How An Hour A Day, Changed My Life.

I started helping at Mr. Mans school this year. I helped last year too but it was very hit and miss and the teacher always sent me to the office to staple things and sharpen pencils. I never helped in the class.

This year I started helping with a reading program for second graders. I started off by going in for an hour, one day a week. Very soon it became two or three days a week. Then I was going in everyday, five days a week. Now I'm up to five days a week with two extra hour on Wednesdays as well.

I can't begin to tell you how those little creatures have changed me. I will never be able to give them as much as they give me.

The irony of this, is that they break my heart. OK not all of them. It's just a few that break my heart.

Everyday I get told by these kids, about brothers and sisters that beat them. Parents that are in jail. Families that consist of gang bangers, drug dealers, general dead beats, and all the joys of living near a military base. Single parents, abusive parents, or no parents at all.

One of the boys came in last week with gang graffiti all over his arms. Drawn in large Sharpie marker so it wouldn't come off. When I asked about it, he smiled and told me that his older brother did it to him. The boy fell asleep on the sofa and his brother tagged him. Today that same boy told me about "getting" to go to court yesterday because both of his parents are facing drug and gang charges. He smiled and told me he missed reading class but was glad to be back today. He asked how my weekend was. Every week this boy tells me about his mom letting him watch movies like "The Saw", "Chuckie", "Halloween", and the nightmares that follow. He's 7. But every day he has the biggest smile on his face. Even when he tells me about him mother teaching him how to tag things and not get caught, he's so proud of her. You can see and hear the love he has for his family.

Yesterday a little girl came up and took my hand. She wanted me to walk with her to her next class. She says, "Mr. William, would you like to hear something sad?" Not really I told her. I don't care for sad stories. They're sad.
"It's not all sad." she tells me. Her father had to go away until next spring, but when he comes home she said they will do what ever she wants to do. That sounds like a good deal I told her. I asked if her dad was in the military or if he was shipped away.
She said,"Oh no Mr. William, Daddy went to jail. He can't stop the drugs." She smiled and gave me a big hug. Said "See you tomorrow!" and skipped away to her class.

Almost everyday I leave school fighting back tears. Today as I rode my bike home I almost crashed  because I was could see straight. Tears pouring out of me.

They are all such happy little buggers. No matter what horrors they are going through at home. Everyday they greet me with a warm smiles, hugs and high fives. So pleased to see me. When I'm not there they all ask about me and want to know why I had missed school.

Today they had a substitute. When I told them that I couldn't stay because they schedule had changed, they gave a collective sigh of sadness and begged me to stay. "Why can't you stay instead of the sub?" They asked. In front of the sub. I felt bad for her. I told them, "Ms. L will be great fun  today, just be good and listen close. I'll be back tomorrow." Half of them rushed me for hugs and high fives.

Some of them, I just want to take home with me and tell them that they will never have to live with those things again. I want to wrap my arms around them and save them from their own families. But I can't. As much as want to save them...I can't. I get one hour a day. Two and a half on Wednesdays.

I worry about them. I think about them. Even though I'm not religious, I pray for them, just in case I'm wrong.

I know I can't save them, but every day I can give them an hour. It can be one of the most difficult hours of every day. But it's usually one of the most rewarding as well. And I wouldn't give it up.

I really hope they can get back even a little of what they give me.

Solid...

“Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.”

― C. S. Lewis

If...

“If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me.”

― W.H. Auden

Affection Vs. Admiration...

The need for affection is not bad, but the need for admiration creates problems. We all need affection from God, affection from our dear ones. It is the mutual giving of affection that keeps us alive. Without the mother's affection, it is impossible for us to live. But without admiration, easily we can live. The absence of affection from our dear ones is simply death. But if somebody does not admire us, no harm. Affection is in the same category as love. But admiration is totally different. When we are admired, the ego can come to the fore and destroy us. But when we are shown affection and loved, at that time our divine qualities increase. So when you get affection and love, you don't have to worry. But when you get admiration, you have to be careful.

Sri Chinmoy:

Bitterness...

‎"BITTERNESS IS THE ENEMY OF LOVE BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU UNFORGIVING AND UNWILLING TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY..... 

IT IS THE ENEMY OF HOPE BECAUSE YOU KEEP LIVING IN THE PAST AND BECOME INCAPABLE OF SEEING A BETTER FUTURE......

