Think About Life Alone...

Why do you talk about me as if I weren't around? Why do you talk about our son as if he were only yours? Have you even considered that one of these days he will want to come live with me? Because he will. We didn't give him a choice as you decided that he's better off with you.  How much thought have given to what life will be like alone? You know, the life you expect me to accept without question. The life you keep telling me wont be as bad as I have imagined it being.
It's all about you and what your needs. You say it's because I can't take care of him. Maybe not right this moment, I can't, or at least not to your standards, but I will be able to very soon. What then? Are you willing to give him up as easily as you think I should give him up?
Have you thought about what it's going to be like, to be in your home and it's completely silent? No sounds of happy kid. No sounds of animals playing or fighting or running amok. Just you. The sound of your own thoughts echoing through your head and empty home. Have thought about life without him? Without any of it?  With out everything we spent the last 17 years working toward. Just you? Alone!
Just like you are asking me to accept. I hope you can live with it as easily as you expect me to live with things, because one day soon, he will want to live with me.
Enjoy your solitude and try to remember the bullshit you fed me about it all being alright.

If Only You Loved Me...

I try to understand. I try to see the situation for your point of view. I try to listen to myself explain things in my head. I try to hear you when you tell me that you don't love me. that you haven't loved me. My memories of us were happy. My journal tells a different story, of sadness and regret. I wonder who wrote these things. I can't believe that you said such mean and hurtful words toward me. I can't understand how you could push me away when all I ever wanted to do was worship you. I called you Precious. I thought you were my one true love. You are constantly in my thoughts. Even still, as I hurt more than I have ever hurt, I still love you. With a word I would run to your arms and hold you like there were no tomorrow. Everything that has happened forgotten in an instant...if only you loved me. How could you not love me when I love you with everything I have? How could that not be enough for you? What more can I  offer? I need someone to hold, to share my life, to love even if it's not completely the way I love you, I need to have someone to hold. To be held. How could you push me away? How could have pushed me away when I loved you? What was that supposed to accomplish? I need someone, anyone if I can't have he one I want but I need someone. You knew this and you pushed me away all the same. Is this what you wanted all along? You were trying to push me away to the point I couldn't or wouldn't come back? Did you want me to be the one to leave? How could I leave someone I love so deeply? How can you not see how much I care for you? I would try or do anything for you. Am I immature or weak minded? Is there something wrong with me that I can't let go? Why can't I be as cold and unloving toward you, as you are toward me? None of it matters to me. I would hug you and love you and never let you go...if only you loved me. We could be happy again. We could conquer the world. We could have the greatest life together...if only you loved me.

I Met Someone Today...

I met someone new today. I was sure that I had never met him before however he was very familiar with me. It made me uncomfortable yet I couldn't get away. His face was sad. Dark lines under his bloodshot eyes. Receding hair line and totally grey. A bit over weight and his posture sagged all over. I could feel his sorrow. I reached out for him and he reached back. We both looked surprised for a moment and then it faded back to sadness.

The realization that you are unrecognizable to even yourself would be heart breaking, if you had  a heart left to break. I've come to the end of a path, and I can see no path ahead of me. There is no fork in the road. Fear has a tight grip on me and she resists to let go. She feeds on me. I close my eyes but my sight remains. She follows me into dreams, when she lets me sleep. She distracts me from my distractions, always there, her whispers have grown louder and louder, never hesitating for a moment.
Why do you follow me this way?
Because you let me.
How can I turn you away?
Just turn.
How do I forget you?
You don't.
How can I say goodbye?
...

Release Your Grip On My Junk...

Why have we let our government take over ever aspect of our lives. We allow ourselves to be taxed and regulated to the point it's next to impossible to get things done. And if you can get things done it's next to impossible to make any profit because of the asinine fees, taxes and regulations, permits, insurance…it's fucking theft!

I can't take a dump without the government wanting a piece of it. Hands off you greedy soulless  bastards!

Choices...

Life is seldom what we expect. You dream and plan and end up trying to deal with what actually happened.

It's how we deal that matters. There are things we think we want. Want more than anything else. But maybe, we are really better off with out them. Maybe it's the longing and wishing that things had been different that is holding us back or slowing us down.

Every thing is a choice. The choices are easy. It's the living with those choices that gets difficult.