05 March 2013

Beaten Puppies...

I have been standing in my studio at night. Almost every night for a couple of months now. Trying to let some of the pain out. Some of the torment I feel. To let any of the mixed emotions and anguish pour from me onto a canvas.

But I just stand there, staring in to a blankness that stares back. Taunting me. Daring me to take action. But nothing comes. The pain, and the loneliness build. I can feel the pressure inside. Everyday I wander farther into the darkness where light and sound have stopped. All I can hear are my own thoughts of longing and failure. Wondering how I will go on. How I will find happy again or how I might fake happy until I get there.

Every morning it takes all of my energy and effort to even climb out of bed and go on with my days.

We are still a part of each others day but the void grows. Fake it till you make it has only grown more fake. I wait patiently, trying not to push. Trying not to seem as pathetic as I feel. Like a puppy thats been beaten but still keeps coming back. Each time thinking if I can only love her more, that someday, somehow, she may love me again.

She doesn't look at me with love anymore. She tolerates me. She fakes it for him. Waiting until he might be old enough to explain what happened. Maybe someday she could explain it to me because I don't understand. Even through the hard parts I never gave up. I never doubted that I would love her forever.

I make this all sound like I have done nothing wrong but I know I did. I made mistakes. I said the wrong things, I did the wrong things. I drove her away. Everyday she spends near me she gets farther away.  My heart breaks more and more. More than I ever thought it could be broken. I miss her so much. Then pain has grown from emotional to physical. My body hurts inside and out.

I hate feeling like this. I wonder if I would be better off just disappearing, the way I used to back in the day. But I know I could never give him up or just walk away. I would rather live in pain with my heart in pieces than give up being a daily part of his life. She may be gone to me but he's still here. As long as I have him I know there is a shot at happiness someday.

Someday I know love will find me again. I know it may not be her, as much as hope it will be. She's the only one I can imagine spending my life with. She's the only one I can imagine loving. Time will tell. It always does. Time will not heal all wounds. Some pain will never go away. It scars over and gets pushed to the back of our minds until someday we can almost forget. Someday we can almost forgive.

Some days I blame myself. Some days I blame her. Most days I blame her. I think she gave up me but I don't know why. I try to think about the people I have loved and then stopped loving. What made me change? Why did my feelings for them stop?

We work opposite hours. Her days, me nights. We see each other about a half an hour a day before she goes to work.  Each night when I come home my pulse quickens just a bit as I open the garage door. There is a slight sigh of relief when I see her car there. She hasn't packed and left me, yet. They're both in bed. I sneak in so I wont wake them. Some nights I stand in the hall way in the darkness just staring at them while they sleep. I go form room to room sitting on the edge of their beds listening to them breathe. Sometimes for hours. I wake up with the hope that it's all been a dream and that I will find my best friend, my lover that used to be happy to spend every moment near me. And when I find that it wasn't a dream I try to throw on my happy face anyway. I don't want him to know how sad I am that I lost her. I don't want him to see the pain that love can bring because I know what joy love can bring and that's what I want him to believe in. I want him to believe in love, because even with all of the pain I still believe in love.

I spend each day trying to be happy and be the person that she fell in love with, hoping and praying that one day she will look at me and remember what we had.

It makes me wonder most days. Was everything just a fantasy? Was any of it real? Maybe I just imagined our entire lives together. Maybe we were never as happy and in love as I remember us being. I do tend live in a fantasy. It's possible that she never loved me the way I remember. Our entire lives could have happened in my mind. Did I fall in love with her or the fantasy I had of her?

I spend so much time wondering what I did wrong. Wondering how I can fix it. Trying to forget that you can't make someone love you. They do or they don't. And she doesn't. But if I only love her more she might love me again. Then I wonder how long I can hang on to what's left.

Even the worst day with her in it, is better than a good day with out her...

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