IT IS THE ENEMY OF FAITH BECAUSE YOU STOP TRUSTING IN ANYONE BUT YOURSELF........ IF YOU ARE NOT CAREFUL, YOU WILL LOSE THE ABILITY TO SEE SUCH THINGS AS BEAUTY, TRUTH, OR EVEN AFFECTION.... 

AND YOU MAY CLOSE YOUR EYES TO WHAT YOUR SOUL NEEDS YOU TO SEE MOST..... "

Moments Of Magic...

Summers never last long enough. I try to remember the joy of summers. No school, few responsibilities, almost nonstop recess. Life was endless and infinite.

With age comes the weight of the world. Commitments we have no control over. Dramas and traumas are thrown at us daily. We often forget how to fly. To let go and just be. 

To look down on ourselves and observe. Is that how we really look? Is that how we really act? Are those the people and things around us that really matter? If only we had the instant replay or the do over. How wonderful would things be?

We are left to wonder what if. If only. What then. 

I try to find moments. Where a simple act, caught in the moment, can mean everything. Those are the times I try to lock away in the depths of my mind to remember. To cherish in the times when there seems to be no hope or laughter left in the world.

At any given moment, the most wonderful things in the world can happen. When the universe is doing it's best to break you. When you can't see beyond the fog. You have those perfect moments in your mind. When life was grand. There is no need to remember anything else. You know in your mind that life can be magical and that it was once. And it can be again.

Five...

Hard to believe that MW has been up for five years now. The more my life changes the more it stays the same.

I've been trying to re-programme my life, trying to find a better way. A better way to live my life, a better way to think and get things done. Re-programming is difficult.

Most people will tell you that they welcome change. That they want change in their lives or in the world. However, when it comes right down to it, they really fight tooth and nail against change of any kind.

Change is frightening. You have to welcome the unknown. You have to take chances. You have to gamble on yourself. You have to be honest and open with yourself in order to change in any way.

Therein lies the difficulty in really changing anything. People don't want to look at themselves honestly or openly. It's easier to live in our perceived reality and lie to ourselves that everything is either, going well or it's about to get better.

If things were going well, they wouldn't need to think or talk about changing. If you're unwilling to be honest and open, it's not going to get better. Ever. You can't fix a problem with the same thinking that caused it.

I wonder how long it will take me to really implement change in my life. I wonder what I'm not being honest about with myself. I try not to complain about my life. I'm the one that brought me to this place. It has been my doing. I worked hard to get where I am, where ever that may be.

What I know is that everything is not alright. It's not horrible, but it can be a great deal better. What that better may be will be different for everyone. I know that it wont change unless I sacrifice a few things. A few beliefs, a few habits, the time it takes to journey down another path. An untraveled path. The herd will wander aimlessly, all believing that they must being doing the right thing because everyone is doing it. That in itself, is enough for me to break away from the herd. No matter what the herd says about my choice of path, I know my life will only improve by doing my own thing. Making my own decisions. And following my own path. Even if there is no clear path to follow.



My life is up to me. The past five years have taught me many things. Brought many pains and even more joys. No matter what becomes of Mad William, we look forward to the next five years and the path less traveled.

Re-Programming...

Through out my adult and professional life, I have had great success. I have also had equally great failure.

I had always thought that I was learning something about each failure. I would write about it. I would proclaim that I had learned my lessons and I would move on, only to make the same mistakes again which lead to more failure.

Each time I would blame someone else. It was never my fault. Someone else always screwed me over. It was someone else that lied, or cheated, or took advantage of my good nature.

What I have recently realized is that in all of my life. In all of my failures, there has been only one common denominator.

ME!

Looking back, it was me, each time. I made the same mistakes expecting a different outcome each time. Then when things fell apart, I would blame those around me. It wasn't my fault. I did everything right. Well, not quite everything.

I had been programmed to fail. By my parents, By my schools, By my bosses. Because they had been programmed to fail. We have all been programmed to fail in the end.

95% of Americans will never be able to retire. We spend our lives, 40, 50 years or more working our asses off, making someone else very rich. And we end up with an average of $775 a month in Social Security. Failure!

Corporate America doesn't want people that lead. They want people who will follow direction no matter what. Stay in line and hope for the best. Never questioning why.

