22 December 2009

Unaware Or Don't Care...

I try to be aware of the things I say to others, and the impact those words have. Especially when I'm saying things that might not be what they want to hear.

But what do you do when someone says things, and they seem to have no idea of what they've done.

They have broken your heart and made you question everything that you thought you knew about them, or about yourself. Then a day later everything is, as it was before. Or somewhat at least.

You think to yourself: Maybe they don't realize what they said or the impact it had. Or worse, they do realize what they've done and they don't care.

I've been trying to process everything, not necessarily by choice. I can't get it out of my head. Thinking about what was said and how it was meant. Thinking about the week that has followed and how those actions feed the things that were said in the years before. Confirming them in a way I had not seen before. Or had seen but been denying until confronted.

The things from the past make more sense in a way, and at the same time they have become more cruel than I had previously thought. I have all new doubts in my mind. All new fears.

I've never liked or been good at confrontation but I'm not sure I can let this go or stick it in the vault and try to forget. Somethings are too big to lock away.

Confrontation could and probably will make things worse, but if they're as bad as they seem they can't really get worse. Maybe not knowing for sure is worse than clearing the air.

I guess it is possible that I have misunderstood and am way off base. I don't think so, but I have to keep it as at least one of the possibilities because at this point it's the only positive, and I need at least one positive in this scenario.

Anyway I look at it, I'm confused.

15 December 2009


Pain is a funny thing. I've experienced a lot of it my life. Been cut and stabbed, burned, had bones broken, eyes poked, had friends killed and loved ones lost, even been hit by a car. Some of these things left scars that will last forever, but the pain I felt at the time was fleeting and faded.

Of all of the things that have hurt me, it was a few simple words that caused the most pain. It was the pain of those words that has lasted the longest. Time does not heal all wounds.

Sometimes it's something simple and silly that brings those pains back.

Sometimes you get a reminder, that every thing you thought you were...you're not. Every thing you thought you had done...you didn't. Every thing you thought you had...you don't. Sometimes every thing you thought was real, is an illusion. It was only real in your head.

It's a rude awakening to find that you have been kidding yourself. It's a harsh reality to be reminded that even the simplest of mistakes, that took only a few moments if your life time and seemed innocent at the time, will haunt you. Some sins and crimes you pay for, for the rest of your life. No matter how much you've payed your debt, you can never pay it back.

Somethings lost, are lost forever and no amount of searching can find them again.

Even if people can forgive, they wont ever really forget. And as long as they remember, you're never really truly forgiven.

11 December 2009

A Little Slice Of Alright...

It's midnight am I'm just getting home. Everyone is in bed sound asleep. It's a drag coming home with out being able to talk to Mr. Man or give Precious a kiss and hug, then talk about our day.

But for the first time in way to long, I'm coming home in a good mood. I'm happy and feeling good about life for the first time in a long while.

I started a new job last week. A second new job. I've gone back to cooking. I still have the first new job which I despise. Every day I'm there, a little more of me dies. It's a marketing company. Phone sales. Just thinking about it makes me cringe.

When I left the "dream job" I didn't really have the option of waiting for another dream. I needed an income so I took the marketing gig. It was a check with benefits.

Last week I was offered a job I applied for a month ago. Cooking. It's a nice place with a decent menu and a good crew. It pays better than most kitchens and best of all, I like it.

Last week they had me coming in at 9am banging out prep for the line guys at night. I did a good enough job that they wanted me on the line. Tonight was my first night shift. I like nights and it pays more.

The marketing job started at 6am. I am not a morning person. The night shift at the restaurant starts at 3pm. Much better. I get to spend my mornings with Mr. Man, take him to school, spend a couple hours doing what ever, then go to work. I've been trying to do them both but I don't see that happening for much longer.

I had a good time time tonight. It's a little hectic learning all of the plates and presentations but it was fun and I only screwed up a couple of things. I managed to sear the tips of three fingers, laid my thumb on the grill and burned the back of my hand. I love to cook.

