I would never have imagined in a million years.
It was going to be 83 years. That's what we said. well we missed by 70.
There have been some tough times along with all the great ones. But even as difficult as things were, I would have never imagined that someday they would come to an end.
I knew something was up when she stopped wearing her wedding ring about a year ago.
We had some rough moments. We talked about counseling but never did anything about it. We stopped touching, then stopped sleeping together, or even in the same room.
After quite awhile of utter agony, last night I laid my heart and soul out for her. I told her how I feel and that I would never give up on her no matter what. She was the love of my life.
I was told that wasn't enough. She had our son to think about. Like that wasn't one of my concerns.
She said she wasn't going to change. It is was it is.
This morning while I sat at my desk, she came in and hugged me. Told me what a great guy I am and what a good father I am. Then kissed me on the side of the head.
And it dawned on me, that, it was the same thing she told her first husband, just a few days before she left him. Aside from the parent part.
She had given up on me and us, a long time ago. She's just been going through the motions for Mr. Man's sake. At 9 he's not quite old enough to understand what's happening.
But what's happening is that I have lost my Precious. She's not in love with me any more.
And as much as I wish I could, I know that you can't make someone love you when they don't. No matter how much I love her, it's not enough.
Now we try to figure out what happens and how we can keep from screwing up our kids head.
I will be completely and utterly lost with out my best friend, and I will die with out my son.
How do I move on from this?
04 September 2012
What if, the sky was green?
What if, ceremonies meant nothing?
What if, I hadn't come that night, would you have made the slices deeper?
What if, money grew on trees, would everything be cheaper?
What if, I had walked away when you were sad and had the blues?
What if, things had been reversed and I were in your shoes?
What if, you go ahead and something happens then?
What if, he thinks you're shallow and never speaks to you again?
What if, things hadn't gone the way they have? Would things be any better now, or would there be different excuses?
What if, people could be happy with what they have right now?
What if, you had something truly special, and you threw all it away...
Wondering, What if?
03 September 2012
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!