I Was Wrong...

It's not a lack of creative thought that is ruining humanity. It's a lack of any thought at all.

When did it become impossible for people to pull their heads out of their asses long enough to look around?

Every day I get bombarded with the most asinine political and social trash I have ever heard. Sure, it doesn't help that I live in one of the few right wing conservative areas of California but seriously, people, open your minds, and your eyes, and close your mouths.

The political...

Everyone seems to have forgotten that our government is run by three branches. The president does not make decisions on his own. He doesn't just do things for the hell of it.

Have we all lost sight of the fact that our president needs the other two branches to get anything done? Let me remind you all that there are a Legislative, and Judicial branch as well as the Executive.

Try to think about the future of our country and not just the next election. Try to think about the good of the whole and not just what's good for you.

And the social...

When people like Snookie are getting paid $20,000 per, and more to make appearances at clubs, talk shows, and shoot magazine covers, it is seriously time to re-evaluate who we have become.

This has really gotten embarrassing.

Give And Take...

There has to be give and take. It has to be honest. There has to be trust. They are works in progress.

In painting it comes easy. I give a little, I take a little. I'm honest with my canvas and my work comes from the heart. I trust in my skills and my medium to provide from what I give. As I paint and give of myself, I learn. I learn about painting. I learn new skills. I learn about myself and what I want from my work.

In a relationship, give and take, honesty and trust come more difficultly. When another person is involved. Other feelings and emotions come into play. I know what to expect from a canvas and paint. When I start to think that I know what to expect from another person, inevitably I find out I know nothing about what to expect, and very little about other people.

Communication with a canvas is simple. Even when I am lost and have nothing to tell a canvas and I stare at it's blank surface for days on end, I know exactly what it's all about. I know that a single stroke is all it takes and the blank silence is broken.

When there is a silence between people, emotions change, walls go up. Nerves are on end. Suspicions grow. At times they are well founded. Other times not. With each moment of silence, it becomes more difficult to break through. You start thinking about what needs to be said. What if it's the wrong thing? How will what's said be taken by the other person? The silence grows. As do the doubts and questions.

I used to think that life was simple. As I have learned of late, I am often wrong.

What may seem simple to one, is very complicated to another. What may seem harmless to one, may seem suspicious to another. A word miss spoken can not be taken back. An honest comment may come across as harsh and uncaring. Even something as simple as a kiss, can be taken the wrong way at times. Who knew?

When I'm in my studio, even when creatively blocked and unable to produce a simple mark, I know where I stand. It's outside the studio that my life is thrown into the abyss, not knowing from moment to moment which end is up.

I have never understood why some artists fear their creativity and the process. A blank canvas is nothing to fear. Art is simple. It's everything outside of the studio that's scary and complicated.

And with this I give you my latest learning experience.

Today, I learned that a little black, goes a long way. Still a work in progress. Me and my art.

The North Wind...

As does happen in my life, when the North wind rolls through I feel a desire to follow. Gypsy blood runs deep within my veins.

But lately the wind has been swirling. Coming from several directions at once. Not knowing which way to go I have stayed in place. My heart confused and restless. Eager to move and follow my wanderlust that guides me.

I fear I have become lost in my confusion. I labor over, and doubt my decisions that once were instinctual. I second guess and questions my actions. Surrounded by a sea of humanity, I'm alone.

A few months ago I would have told you that I had most everything I ever wanted from life. Now I wonder if I haven't lost them. Or worse, thrown them away with my foolishness and fantasies. I fear that I may have forgotten which is real and which is imagined.

I waited and wanted for so long. Imagining what might be. What could be. It was all I had hoped and yet less. Something changed, as it always does. As I knew and feared it would. How, I'm not entirely sure. Only time will tell.

The wind blew and mussed our hair. In all my thinking and dreaming, the reality is never the same. It's wonderful and heart breaking, in most ways breath taking. It clouds and tears your eyes to impair you vision and the world goes fuzzy for a time.

The wind blew, and for now, I'm glad. It always brings something unexpected. For better or worse, it is what makes hearts race and passions burn or fade.

I shall stand and face the wind, eyes tearing and blurry, open to the world ahead of me.

So What?

