How many chances does a person get to do the right thing? For months, or more, I have been writing about how bad things are with Precious. How she broke my heart. How we seem to have lost one another. I went back and read my posts. I never mentioned any of the things that made me love her. I never wrote about how happy we were. I never really gave her the credit she deserved or thanked her for putting up with my frequent stupidity.
I've been blaming her for our troubles and making excuses for my behavior. As if it were justified in some way.
We spent much of the night talking. Crying.
In all the time I have been so unhappy thinking that Precious had given up on us, I never once thought to tell her how I was really feeling. When we talked, it was her talking. I tend not to say much. Even when I should. Most times my silence is taken for uncaring or indifference.
It's really just me being afraid of saying the wrong things. I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to actually sharing any real feelings. I've always been a wall builder. Keeping myself safely behind them. I didn't realize that some where I built a wall between us. I am the one that gave up on us.
When things started getting hard and our relationship was tested, I went into hiding.
It's clear to me now why she said she didn't really trust me. I wasn't trusting her. Instead of talking to my best friend about how I felt, I turned to another. I was afraid of losing the things I treasured most and I put those things at risk even farther by being a jackass.
This morning Precious gave me her wedding ring and asked to keep it some place safe.
How is it possible for me to have hurt the person I care most about? I've been a terrible partner and a horrible friend. Saying sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.
Now that I realize that I may have screwed things up beyond what we can fix, of course it's too late. I was so upset that she didn't trust me that I went ahead and destroyed any trust that may have been left. And for what?
I guess now I have some thing to really fear.