Tomorrow I work the grill, mostly solo. Saturday I'm doing a special catering gig for our chef, off site with a couple of the servers. Should be a hoot.

On top of all of this our housing limbo has come to an end. Sort of. We have until the 18th of January to find a new place to live and move. Oh goody! Like we didn't have enough to worry about.

Why does all the shit hit the fan at the same time? I guess that way there is only one mess to clean up instead of spreading it out over time. Or I at least I hope.

I started packing up the studio today as well as a few things I haven't used in awhile. Time for a big yard sale.

We put up our Christmas tree a couple of days ago. It seemed strange knowing we would just have to take it down in a few weeks. The holidays always manage to bring havoc to my life.

I don't care this year. I'm taking it all with a smile. Tomorrow Mr. Man and I are house hunting in the morning. I'm listening to Christmas songs on the jazz station in my car. I'm thinking of friends I haven't seen for ages but am planning to.

I'm sure the future will have a few more nut shots in store for me, but I think I'm ready. I'm wearing a cup, have plenty of burn cream and carrying big sharp knives.

For tonight, for the first time in some time, it's all good.


Oh yea! Last weekend Mr. Man had his first Karate tournament and did AWESOME!

27 November 2009

Shameless Self Promotion...2009

I struggle with whether or not to post things, like the thing I'm about to post.

Hopefully anyone that reads this, or has read it in the past will already know that I would never imply that you should or ask any of you to buy my work. If you've been around long, I've probably given you one or more of them.

I feel better that way. Really.

However since the rest of the world could possibly see this (it could happen), I'm going to do it.

To the rest of the world; Until I get to know you better and give you things, I would very much appreciate it, if you bought them. At least one. Part of it goes to charity and the rest goes to Mr. Mans college fund.
Thank you very much.

So, with out further ado: *insert trumpets and things here, it's up to you what sound you here*

*Our first annual (maybe) Black Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Sale*

I warn you now, that next week when I mention this again I will most likely say that, "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

As always, I love to hear from you and get your opinions about any and all of it. I take it all in and think about it and then do what I want any way. After all, art is personal.

Which ones do you like? Which ones do you hate?

Which ones do you think are well done, and which are complete crap?

(oh I know, there are several that are complete crap, it's all personal and believe it or not, everything I still have has been admired and liked by someone at some point or I would have painted over it by now.)

Which ones could you live with?(not just mine, but any artists work you could live with) And Why?

Who thinks I should give up painting and start playing Darts professionally?

What ever....It's all good.

08 November 2009

Opinions Please...

I normally don't put anything with my actual identity on this site. Mainly trying to keep this site from getting me fired or sued. But since my professional life has been adjusted, I can't really see what harm it's going to do to introduce one to the other. At least at this point.

No doubt I will come to regret that last statement but here goes anywho...

I have revamped my website and added a lot of new, and old works. Now I would like a few opinions.

Please take a look and let me know what you think. Good or bad. It all helps.


05 November 2009

First Thursday...

Laguna Beach has a "First Thursday" art walk every month.

This month I am doing a "Pop Up" event with Arin Contemporary Art. I brought my entire studio.
Sort of a what's it worth to you sale.

About 100 paintings, just to introduce my work to Laguna. We'll see how it goes. I might even take some photos if anything manages to sell. If it doesn't, then all of my work gets a field trip and we try to do another Pop Up some place different next month.

30 October 2009

Wake Up...

...The "Dream Job"...is over. 2009 is officially the worst, year, ever!

29 October 2009

Martini Time...

Here are the newest works for EVOO Cooking School in Cannon Beach.

I'm working on several more. They should have been done about a month ago...
Hopefully, better a little late, than really late.

21 October 2009

Still Working On Sall...

Remember this? "Long Tall Sall..."

I don't really either. I mean, I don't really remember when I actually started this. Sometime earlier this year...

