Lost In Invisiblity...

When I was much younger, I wondered if I might be invisible. Not all the time, but often. I could be surrounded by people and wouldn't get noticed. They would look right through me, never at me. Now as I continue to age I'm convinced that I am actually invisible,  from time to time. And never by my choice. I just seem to fade out and then eventually back in.

It's an odd sensation.

It's been almost a year since I closed my studio. I miss it like breathing. I can feel it pulsing through my veins, calling to me. It never stops. I can hear it. I can't turn it off. I worry I may never get back.
The responsibility of being an adult never seem to diminish. The world always wants, no,  demands more and more and is never satisfied. Always more.

I don't understand what we've done. What we've become. I can see where things are headed ever so clear. Am I the only one? Can anyone else see what we have done to ourselves? That it's getting worse, not better? That greed, selfish ego, corruption and lies have become the norm, and are accepted as if it always been that way. Or always should have been that way. I just don't know anymore.

I scream. The louder I scream the softer my voice. No one hears. No one listens. No one cares about anything outside of their own beliefs, right or wrong, good or bad. There has become no room for growth or improvement, or knowledge. At what point do we stop striving to be better? When do we stop asking questions? When do we decide that we know everything we need to know and stop taking in additional knowledge? Why do we stop learning? Or more importantly, why do we start refusing to learn and think that we know everything there is to know? And then decide that everyone else is wrong even when confronted with empirical evidence and scientific proof?

Just why? Common sense is no longer common. Education has become the enemy of those in control. Education is feared more than any other threat. Truthful knowledge is power and its dangerous.

So I scream. I stand in the middle of the street and I scream out in pain from the bottom of my soul. Surrounded by people I scream from the top of lungs...

...nothing. No response. No reaction. Like I'm not there.

Silent.

Invisible.

Lost...

Is This Thing On...

Love Askew...

Of the few things that I have regrets about, the one that haunts me most is that our wonderful little Bug will have no memories of a life when we were in love. He has grown up in a home without love or affection. Of course we love him and show him as much affection as we can, but there is nothing but mean, cold, detachment toward one another. He will grow up thinking that our relationship is normal. Most of his friend have divorced parents so he has no reference from them either.  I had always dreamed that our son would grow up in a home that was warm and full of love, laughter, affection, romance and passion for life. I pray that when he falls in love, that he will follow his heart and not the icy example that we have given him.
I'm sad that I can't stop loving you. I'm sad that you are so cold and indifferent toward me. I'm sad that you can't love me. I'm sad that I was so blind to you and your real feelings.

Cold Indifference...

How do I stop loving someone? How do I make my heart realize that she doesn't love anymore? Or  realize that maybe she never really did? Her cold indifference toward me is like a knife to my skin. I miss her so much. I want to hold her and tell her how much I still care.
She doesn't love me. She doesn't even like me most days, I'm more of a toleration. Spending any amount of time with me is merely for our son and then I'm dismissed as soon as possible.
Why can't I let go and realize that she is not going to come back. Her heart has no room for me.
I keep hoping that one day she will see something in me that she used to see. But each time our eyes meet mine are met with regret. Why can't she see me the way we were? Why isn't my love and romance enough for her? Why am I not enough for her? I hate this. Why can't I let her go the way she let me go? I'm tired. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep each night. I'm tired of missing what I thought we had. I'm tired of the rejection and cold indifference.

Think About Life Alone...

Why do you talk about me as if I weren't around? Why do you talk about our son as if he were only yours? Have you even considered that one of these days he will want to come live with me? Because he will. We didn't give him a choice as you decided that he's better off with you.  How much thought have given to what life will be like alone? You know, the life you expect me to accept without question. The life you keep telling me wont be as bad as I have imagined it being.
It's all about you and what your needs. You say it's because I can't take care of him. Maybe not right this moment, I can't, or at least not to your standards, but I will be able to very soon. What then? Are you willing to give him up as easily as you think I should give him up?
Have you thought about what it's going to be like, to be in your home and it's completely silent? No sounds of happy kid. No sounds of animals playing or fighting or running amok. Just you. The sound of your own thoughts echoing through your head and empty home. Have thought about life without him? Without any of it?  With out everything we spent the last 17 years working toward. Just you? Alone!
Just like you are asking me to accept. I hope you can live with it as easily as you expect me to live with things, because one day soon, he will want to live with me.
Enjoy your solitude and try to remember the bullshit you fed me about it all being alright.