19 June 2009

The White Zone Is For Emotional Baggage Loading Only. No Unloading, No Parking!

Sometimes everything seems to hit at once. It's not necessarily the moving that has gotten to me. We have moved dozens of times. Having it forced on you is a bit worse but it's nothing we can't handle. The expense of moving we could do with out. Knowing that there is really nothing we can do about it because renters have no rights, torques my shorts.

I tell myself every morning, "It's going to be alright. Things will work out." I reassure Precious of the same things. I have never seen her so depressed. She's feeling the pressure. As I am.

The last two years have kick our asses. Hard. I'm loosing it. I'm beginning to wonder if things will really be alright, but I can't admit it out load. There are no guaranties. Bad things happen. Life is seldom fair.

I wonder if my life has become a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe I am an unhappy person and I'm bringing this on us. There have been hard times in my life. A life time ago. I hid behind drugs. Lately I have begun to feel the pull, and remember the allure they had to me. That they have on anyone that is in a tough patch. It gives escape. It makes you forget.

I can't escape this time. I have someone the depends on me. For everything. I have to be there. I have to make everything work some how. But I'm lost. I'm at wits ends. How much can a person take before they break.

I'm worried about Precious. She's at the edge. I know because I was standing there already. For the first time in my life I am truly afraid of what is going to happen to us. So much of life is beyond our control.

Every morning I hold on to Mr. Man before I leave for work. He's an angel. He has no idea and I need to keep it that way. I never want to let him go. But I have to. I have to go out into the world. I feel completely vulnerable. Like a target.

If I can only hold it together at work. Don't break down. Tell myself over and over, that it will be alright. Maybe I can make something happen. If I can only make something happen, it will be alright.

I hope that the other drivers can't see that I'm having a mini break down as I drive. I hold my hand up to shield my face from passing cars. Tears streaming down my cheeks. The pep talks are becoming less and less affective. I have started to doubt. I doubt myself, my abilities, my future. For the first time, I doubt myself.

The reality is that we are, at any given time, about two weeks from being homeless. I know it would never come to that. We have places to go, and family and friends that would help. But dear God has it really come to that? Have we really fallen so far?

I start throwing blame. I blame God. I blame Washington. I blame greed. I blame Precious. I blame myself. The only place it applies is with me. I am the one that is responsible for my life. And now theirs.

I know Precious prays. A lot. I don't see it helping her and it makes me sad. I remember praying. I can't any more. Some where along my road I have lost my faith. I have seen too much. I wonder if that is what's brought me here. A message from God that I've forsaken him. Maybe he just hates me. Maybe he's not listening, or maybe he's just not there.

My life has become filled with self pity, self loathing.I have become much less forgiving of myself. There is so much that is still good in our lives. Why can't I focus on that? My thoughts always seem to drift into how much worse things could be. I don't even want to think about how much worse things could be.

I just need to keep it together. Things will turn around. It's going to be alright. I want to scream it to the universe. It's going to be alright dammit! It has to be alright.

Precious told me that she needs someone to talk to. She can't tell me her darkest fears. But I know. I can see it on her face and hear it in her voice. They're my fears too. Wondering if our best years are behind us. Knowing that every month we are getting farther behind.

I'm not looking for sympathy, or pity, or advice, or help. I just need to scream at the universe. This is where I can do that with out causing a scene or being arrested.

It's funny. When you ask the universe, "How bad can it be?" You almost always find out. When you ask the universe, "How good can it be?" You never get a response. Makes me think that the no response, is the response.

5 comments:

Dave2 said...

Life seems to be kicking a lot of asses lately... I'm sorry to hear that yours is one of them. :-(

Penelope said...

You are such a lovely family it breaks my heart that you are having this crap heaped on you. You don't deserve it!
I don't have words of wisdom, I'm sorry. I can listen though, any time.
Hugs for you all!

Christine said...

If no one is listening to your tortured prayers, no one is intentionally picking on you, either. I find comfort in that.

And I have your art on my wall, and some days your art is my comfort.

Pulling for you, MW...

Pumpkin said...

I know where you are because Vilay and I were there a little over two years ago. We were living with family and that wasn't working out so well. We didn't see anyway out of the big mess that we were in. It seemed so hopeless and I would look at my children wondering what the hell we could do to get out of it because I couldn't let them suffer. It was so bad that we looked into section 8 housing. The only thing available was in dangerous areas where guns were shot on a regular basis. Funny thing is we couldn't even get that because Vilay isn't American. He wouldn't have had the right to live with us. It was beyond hopeless. I seriously thought we were going to end up living out of our car with our three kids. Then, we took Vilay's parents up on helping us return to France and stayed with them for four months until the big break came for Vilay's job here in Switzerland. We still struggle at the end of the month but we are safe. We are secure. I didn't see any way out during the struggle but somehow it came.

It did get better. Now, I don't take anything forgranted. Not one little thing.

Don't give up. Like you said you have a little guy that needs you...both of you. My kids are what pulled me through. Without them I am not so sure I would have held it together.

I know it is the same for you. Your son will give you the strength you need. No matter what, you have your family. You have their love and they have yours.

Another thing. Talk to your wife about your fears and listen to her tell you hers. Vilay and I finally opened up to each other during our dark time and it was wonderful to be able to hold each other and cry together. We felt stronger. We were stronger because we stood together.

Your family is in my prayers.

Greeneyezz said...

I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well for you.


~ZZ