Well, I've never been good at staying in line, or keeping my questions to myself, or following blindly to my death. From now on, I make my own rules. My success, or failure, is up to me. I decide. I am going to be one of the 5% that get to do what I want, when I want.

The re-programming has begun.

Bad Habits...Recognize...Eliminate...Move On...

There are times when I look back on behavior, attitude, direction, focus, discipline... And I wonder to myself, "Self, WTF are you doing?" You are lying in the road being trampled by the world as it goes past, staring and pointing. Telling their offspring to look and remember, don't every be like that guy. Snicker snicker.

Sometimes we (I) fall of the Man Wagon. Sometimes we(I) need a good kick in the pants. As we(I) all do. It's the bad habits that bring us(Me) down. No matter what we're doing, no matter how well things are, bad habits are going to screw things up eventually. OK fine. Just learn from the experience. Some of us can learn our lesson the first time around. Others, (me) need to be taught a lesson a couple times. Or a few times. But eventually, we(I) get it and move on. Moving On!

Caution: Words May Be Slippery When Wet...

It was a lovely night. Small fire illuminating the room. They're snuggled together on the floor.

"Close your eyes." he says, "I have something for you."

She closes her eyes. He slides dangly earrings through her lobes and places a matching chain  around her neck.

They kiss and embrace. He softly says, "It's not much, but you're worth it."


......?

Divisions Of Time...

I have been pondering a New Year's post for about two weeks now. I have even written several of them.

I have been trying to sum up the past year. Basically, it blew large chunks. Which is what made me think about the last few years. All of which have really stunk up the charts.

This past 12 month period for example was complete with talk of separation and divorce. Child custody. Unemployed with out unemployment. Massive amounts of car repairs. Death. And various forms of personal and professional failure.

I mean, what's not to like.

But we're going to change a few things. Last year also brought us a new puppy. It brought me several new opportunities. It has brought new understanding of myself, of Precious and...well...

Anywho. Why do we need to break things up into year terms? Why 12 months? Why do they start in the middle of winter? Why not March 21st? Why not from leap year to leap year?

I'm tired of tracking my life in year long clumps. Life is too short for that. From now on I track my life from moment to moment. Each failure, the opportunity to learn and grow. Each success is one step closer to all of us being happy(er). A life of harmony. That's what I really want. Harmony. I'm not sure what I even mean by that, but that's what I want.

Begin small. You can't change everything at once. It's destined for failure and you'll go right back to old habits. No sir. Each day from the moment of consciousness, I greet the day with a smile. Even if it's forced. A pleasant morning together, breakfast, music and a laugh or two.

Mornings are our time together. Every morning is ours to determine what kind of day we begin.
I am choosing to begin them we joy.

As I head out into the world I try to keep that with me. Each situations outcome is largely up to me. I have always been told that I bring things on myself. Well then, it's time to bring on something better.

Each moment is mine. To do with, what I will.

So no matter how you divide your time, your moments are yours. Use them wisely.

Purple...

...is the color of courage. The Purple Belt symbolizes that a student has started to unite mind, body and spirit.

For all of the work, I am not feeling very united.

A Taste Of Things To Come...

Picture something you remember fondly. Or even something that was horrid. A smell, a taste, the combination of the two.

How many of you can actually taste it with nothing more than the thought? That bite it had on your tongue. The slight sting in your nose. The thought alone is enough for most. Some of you need to smell it first and then you can taste it.

The aroma of a freshly bathed baby. Roses. Fresh cut grass. Bread baking. That spot at the base of your lovers neck. The thought can bring back the scents.

What if all you had was the memory of those things? What of those scents and tastes no longer existed? What if your next inhale of aroma was your last? Your last bite of chocolate was the last piece?......

Lessons In Parenting And Karate...

In order for the kids to advance in their belt ranks, they need to bring home a letter for parents and teachers to sign. Saying that the students are behaving at home and acting the way they are wanted too.

This week Mr. Man brought home a letter for his Orange Belt Test.

He's a great kid outside of the house. When home...he dawdles. He back talks now and then. He moves at his own pace no matter what. Nothing major but there is room for improvement. We want him to realize that.

Last night at his lessons I mentioned these things to his Sensei and suggested that he wait until next month for his test.

I thought that would be it.

