is the best you have left to put on the air? Seriously?) Sorry I dislike Television.

Anywho...I've been painting...


My first Chadette of 2010, and it only took me four and half months. As of yet untitled, 12 x 16 inches.

This and the other nude with the blue spaz background, are 36 x 48 inches. Still in progress.

*****

I only have two weeks at the restaurant left. I'm going to miss it. It is really a bizarre world that I enjoy for the most part. This is a pretty good group of people.

The chef has always tried to be very good to me. They really want me to stay. I've been offered more money and more responsibility. It was flattering, but I need something more right now. Just once, I would like to give stability a try.

The First Portrait Of 2009...

I (think) this one is finished. I did put my name on it already. Although now that I see it in the photo, there are a few areas that I might touch up. The next phase will be the varnishes and the cracking.

This new step in my work will prove to be a challenge for me. I'm impatient. No, really, it's true. The challenge is that varnish, can not be rushed. The brand I use at this point recommends that the work be "dry" for at least six months before applying. Six months.

On the up side of this, I have a bout forty works still in the studio that have been dries for a year or more. Let the cracking begin.

Although I was informed by Precious that I am not to crack a few certain works. Good thing she spoke up when she did.

I still need a name for this one too. So if anyone has a suggestion...speak up.

That Felt Good...

It has been almost ten months to the day since I have painted. WTH? I had to search my records and photos to double check. Surely it had only been a few months at the most. (and don't call me Shirley)

Sadly it was true. That's the longest I've gone in more than a decade. It disturbs me that my life has gotten so far from my ideal comfort zone.

So, I put Mr. Man to bed at 8:30. Around 9:30 I go back down stairs to find our screen door open. Cat has now figured out how to open all but the front door to our house. Great!

I spend the next hour searching the neighborhood. Got stopped by a cop. Spot lights that could melt a retina, right in face. My Mag Light suddenly feels inadequate. He stopped to question me.

Some body acting suspicious in the area with a big flash light, peeking under cars and in yards.

If I see them I'll let you know.

Go figure. He meant me.

Ya, so I'm finally in the studio, can't sleep, a bit wound up after tracking down the cat. I have a few old works I haven't shown. I have been wanting to 'crack' (artificial aging) them for some time now. So tonight I did. The fruit and a couple of my girls. I love it!



The aging varnish goes first. A hour or two of drying time. But not too much or it wont work. Then the cracking varnish. It takes an hour or two as well. If it doesn't crack before it's completely dry you can use a hair dryer to help it out. But only before it's completely dry, or it wont work. The cracks will vary. I was very pleased with the fruit. So they were right for the most part.

In between drying times I worked on this little seascape for a warm up. 'Storm over Red Sands', 16 x 20.

There are seven other canvases that I am priming with background color. Part of an ongoing Martini theme for EVOO Cooking School in Cannon Beach Or. Great place.

Here are the two girls. Well not the whole girls. Details. I loved her neck in this first one.



I really like the way this one looks. It has some writing on the left side of the canvas. I like her better with out it so I'm either going to paint over it or cut it off and re-stretch.



And just for fun, a brick wall that I will use as a back drop for something else. Maybe one of my apocalyptic works I've been working on.


Wow. That felt good. Ten friggin months. Baby, that is too long. (insert your own joke here)

Slowly Making Me Nuts...

So little to do, so much time.

Wait, reverse that.

The 2nd new job is a lot of fun. Hard, but fun. I haven't had to work my brain like this for years. It's a nice change of pace. I will tell you that it is still in the art world. Tomorrow I have to be part of a conference call, and they are going to quiz me. With the entire company on the call. After three days. I will find out about 2 minutes before hand what I have to tell them about. Nothing like pressure.

I think I am going to have to let the 1st job go. I can't seem to get anyone in Vista to talk to me. They don't care that we are reviewing their businesses. What a bunch of hostile dip shits. It takes for ever to get anything done. At this rate I'm making about $2 an hour. I think it might be best to focus on the job I really want, the 2nd one.