Well anywho...

this is what she looks like this week. this morning around 1:30 am she asked me to do something to her. She didn't care what, just something. A woman can only be neglected for so long.

Before you ask your self, "What is that in the back ground?"

It's a circa 1950's porcelain sink with rusting iron pipes and a gold and purple diamond pattern on the wall.

The wall is going to get changed to metallic silver and purple diamonds and I'm thinking about putting a silver metal trash can behind her right leg, to about the knee height. As well as a towel hanging behind her left arm or over the edge of the sink. Then fix her left arm and right hand.

16 October 2009

The Road To Hell...

...they say, is paved with good intentions.

Does that necessarily mean that all good intentions are bad?

There are many things that I have intended. A few went just as planned. While the rest, not so much.

Many of my intentions have become epic failures. Did I learn from them? Sure. Did I learn enough that I wont fail again? No.

It's said that we learn more from failure than success. So what am I learning?

I had intended to be a painter. I had intended to be living in Europe. I had intended for our business to flourish. I had intended to be a stay at home parent and not have to pay someone else to raise our child while we were slaves to the man. I had intended to live my life much differently than I have.

Is it just me or has it gotten much much warmer?

Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased with my life for the most part. It's just different than I had dreamed. I guess most dreams are quite different than the reality that follows. We spend our time working and planning and following those dreams and one day you find out that "our dreams" are not ours, they're mine.

It's still sinking in. Another epic failure on my part. Another intention gone wrong. I have been looking forward to something I thought we shared, only to find out that we don't. It's deflating.

I feel like I have failed them in the worst way. How did I miss that? My single mindedness has let them down. My focus was misguided. My judgment skewed.

Half of you lives in a fantasy world and dreams as big as possible, while the other half is just trying to get through each day without being crushed by the pressure of modern slavery.

How do those halves reconcile with one another? How do you compromise with out giving up who you are or what you want? What does it take to even understand the other half without seeming selfish? At what point do our dreams need to be altered or just given up?

Let Me Clear This Up...

There seems to be some confusion about this, so let me be perfectly clear:

Art Is Not Life Or Death!

It's important, yes. But not worth freaking out over or being a complete jackass. Like it or not. Buy it or not. Create it or not. Just keep it in perspective.

Oh ya, and get off my ass!

13 October 2009

Oh Happy Day...Or At Least They Will Be Next Year

Visit the Impossible Project Website
14.10.2009 / Vienna
Dear Supporter of The Impossible Project,

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04 October 2009

Not Amused...

So, Cat has been with us for about three and a half months now. For most of that time my role has been administering a variety of medicines and various things that tend to piss off animals as well as tracking him down after he's escaped.

He really hasn't warmed up to me, but I can't say as I blame him. What's funny is that he will follow me around the house. Late at night after all have gone to bed and I stay up late to paint, Cat will follow me every where I go. He doesn't want to be interacted with, he just wants to follow me. And watch.

But I have a tendency to do things like this.

He sat there for quite a while just staring at the little dog. He would look at the dog, then look at me and then back to the dog. As if asking me what he was supposed to with this thing. Totally unimpressed. Eventually, he slowly pushed it off of the counter on to the floor. I swear he smiled at me afterward.

24 September 2009

Overheard In Our Living Room....

What was that noise? Something hit the floor.

It was just an eyeball falling off of the body hanging in the closet.

Oh. That was a funny sound. It scared the cat.

20 September 2009

The First Portrait Of 2009...

I (think) this one is finished. I did put my name on it already. Although now that I see it in the photo, there are a few areas that I might touch up. The next phase will be the varnishes and the cracking.

This new step in my work will prove to be a challenge for me. I'm impatient. No, really, it's true. The challenge is that varnish, can not be rushed. The brand I use at this point recommends that the work be "dry" for at least six months before applying. Six months.

On the up side of this, I have a bout forty works still in the studio that have been dries for a year or more. Let the cracking begin.