So I spend way too many hours talking to myself. I have come to realize(with a lot of help) that I don't always want to hear what I have to say. A person can live in fear of the unknown, or they can embrace it. I have spent my entire life, aside from a few years I lost, a lifetime ago, and recently the last few weeks, embracing the unknown.

Not quite sure why I slipped this time. Maybe it's the whole parent thing. I know that has changed me considerably. (for the better I might add)

So there it is. I refuse to live a life of fear, if even for a moment. I'm in charge here. With every new adventure there is risk, excitement and the unknown. It makes things interesting. We will have to make some big changes. C'est la vie!

As long as I stay calm and under control (for the most part) we'll be ok.

Thank you very much to everyone that commented and emailed during my episode. You are a great bunch of people.

The White Zone Is For Emotional Baggage Loading Only. No Unloading, No Parking!

Sometimes everything seems to hit at once. It's not necessarily the moving that has gotten to me. We have moved dozens of times. Having it forced on you is a bit worse but it's nothing we can't handle. The expense of moving we could do with out. Knowing that there is really nothing we can do about it because renters have no rights, torques my shorts.

I tell myself every morning, "It's going to be alright. Things will work out." I reassure Precious of the same things. I have never seen her so depressed. She's feeling the pressure. As I am.

The last two years have kick our asses. Hard. I'm loosing it. I'm beginning to wonder if things will really be alright, but I can't admit it out load. There are no guaranties. Bad things happen. Life is seldom fair.

I wonder if my life has become a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe I am an unhappy person and I'm bringing this on us. There have been hard times in my life. A life time ago. I hid behind drugs. Lately I have begun to feel the pull, and remember the allure they had to me. That they have on anyone that is in a tough patch. It gives escape. It makes you forget.

I can't escape this time. I have someone the depends on me. For everything. I have to be there. I have to make everything work some how. But I'm lost. I'm at wits ends. How much can a person take before they break.

I'm worried about Precious. She's at the edge. I know because I was standing there already. For the first time in my life I am truly afraid of what is going to happen to us. So much of life is beyond our control.

Every morning I hold on to Mr. Man before I leave for work. He's an angel. He has no idea and I need to keep it that way. I never want to let him go. But I have to. I have to go out into the world. I feel completely vulnerable. Like a target.

If I can only hold it together at work. Don't break down. Tell myself over and over, that it will be alright. Maybe I can make something happen. If I can only make something happen, it will be alright.

I hope that the other drivers can't see that I'm having a mini break down as I drive. I hold my hand up to shield my face from passing cars. Tears streaming down my cheeks. The pep talks are becoming less and less affective. I have started to doubt. I doubt myself, my abilities, my future. For the first time, I doubt myself.

The reality is that we are, at any given time, about two weeks from being homeless. I know it would never come to that. We have places to go, and family and friends that would help. But dear God has it really come to that? Have we really fallen so far?

I start throwing blame. I blame God. I blame Washington. I blame greed. I blame Precious. I blame myself. The only place it applies is with me. I am the one that is responsible for my life. And now theirs.

I know Precious prays. A lot. I don't see it helping her and it makes me sad. I remember praying. I can't any more. Some where along my road I have lost my faith. I have seen too much. I wonder if that is what's brought me here. A message from God that I've forsaken him. Maybe he just hates me. Maybe he's not listening, or maybe he's just not there.

My life has become filled with self pity, self loathing.I have become much less forgiving of myself. There is so much that is still good in our lives. Why can't I focus on that? My thoughts always seem to drift into how much worse things could be. I don't even want to think about how much worse things could be.

I just need to keep it together. Things will turn around. It's going to be alright. I want to scream it to the universe. It's going to be alright dammit! It has to be alright.

Precious told me that she needs someone to talk to. She can't tell me her darkest fears. But I know. I can see it on her face and hear it in her voice. They're my fears too. Wondering if our best years are behind us. Knowing that every month we are getting farther behind.

I'm not looking for sympathy, or pity, or advice, or help. I just need to scream at the universe. This is where I can do that with out causing a scene or being arrested.

It's funny. When you ask the universe, "How bad can it be?" You almost always find out. When you ask the universe, "How good can it be?" You never get a response. Makes me think that the no response, is the response.