Have you ever known anyone that likes to think that they are some kind of "visionary", and the rest of the world just thinks that they're f-ing nuts? I know someone like that. Unfortunately he has been a part of our lives for far too long. Just when I think he has done the craziest thing I have ever seen, he tops himself. Amazing! And yes, he has done it again. That's another story.

The art world just gets more and more insane. It's really too bad that I love it so much. It's slowly making me nuts too. Although, in fairness, I may have had a head start to begin with.

This morning at around 3:30 am Precious and I had a conversation about money, life, jobs and our stress levels. Ya, I haven't been sleeping much. About three hours a night for the last week.

Anywho, it brought up a few very funny topics. At least they were funny in the middle of the night. We laughed and laughed.

• People that are in debt shouldn't stress. It's the people we owe money to, that should worry.
  

Ya, that was a hell of a lot funnier at 3:30 am. There was more, but I'm going to keep those to myself. For Now.

So Mr. Man and I are driving along, minding our own business, when this crazy man goes whipping by. Mr. Man says, "Dad, that guy...is..a..total...douche bag."

I almost broke a rib trying not to laugh. He was right, but...I have to take the blame for that. I'm sure he heard me say that at one point or another.

He was right though. The guy was a douche bag.

My movie career has come to an end. At least for a while. The show I was filming has been canceled. They most likely won't even air the ones I was on.

Hollywood still sucks!

When Did This Turn Into A Personal Journal Of Whine?

It's about 5am. I've been awake for several hours now. Can't sleep. I started my new job yesterday. Loved it. This is a lousy time for insomnia. I have a ton of things to learn. My brain hurts from reading. The last two years seem to have turned me into a veg.

On top of that I am feeling claustrophobic in my own body. I'm having sinus trouble. They swell up to where I can not breath through my nose at all. Nothing. In or out. I've tried inhalers. Sprays. Decongestants. Tubes. The pressure builds up to where it gives me migraines. I'm quite sure that if I took an ice pick, and stuck it through one of my eyes into my brain, and swirled it around, that it would feel better than it does right now. Never a shot gun around when you need one.

It's difficult to read and learn things when your head might implode.

On Monday, My in-laws came to visit. Until May. Yep. In-laws for six months. Fortunately they are pretty cool as far as in-laws go. I just need to remember that I can't roam around the house nekid. Well, I can, but, it gets awkward.

*****

I shot this guy at the Wild Animal Park last week. He doesn't usually lay around like this. The rock he's on sits at the top of their enclosure. He has a view of a huge section of the park. I am pretty sure he was watching the zebras. Or small kids, it was hard to tell.

And on a final note before I go find the ice pick, this site will be about art and or something interesting again, very soon. Really.

So It Begins...

I have all of my things at the gallery. At least everything I need to get by for a few months. When I told people I was going to live at the gallery they looked at me like I was joking, or insane. It's a fine line. It's not as bad as it seems. It was my choice, not that I had to do it, but I wanted to. It has everything an apartment has. Now it also has everything my studio had. It's perfect.

Anywho...This my 300th post. The start of our summer adventure.

It would be very easy to sink into a depression. Let my grief overwhelm me. Spend the next few months in misery. Well quite honestly that would make for a long ugly summer that I could do without.

I have an opportunity to paint for months undisturbed. I can focus all of my attention to my art and the gallery. I can face this adversity head on and grow. Become stronger.

Technology will allow me to talk with them and see them everyday. Southwest can allow me to be with them in a matter of hours.

In the blink of an eye this summer will be over. I will be in California. This will all be a distant memory. Move forward. One day, one week, one month.

I have more support than I could imagine. Family, friends, bloggers. Thank you all, it means a lot. Now if I could just fall asleep...

Up Late...

I didn't get much sleep last night. Or any. Precious has a migraine. Mr. Man has a fever again. I don't know what they got into but they've both been sick almost a month now. This stinks.

While I wasn't sitting up rubbing their heads, I was in the studio painting.

This one is still under construction. I have a frame already for this canvas. It has a violet suede liner. I'm liking it so far. I have already named a Chadette Violet so I need help with this one. I guess I could name another one Violet.

This is "Rosetta", 16 x 20 inches. Almost done.