Although I was informed by Precious that I am not to crack a few certain works. Good thing she spoke up when she did.

I still need a name for this one too. So if anyone has a suggestion...speak up.

12 September 2009

I Love Blues...

I can't believe I forgot this one. It was hung on the wall to dry between layers and...well, it's here now. I really like this one so far. Actually it might be done, after I crack it.

I like a da crack. No?

2 am has always been good to me.

Eiffel Blues, 12 x 16 inches in oil.

That Felt Good...

It has been almost ten months to the day since I have painted. WTH? I had to search my records and photos to double check. Surely it had only been a few months at the most. (and don't call me Shirley)

Sadly it was true. That's the longest I've gone in more than a decade. It disturbs me that my life has gotten so far from my ideal comfort zone.

So, I put Mr. Man to bed at 8:30. Around 9:30 I go back down stairs to find our screen door open. Cat has now figured out how to open all but the front door to our house. Great!

I spend the next hour searching the neighborhood. Got stopped by a cop. Spot lights that could melt a retina, right in face. My Mag Light suddenly feels inadequate. He stopped to question me.

Some body acting suspicious in the area with a big flash light, peeking under cars and in yards.

If I see them I'll let you know.

Go figure. He meant me.

Ya, so I'm finally in the studio, can't sleep, a bit wound up after tracking down the cat. I have a few old works I haven't shown. I have been wanting to 'crack' (artificial aging) them for some time now. So tonight I did. The fruit and a couple of my girls. I love it!

The aging varnish goes first. A hour or two of drying time. But not too much or it wont work. Then the cracking varnish. It takes an hour or two as well. If it doesn't crack before it's completely dry you can use a hair dryer to help it out. But only before it's completely dry, or it wont work. The cracks will vary. I was very pleased with the fruit. So they were right for the most part.

In between drying times I worked on this little seascape for a warm up. 'Storm over Red Sands', 16 x 20.

There are seven other canvases that I am priming with background color. Part of an ongoing Martini theme for EVOO Cooking School in Cannon Beach Or. Great place.

Here are the two girls. Well not the whole girls. Details. I loved her neck in this first one.

I really like the way this one looks. It has some writing on the left side of the canvas. I like her better with out it so I'm either going to paint over it or cut it off and re-stretch.

And just for fun, a brick wall that I will use as a back drop for something else. Maybe one of my apocalyptic works I've been working on.

Wow. That felt good. Ten friggin months. Baby, that is too long. (insert your own joke here)

28 August 2009

Ready Or Not...

Yesterday was our first day of Kindergarten.

How, when, who...

Our Mr. Man can not possibly be old enough for school. I'm not ready for this.

Of course he took it all in stride. Barely a moment of apprehension. Turns out I was making him nervous all week with the constant questions. "Are you excited?", "Are you ready?", "Can we practice your writing and reading again?"

Daaaaaaad! Can we stop now? Let's play something. I'll be fine.

But you...but, but...

I'm ready already.

And he was. We took a few packs of glue sticks for the class. It was the only thing I could remember from the 'needs' list. Mr. Man handed them to his new teacher and told her, "You can keep these. My dad said we have more for home." as he wandered off to find a tiny chair.

He sat between two other boys. On his right was the class crier. On the left...(I'm sure he's a nice kid, but his parents had shaved his head. Who shaves a 5 year olds head?)was the kid totally opposite from crier. Out going and excited.

Mr. Man looked at the crier, looked up at me with a look of "WTH?" and then to Buzz. Buzz looked at Mr. Man and said,"Hey, do you want to play with these blocks?

"Sure, that'd be great.

"Ya. We should be friends."

"Ok. Let's play."

And that was that. The pure simplicity of childhood. It was beautiful. Except for the crier. He just would not stop. I sort of felt bad, but you have to learn to face the world or those other kids will eat him alive. Kids can be brutal.

I was one the last parents to leave after drop off. I wanted to make sure everything was alright and check out the other kids. I wanted to check out the other parents and see how they handled it all.

