07 May 2008

Price vs Cost...

I'm arguing with myself about what I need to accomplish this coming summer. As my seven readers know, Precious and Mr. Man will be moving to San Diego in a mere 13 days. I will not be going with them. I will be staying in the northwest for three to six months trying to salvage what I can from our sinking ship we call an art gallery.

This will be the first time we have been apart. I have been trying to prepare myself for what awaits me. Trying to dislodge the the horror in my mind of things that might happen. Why do our minds go to these terrible places?

Those thoughts I can shake. The ones that stick in my mind are the things I will miss. What's funny is that, it's things I would not have thought about years ago. The parent in me. As much as I love Precious, and as much as I will miss her being with me, she isn't going to be a different person when I finally join them. She will still be the person she was. Maybe a little bit tanner, But the same.

Mr Man. on the other hand, changes everyday. Everyday he learns new words and how to use them. His attitude grows and changes. His body will grow and change. He will learn to do things from other people. Sure they're my family, but they're not me.

Almost every morning when he wakes, he calls out for Daddy. I love that. My favorite thing is our triple kiss. Cheek, Cheek, Lips. What if he gets over that while I'm gone? There are dozens of things like this that I fear he may out grow or get over while I'm here, away from them. Five months is a life time to a four year old. What else am I going to miss? What am I going to miss it for?

Will it be possible for me to make enough over the summer to make up for the things I'm giving up? Is five months away from my family worth any amount that I may make? I can't buy those things back.

When I think about my earliest memories, I can't remember very much before four years. From four to five is when things started to stick. Will Mr. Man's first lasting memories of me, be the summer we spent apart?


Anonymous said...

What a choice for you to have to make. This broke my heart.
I wish I had some words of wisdom but I really don't. All I know is that you are doing everything with your family as your first priority and that is always a good thing. :o)

Pumpkin Pie said...

I can feel your pain over this decision. And, as a parent I totally understand you not wanting to be separated from your child.

Hard decision but I know you will find the best solution for your family because it is clear you love them. Actually, that love is what matters the most.

Mad William said...

Penelope, I'm still not sure about it. No doubt I will blab on about it for the rest of the summer. No wisdom needed, the support helps. Thanks.

Pumpkin, If anyone knows what this will be like it's you. I pray each day that love will be enough.

delmer said...

When my youngest was very small one of us asked him for a 'squeeze' instead of a hug. When he moved in for the hug he gave out a little "squeeeeeze" the whole time he was hugging. From that point forward we always asked for squeezes.

Sheree Rensel said...

Seven readers?? Oh come on now!! You have more than that!!!
In regards to leaving Mr. Man, I can hardly imagine. Well, I can imagine a little bit. I raised my daughter alone. When she was 4 years old, I got a residency at the Vermont Studio Center. I had to leave her for ONE month. I thought I was going to lose my mind the entire time I was away. However, I got through it because I knew I had to do what I had to do.
Now I realize one month is a lot shorter than 3-6. That is a LONG time, especially in "kid months". However when times get rough and sad, you will be able to get through it because your whole family will be better for it in the long run. It won't be easy or fun, but it can be done.
This too shall pass.

eclectic said...

Even if he remembers this time, what he'll remember MORE are the letters, the phone calls, the visits, the photos, and the celebration when you join them again. It's an unappealing decision to be sure, but if that's the way it has to be, it won't be the end of his childhood. You and Precious are too much a part of his world for that to ever happen. Sending peace to you, MW.

Mad William said...

You are all a great group people. Thank you all very much for the support. One of you please remind me to give away more paintings this summer.