Dunes No. 3, 24 x 36 inches. Formerly Untitled No. 8.

Untitled 16 x 20

Untitled 12 x 16

Untitled 16 x 20

"Dark Seas No. 2", 11 x 14. Formerly "Dark Seas No. 1"

On The Easel...4

Thank you Eclectic and Ms. Glaze for your name suggestions. I like them both and will be using them soon. I ended up calling the last painting "Christine". I'm going to leave it for now but reserve the right to change it later.

I started this painting tonight. It's the same model as the last. This was the first sitting. About two hours worth of work. It's 18 x 24 inches.


There is something about it I'm not liking. I can't put my finger on it. She looks alright but...
I don't know what it is. Even though, I'm not ready to paint over her just yet. I will most likely work through another session with it before I decide.

Of course this all could simply be the fact that I am STILL not sleeping. This could possibly be the longest run of insomnia I've ever had. I may never sleep again.

More Spare Time...

It's almost 1:30am and I'm still in the studio. Still not sleeping. What's worse is that now I'm not painting either.

The gallery has been keeping me busy with the new artists, doing all of our own framing and most of another galleries framing.

Mr. Man is getting to be more of a handful with each passing day. It's awesome how fast kids learn. When I'm not at the gallery I'm with him. Precious and I still trade off. It's just the two of us to run the gallery and care for Bug.

Now, as if that all weren't enough. I have agreed to take over for the gallery across the sky bridge. It's about fifteen feet from our gallery.

It's basically just a storage space with display for two other galleries in town. The owners would like to try and sell from this space but didn't really want to hire someone to work there.

The doors will stay closed. I'll have a key. If anyone wants to look around they just have to ask.
Just what I needed, right?

*****

Because I'm a Mole, I have made my first guest mole post at Taupes delires, Idol Worship.
I hope that it's worthy of Laurence and the Bee Happy tradition of excellence.

A Little Batty...

How many of you know this candy bar? It's the Twin Bing. One of the most fabulous candy bars ever made. I haven't seen them since I left the mid west 20 plus years ago. My dad is a huge fan of these as well and has talked about them for decades. I bought an entire box of them for him for Christmas. That's 144 candy bars. Ok I've eaten several of them already. He should end up with about a hundred of them. They are so good!

*****

I just downloaded the PhotoStamps application for Tiger. It lets me make postage stamps with my own photos. It works with iPhoto also, which is cool. So today I made a couple of sheets of stamps with Mr. Man's photo on them. Next will be my art work, art from the gallery, all kinds of crazy things.

*****

How many days can a person go with out a decent night sleep? I'm going on....three years now. I can't seem to get more that about three to five hours, and not even consecutive hours.

It's making me a little batty.

*****

Political Correctness is TOTALLY out of control. What the hell is wrong with people? Will no one be happy until everything is ruined for everyone else? When did everyone get so touchy and easily offended by absolutely everything?

I just read about Santa's not being allowed to say "Ho Ho Ho" because it may be degrading to women. What kind of person would be offended by Santa and his Ho Ho Ho? And is this the kind of person that anyone should be listening too?

Let me tell you. Crazy fucked up people and NO. They need a big heaping helping of STFU!

How about calling things the way the are? How about taking responsibility for our own actions? What if we stopped catering to the lowest common denominator of humanity?

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life America.

Playing With Fire...

After several weeks of the most beautiful fall weather, the rain has returned. I've been watching it out the window of my studio. Pacing back and forth. Sorting paintings, drawings and stacks of things from one pile to another.

I stood in front of my canvas for what I thought was a few minutes. It was an hour and a half.

More pacing. More sorting. I have been changing channels for I don't know how long. Still haven't seen anything for more than a few seconds. I'm not sure why I'm even doing it.

Precious and Mr. Man have been asleep for hours. Every now and then I sneak upstairs to kid myself I'm going to bed. I poke at the fire. Sparks dance and fade away. I stand over Mr. Man and stare. He talks in his sleep. My mind wanders into the future. His future. What will the world hold for him? I want to lock him inside and never let him go.

Insomnia makes my mind go. It wont shut off. More pacing. I think I'll go play with the fire.