Other people frighten me. That's all I gong to say for now. They frighten me.

The very worst part of watching my son grow up, is knowing that one day, that pure simplicity that can and should make childhood the most wonderful place in the world, will be gone. Eventually, he will forget those simple pleasures and be like most all of us. That I find painful and very sad. I hate that I even think about such things.

I should just let it all be and encourage him to be a kid, and enjoy all of those simple things, as best he can, for as long as he can. I will remember his childhood forever, even if he doesn't. And I have pictures.

It just pisses me off feeling like this. It totally justifies a lot of what my mother does. I can just hear her voice, " You just wait..."

I hate it when she's right.

Not, ready.

22 August 2009

Dear Apple,


I wanted you to know, I love almost everything you do. I am a huge fan of the machines, gadgets, browsers and everything else you do and have done. And I very much appreciate the six months of free service with Mobileme.

However, Mobileme is still one giant pile of steamy crap!

Mobileme has NEVER worked the way we were told it would. There are CONSTANT disruptions to service, it is down more than a two dollar whore and I am forever getting error messages for absolutely everything I need to do, not to mention how often I am just disconnected for no reason what so ever.

Even though the error messages say that a copy has been save to drafts or where ever it should be saved, do know what? IT NEVER SAVES SHIT!

Please, Steve, have at least one of your minions spend some time working on the numerous bugs and glitches that Mobileme still has. Or at least put dot mac back on line. In all the years I used dot mac, I never had a problem. EVER.

The few bells and whistles that mobileme has that do work are not enough to make up for the amount that still doesn't, and hasn't ever worked.

Steve, you're better than this. And quite frankly, I expect more from you. If this was MS, I would take it in stride because we expect MS to suck. But you're Apple baby. Please, do something.


A once satisfied, growing ever pissed off customer.

10 August 2009

Story Time...

It has been brought to my attention that my posting has slowed. Thank you Christine, I'm alright.
So to speak.

Let me share a story.

A piece of paper is relatively strong and equally as fragile. It can be used over and over if it's cared for. Use a soft pencil to write and it can be erased and written on again and again before it wears out. You can fill the paper with everything important.

The paper can be used for a variety of other things besides writing and drawing, such as wrapping for other objects. It can be wadded up and used for padding or filler. You can fold it to make shapes or objects. Of course if you wad or fold, the paper will never fully recover. The wrinkles and folds will always be a part of the paper from that point on. Some will fade over time, but they're still there.

Some times the paper gets torn. You can leave the tear and work around it. You can continue the tear until you have two pieces of paper. You can tape it back together.

If you tape the paper, it can be stronger and last longer than the original paper. Of course it will never be the same. You will have to use something a little more permanent it you want to write over the tape and you might never get the writing or tape off again.

At times there are many other people that all want a piece of your paper. They get grabby and pieces of your paper might get torn off. Sometimes, you can get those pieces back. Other times, they will be lost forever. Your paper will never be quite whole again.

You can even burn your paper to provide heat or light. All be it fleeting as your paper will burn and disappear quickly. You can even use to ash to draw decorate or even fertilize or compost.

Functional but not the best use of your paper.

The only way to keep the paper safe is to file it away someplace where it will never be used. No writing drawing folding wadding ripping tearing taping losing fading ever.


But then you have taken away every thing the paper was supposed to be. It will never see it's potential. Never see joy sorrow pain pleasure love hate ugly beauty ever.


If you can remember what's important, and care for your paper, be firmly gentle, your paper will bring years of pleasure and fond memories until it's recycled and used again or returned to the earth to feed a future piece of paper.

Unless it's just dumped in the trash and wasted.

11 July 2009

Monsters, Love Sleep Overs...

Tonight was our first sleep over. Mr. Man had a friend over late in the day, and in the midst of playing, they asked if Friend could stay the night.

Now the only thing wilder than a sugared up five year old boy is the addition of a sugared up six year old boy.