As I watched, I realized that Sensei was taking this much more seriously that I had imagined. I thought they would just make him wait. Not only are they making him wait, but they took his Yellow belt away from him.

Mr. Man took it way better than I did. I wanted to cry. I felt so bad I couldn't look him in the eye. I had no idea they would do that. I thought once they earned their belts they had them forever. Or until they earned the next one.

Wrong!

Now he has to earn his yellow belt back before he can test for orange. I have been feeling bad enough as it was. Now I feel like a complete tosser.

Why is it the lessons we try to teach our kids, are harder on the parents? I feel like I'm the one being punished.

So Far...

One of the greatest obstacles I face as an artist, is knowing when to quit. Actually, it's not just with my art. I have the same issue with everyday life. I never quite know when to stop.

I do know that trying to over analyze things only makes them worse. My instincts are fairly good and following my heart has taken me on an unforgettable journey. I regret none of it.

So why change things when a few minor adjustments would do the trick? Simple is almost always better.

What to do with paintings that just don't sell? Often I paint over them and create something new. This time I decided to be a little less dramatic and a bit more cosmetic. Maybe they could just be re-worked.

I picked out six works that have been collecting dust and gave them a little something extra.

Here are two of them at the, "so far" stage. So far, so good.

Before

After

Before

After

This is just fun with scotch tape. The first four strips are on my face. I eventually had eleven. Sorry, no photo of that. Mr. Man was beginning to freak out and ran to hide.

Always remember and never forget: Love only works if you give it away. So spread the love.

There's A Little Green Man In My Head...

It recently occurred to me that we may never know if things are fixed. Maybe somethings can't really be fixed. They get stuck back together and you just hope for the best. Once broken things are weaker and more vulnerable. When can I relax? Ever? Or do I always need to be proving myself. I mean, more than I try to do normally.

A few months ago, she gave her wedding ring back. Said, "You should put this some place safe. It doesn't feel right to wear it."

So what do I do with it? Keep it? Until when? Am I supposed to give it, or offer it back at some point? Am I to replace it with a new one? Maybe she is supposed to ask for it back. How long should I wait? Should I give it back or say no? Should I stop wearing my ring? Mine still feels right. Should it not? I'm confused.

I'm also alone for the next seven days which isn't helping. Precious and Mr. Man are on their way to the middle of Nowhere Nebraska. They left on Father's Day. I never thought to ask if she intended to come back. Could be why I haven't heard from them. Or it's more likely that there is no service provider for her phone in Nowhere, and she hasn't thought about asking to use some one else's.

Our house is so amazingly quiet without them. I don't like it at all. The dog and cat keep looking at me, all accusatory, like it's my fault they aren't here. None of us can sleep. I hate sleeping alone. Too much bed, not enough naked skin.

Being back in La Jolla has been like stepping back in time, only in an alternate universe. So much is frighteningly the same. Some things have changed completely. I feel like someone has altered our reality and I'm the only one that's noticed. Where's The Doctor when I need him?

Bold Moves...

1:45 am, still in the studio. Sleep...a lovely thought I keep as close to the edge of my mind as I can without it slipping away for good. Too many other things crowding to the front. Too many distractions. Caught in a whirlwind...

now usually I would have gone with a water reference right there; tidal wave, tsunami, flood, lost at sea, where I used "whirlwind". I'm much more of a water person and I just used an air reference. I wonder what that means...


Where was I? Distractions. No. Bold! Ya that's it...

So, another Chadette. 10 x 30 inches, un-named as of yet. Possibly not finished.



Bold? This is the first time I can remember consciously willing to risk the destruction of a painting to take it in another direction. I'm a little more cautious with my painting than the rest of my life for some reason.

It didn't take much, but there was to be no going back. It has taken me almost a year of deliberation as to what I should do to this canvas. I liked the painting the way it was, but I thought it needed something else. I just wasn't sure what.

This morning it dawned on me, (I just got that, sorry), she needed to be part of the Sorrow Series. She just wasn't sad enough.

After a lengthy discussion with myself...I think I fixed that...



She's almost there...

12:45 to 2:30 AM...

Being an insomniac means I have several extra hours a day that most people don't. I try to make that time productive and not just watch mindless television. (The quality of programming at those late night, early morning hours is really quite horrible. I mean, really? Out of all of the years of television, this is the best you have left to put on the air? Seriously?) Sorry I dislike Television.

