24 January 2009

Regrets...

I am so upset with myself today that it has actually given me a migraine. Today I did something that I promised myself I would never do. Today, I put my job ahead of my son.

With our most recent move, this is the first time we have lived near other kids. Mr. Man loves having friends so close. Today he is going to his first Birthday Party. It's across the street from us and every kid in the neighborhood will be there along with their parents. Except us. Precious can't go either. Instead, the in-laws will be taking him.

He has been very excited about it. We've talked about it a couple of times. I so want to be there, and I can't. I know, there will be others, but this is the only first. The excitement of it all, will be gone next time.

No matter what kind of promises I made to him or myself, I realize that some of them, like being there for his first birthday party, will get broken. In the long run, Mr. Man will most likely never remember that I wasn't there. He probably wont remember that he was there. But I will.

I'm more than likely over reacting to all of this, but it has made me wonder about the other events in his life that I will undoubtedly miss over the years. Is this just the first of many? Where will I draw the line? Do I miss Birthday parties but go to ballgames or piano recitals?

A funny thing about having a child, is that it has made me really question many of my actions and re-evaluate my belief system. I have been through some very emotional and trying ordeals in life and never flinched, and now a five year olds Birthday party has made me feel like a failure.

Tonight when I get home, I will ask Mr. Man if he had a good time and what he did. Like most kids this age, I have a pretty good idea of what he's going to say.

We played and ate cake.

3 comments:

Iron Fist said...

But consider those other 'firsts' I'm assuming you were there for: first steps, first words, first time he called you "Dad", first birthday. And there will be other firsts, and if you miss one here or there because of a job, well, you have a job because you want Mr Man to have a better life.

Mad William said...

Fist,
I know. we were there for those. I'm just greedy that way. I want to be there for everything he does. I'm going to be a complete nuisance as he gets older.

Roxiticus Desperate Housewives said...

As an investment banking mom who always tries to put my kids first (and who recently tossed and turned with guilt when I missed being the Mystery Reader in my second grader's class due to my first ever Friday meeting in NYC), my heart wrenches for you, but I'd encourage yourself to give yourself a break on this one... if it were your son's birthday, it would be a Big Deal. However, from all the OPK (other people's kids) birthday parties I've attended with my daughters (and I'm pretty sure their nanny took them to their first OPK parties), the kids don't pay any attention to their own parents (unless something goes wrong and they want to go home)... they just play and have cake. I hope you'll tell us all how it turns out.

Roxy

P.S. -- You've got my Battle of the Blogs vote in sympathy.