18 March 2010

Something To Fear...

How many chances does a person get to do the right thing? For months, or more, I have been writing about how bad things are with Precious. How she broke my heart. How we seem to have lost one another. I went back and read my posts. I never mentioned any of the things that made me love her. I never wrote about how happy we were. I never really gave her the credit she deserved or thanked her for putting up with my frequent stupidity.

I've been blaming her for our troubles and making excuses for my behavior. As if it were justified in some way.

We spent much of the night talking. Crying.

In all the time I have been so unhappy thinking that Precious had given up on us, I never once thought to tell her how I was really feeling. When we talked, it was her talking. I tend not to say much. Even when I should. Most times my silence is taken for uncaring or indifference.

It's really just me being afraid of saying the wrong things. I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to actually sharing any real feelings. I've always been a wall builder. Keeping myself safely behind them. I didn't realize that some where I built a wall between us. I am the one that gave up on us.

When things started getting hard and our relationship was tested, I went into hiding.

It's clear to me now why she said she didn't really trust me. I wasn't trusting her. Instead of talking to my best friend about how I felt, I turned to another. I was afraid of losing the things I treasured most and I put those things at risk even farther by being a jackass.

This morning Precious gave me her wedding ring and asked to keep it some place safe.

How is it possible for me to have hurt the person I care most about? I've been a terrible partner and a horrible friend. Saying sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.

Now that I realize that I may have screwed things up beyond what we can fix, of course it's too late. I was so upset that she didn't trust me that I went ahead and destroyed any trust that may have been left. And for what?

I guess now I have some thing to really fear.

4 comments:

Dave2 said...

Unfortunately, we can't make perfect decisions all the time. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and move forward the best we can. Hopefully while putting the fear behind us so it doesn't lead us to make even worse decisions.

Because decisions made out of fear usually don't work out very well for anybody.

I wish you well, Mad William. Take care of yourself so you can take care of others. In the end, "each other" is all we really have.

Christine said...

Good luck, hon, I'm pulling for you & Precious. For wisdom and strength, however it is going to go.

Anonymous said...

Precious here...

You write so expressively and beautifully, it's kind of sad that the way I learn the most about you is by reading your posts. I think it's great that you can express yourself here; I'm sorry that somehow you can't do it with me personally - I've failed you somewhere there and for that I am sorry.

I hope that others reading this might learn from our failings.

I thank you for what you have written the past two days, I've kind of been feeling like the bad guy in your writings for the last few years and I'm glad you remember all the good times...because even now, we are amazing. Despite the hurt, the betrayal, the uncertainty of our future as a family; we are, and always will be, Precious and Handsome.

We were timeless when we met and we will endure always - one way or another...

Penelope said...

I can only agree with what Dave and Christine have said...
Lots of love...to all 3 of you x