I am so upset with myself today that it has actually given me a migraine. Today I did something that I promised myself I would never do. Today, I put my job ahead of my son.
With our most recent move, this is the first time we have lived near other kids. Mr. Man loves having friends so close. Today he is going to his first Birthday Party. It's across the street from us and every kid in the neighborhood will be there along with their parents. Except us. Precious can't go either. Instead, the in-laws will be taking him.
He has been very excited about it. We've talked about it a couple of times. I so want to be there, and I can't. I know, there will be others, but this is the only first. The excitement of it all, will be gone next time.
No matter what kind of promises I made to him or myself, I realize that some of them, like being there for his first birthday party, will get broken. In the long run, Mr. Man will most likely never remember that I wasn't there. He probably wont remember that he was there. But I will.
I'm more than likely over reacting to all of this, but it has made me wonder about the other events in his life that I will undoubtedly miss over the years. Is this just the first of many? Where will I draw the line? Do I miss Birthday parties but go to ballgames or piano recitals?
A funny thing about having a child, is that it has made me really question many of my actions and re-evaluate my belief system. I have been through some very emotional and trying ordeals in life and never flinched, and now a five year olds Birthday party has made me feel like a failure.
Tonight when I get home, I will ask Mr. Man if he had a good time and what he did. Like most kids this age, I have a pretty good idea of what he's going to say.
We played and ate cake.