Anywho...I've been painting...


My first Chadette of 2010, and it only took me four and half months. As of yet untitled, 12 x 16 inches.

This and the other nude with the blue spaz background, are 36 x 48 inches. Still in progress.

*****

I only have two weeks at the restaurant left. I'm going to miss it. It is really a bizarre world that I enjoy for the most part. This is a pretty good group of people.

The chef has always tried to be very good to me. They really want me to stay. I've been offered more money and more responsibility. It was flattering, but I need something more right now. Just once, I would like to give stability a try.

Give And Take...

There has to be give and take. It has to be honest. There has to be trust. They are works in progress.

In painting it comes easy. I give a little, I take a little. I'm honest with my canvas and my work comes from the heart. I trust in my skills and my medium to provide from what I give. As I paint and give of myself, I learn. I learn about painting. I learn new skills. I learn about myself and what I want from my work.

In a relationship, give and take, honesty and trust come more difficultly. When another person is involved. Other feelings and emotions come into play. I know what to expect from a canvas and paint. When I start to think that I know what to expect from another person, inevitably I find out I know nothing about what to expect, and very little about other people.

Communication with a canvas is simple. Even when I am lost and have nothing to tell a canvas and I stare at it's blank surface for days on end, I know exactly what it's all about. I know that a single stroke is all it takes and the blank silence is broken.

When there is a silence between people, emotions change, walls go up. Nerves are on end. Suspicions grow. At times they are well founded. Other times not. With each moment of silence, it becomes more difficult to break through. You start thinking about what needs to be said. What if it's the wrong thing? How will what's said be taken by the other person? The silence grows. As do the doubts and questions.

I used to think that life was simple. As I have learned of late, I am often wrong.

What may seem simple to one, is very complicated to another. What may seem harmless to one, may seem suspicious to another. A word miss spoken can not be taken back. An honest comment may come across as harsh and uncaring. Even something as simple as a kiss, can be taken the wrong way at times. Who knew?

When I'm in my studio, even when creatively blocked and unable to produce a simple mark, I know where I stand. It's outside the studio that my life is thrown into the abyss, not knowing from moment to moment which end is up.

I have never understood why some artists fear their creativity and the process. A blank canvas is nothing to fear. Art is simple. It's everything outside of the studio that's scary and complicated.

And with this I give you my latest learning experience.

Today, I learned that a little black, goes a long way. Still a work in progress. Me and my art.

Change...Together...

When we first met, there was a bench in front of the gallery where we worked. We would often sit on that bench and talk. We got to know one another and became friends there.

Last week was our 8th anniversary. It seemed to me that we needed a reminder of those talks and that bench. So I got us a bench of our own for an anniversary gift. I set it in our back garden. We have spent a lot more time talking and bonding and trying to reconnect. Trying to remember what made us fall in love to begin with.


It's kind of funny how difficult it becomes to talk with someone that you have known and been with for so many years. All of the sudden we're strangers trying to get to know one another again.

*****

Yesterday was Mr. Man's very first play. "Down on the Farm". He played a horse. I took the video camera, tested it, made sure I had a fresh disk, lens cap was off.

The play started, I hit record, the red light went on. I panned, I zoomed in and out, I moved around to get him and his friends.

Thirty minutes later I hit the record button again to stop it...and nothing happened. I tried it again. Nothing. I started to look around and figure it out...and realized I had it set to camera. Not video.

I didn't get a single second of it.

King size fail!

We were there though. He was an awesome horse! We laughed and clapped and had a great time.

*****

For the first time in way too long, I painted something. It's crude, out of proportion, it's rough, it needs a lot more work...but it's paint on canvas and damn it felt good to spend even a few minutes in the studio.

*****

I'm looking forward to starting my new job next month. I miss the art world, no matter how screwed up it is, it suits me. I'm also looking into starting a new home base MLM business. Going to change the world. Change is a constant. At least in my life.

*****

Life is full of ups and downs. It's a struggle. We don't really have a choice. We go on. In one way or another, we go on. We make the best of what we're given and work our asses off for what we think we want, trying our best to make sure we have what we need.

We will go on. We'll spend more time on our bench. We will go to all of the plays in person, just in case they don't get recorded. We will work towards the things need, and try for the things we want. Without fear. Together.