After a couple of strange glances at one another and a, "It's alright with me, if it's alright with you?" We agreed.

So we called Friends mom to make sure she was alright. She was extremely nervous. Much more so than Friend.

We let them play and stay up late. I started off being the strict Dad and tried to reel them in a bit. I was quickly reminded that they are small boys having fun. No harm. Yet. With in minutes Mr. Man was crying. They were rough housing on the bed and some one hit their head on the solid wood head board.

No blood, no dents, no blurry vision, everything's good. Carry on.

Then the girls from across the street decided to drop in. Kid count: 1 - 6 year old boy, 1 - 5 year old boy, 1 - 5 year old girl, 1 - 4 year old girl. We are officially suburban parents. How the Hell did this happen?

That's right. Sheer disaster waiting to happen. With in a few more minutes the 4 year old girl was crying and wanting to go home. Fine with me. They are kind of little Princesses. Back to two boys.

Then we end up with Friends dog as well. It was across the street, some one's gone, long story short, we now have the dog too.

Well the new dog is terrified of our cat Fat Louie, which we now call "Cat", an other story.

With in a few minutes Friends dog has taken a leak on the bath room floor while the boys are taking a bath. Great.

Friends mom realizes that now she is missing her son and her dog, calls us to see if she can at least have her dog back for the night. After the wizz, you bet. The sooner the better.

A couple hours after bed time, around 11:30, Friend wakes up and wants him mommy. We try to distract him with a movie and some laughs. He falls asleep on the sofa, rolls over and lands on the tile floor. Now he really wants his mommy. We do a group hug thing and some more laughing and diversion, but Friend has had enough. He wants to call home.

We did. Friends mom didn't even hesitate to say, "I'm on my way". She only lives two block away. I swear she was here in about 45 seconds.

Honestly I felt bad. I was wondering what we did wrong. Then I remembered my first sleep over. It was a frightening thought to be away from your family for the first time. I don't think I made it all the way through.

So in the morning I will try to explain to Mr. Man why his Friend is gone.

Monsters, of course.

30 June 2009

The Studio Plunder...A History, Part Eleven...Fini

I will apologize in advance, this is going to be a long one. But its also the last of the studio plunder. In no particular order.

It was toward the end of 2003 that we found that we were about to become parents. I will never forget how fast that stick turned blue. All three times.

A few days later, after I regained feeling in my limbs and started to think about it, I became fascinated with all things tiny. Having always been big, small was something new to me. All of my work for the next year became small. Tiny. Miniature.

My work had become an exploration in mini. The largest of the works was about 4 x 6 inches, which felt too large for them at the time. Most of them were about 1 x 2 to 2 x 3 inches. I explored all kinds of subjects. A few in color, most in pen and ink.

I still produce a mini now and then, just cuz. You can make minis any where. On the backs of business cards is one of my favorite places.

This was my sisters pet pig, Bacon Bits

A Giant Lamp Post

A crowd of people on the Champs Elysee.

A doodle page, 4 x 6 inches


A bridge ornament in Paris.

The space Needle, Seattle.

This is supposed to be water lilies at Giverny, France.

A park in London. We watched this guy feed squirrels for hours.


Notre Dame

The Parthenon, Rome.

A church in Paris.

Piazza del Popolo, Rome

Where the Turf meets the Surf, at old Del Mar.

Bacon Bits



One of my old apartments in Ocean Beach.

A lawn chair

The Hotel Del Coronado

The Gaslamp Quarter, San Diego

Sacre Coeur, Paris

Moulin de Galette

Moulin Rouge

Space and time

Notre Dame

Eiffel Tower

Cafe de Paris


Girls in bikinis and heels

Three day old Mr. Man

One of my Sorrow series.

Precious and I in Amsterdam. You can't see it but we were standing in giant wooden shoes and holding bags of cheese.

And thus concludes the Studio plunder series of 2009. We'll see how things go after we move and I find a new studio space.