15 May 2013

Killing Me Softly...

I keep telling myself that I'm doing it all for them. I have to keep telling myself. There is no other reason.

Four days of 13 hours. One day of 10 hours. By the time I get days off I'm so tired I collapse and spend much of my time off, asleep.

In the mornings I wake up a few minutes before Mr. Man goes to school. I take him. That's it. That's all I get to see the little guy today, or the next three days. I come home in time to hear,"Gotta go".
Sometimes I get a very quick, tight lipped peck. Passionless. Emotionless. Some day's all I hear is the "Gotta go" before I hear the door open and close as she leaves.

She talks about moving. Our future. Once in awhile She says things like, she loves me and that she cares. A few weeks ago she said I had a cute butt, as she grazed a cheek with the back of her hand.

That's as close as we get. A few minutes a day. As intimate as room mates.

That's it. Every day. Day after day. That's it. And it's killing me. Slowly killing me. Every day. Every time she says something even slightly caring. Every time she touches me then pulls away, it's killing me.

I don't know how to live a passionless life. I need to have a lover I can share with. I can hold and touch and kiss and know that it's "us" against the world trying to make a better life.

Instead I live alone with my child and his mom, and I'm working two jobs for 70 hours a week for practically nothing, and it's killing me.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way they once did or the way you think they should, that doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have left.

Mad William said...

Anon,

That's true. She may love me with everything she has left. From what I see there isn't much left.
It's also true that I may not know anything about love or what it takes to make love last.
What I do know is that I don't get what I need. No matter how much she may still love me, if I am not getting anything from it, does that make it alright for her to treat me the way she does? Should I just be happy she says she loves me and accept what I get?