28 April 2010

Mending Fences...

How do you mend a fence that has now been broken twice? What can you do to fix a mistake...a flaw?...maybe, the mistake, has now been repeated and the fence torn. Does a flaw imply a lack of responsibility? Probably. Which makes the mistake all the worse and actions can only be blamed on the stupidity of the person in question. Sort of a, "What the fuck were you thinking?!" moment. Maybe not the first time, but most certainly the second. There is no other excuse than pure stupidity.

It's been said that you can't fix stupid. Wow, I hope that isn't true.

But back to my original thought. The lack of thought. You get it? The first time, there was...


No. There was no thought the first time either. Pure fucking egotistical stupidity. Yes, ego. Thinking about your actions before, and deciding that you are too smart and won't get caught tearing down sections of fence.

And why you ask, would someone want to tear down a fence?

Because they think they deserve more than they have earned. Simple as that. Greed. Fucking greed! Wanting more than you deserve and thinking you deserve more than you have earned. So not, the person I believe myself to be. I despise greed, of all kinds. It's not just about money and power. It applies on many levels.

Now this fence that I speak of is not just a fence. It's an agreement. We are going to live connected to one another. On each side of the fence are our responsibilities. For the connection to work, each must keep up their responsibilities. They each need to tend to the fence. Equally. Honestly.

After all, sharing a fence is a huge commitment. You are going to be joined with this other person for ever. You need to be close.

Some people know right away if they could share a fence. I did. As soon we met, I knew we were going to be friends. Long before we would share a fence together.

Very early on, I had a few tough decisions to make. There were a lot of people involved. A great deal at stake. Maybe, maybe not. It seemed so at the time. (Hind-sight is a curse) I chose poorly. and I hurt everyone involved because when it came right down to it, I wanted to cover my ass and not admit that I had done anything wrong. I was forced by the actions of someone else first, blah blah blah...

I. Chose. Poorly.

My best friend, forgave me. I knew that I needed to share a fence with this wonderful person. My best friend. I wanted them in my life on a daily basis. To share everything with the other. Mind, body and soul.

Years go by. Life is grand. We have share everything. We have seen the best and worst of the other and never flinched. We lived our lives side by side, connected, joined, by our fence. Even added a little cross section of fence that dissected our fence.

One day, a voice in my head told me to tear down part of our fence. Our connection. And give it to someone else. I knew someone else a long time ago.

I was faced with a choice. Now the person I believe myself to be, knows right away. Without thought. That the answer is no. Why would I give away part of our fence? I wouldn't.

I'm heart broken to admit, but that, is exactly what I did.

Now, had I gone to my best friend at the beginning and told them what my little voice was saying, I'm sure it would not have been a problem, we could have worked out why my voice is an idiot and laughed about all of it later.

Instead, I kept it to myself and hoped my best friend wouldn't notice or find out about the missing piece of fence. Really. I can't even imagine me doing something like that even as I read the words back to myself. What kind of best friend am I? What kind of any friend? Twice now I have done something that goes against everything that I claim to be. It goes against everything I want to be. One of which is a good example and care taker to our little fence. There is a right way and a wrong way to treat people.

Well twice now, I have forgotten that rule.

I. Chose. Poorly.

Except this time, It's different. There is so much more involved this time. Truly, so much more at stake.
Like the first time, my best friend gave me another chance. Thank you. I promise to be worthy.

However this time, as the fence gets mended, there will be a piece missing. A small piece of our fence that I gave away.

I said it before. I said it this time too. I'm sorry. To my best friend. To our little fence. To my old friend.
You all deserved more from me. But especially my best friend. A person that I have now spent more time with, than any other human. A huge part of who I am and who I want to be. Someone that I would be incomplete with out.


Pumpkin said...

I am happy you are mending your fence. I have a feeling it is being built stronger and with more care than ever before.

eclectic said...

For all that it is something so universal and natural, love sure can be a pain in the ass to figure out. Long-term relationships go through cycles. Some of them are incredibly difficult, at least in my experience. But if you go through them, you do come out the other side eventually. And again in my experience, I'm always glad I hung in there. Best wishes to you, and to Precious. I know you're both worth the effort.