24 May 2008

Holding On...

It's been a very emotional week. I'm holding up fairly well considering.

Tuesday morning we started driving south. For the most part it was an uneventful trip. I-5 through California is a mess. That highway is in serious need of repair. Going through the central valley we hit a dust storm. I have never seen it like that before. We drove through it for almost three hours. At times our visibility was less than a few hundred feet. Terrible.

We made good time getting to San Diego. Ended up having an extra day to spend with Precious and Mr. Man. What should have been Friday and most of Saturday. Friday morning I woke up with the worst migraine I have ever had. I spent most of Friday in bed wanting to die. I took two Imitrex, a handful of aspirin, caffeine, food, nothing worked. I decided to fight through it, sick to my stomach, dizzy and unable to move at any kind of speed. I wore earplugs to block out the sound, and glasses to shade my eyes. The pain let up around 11pm. About the time everyone wanted to go to bed. I stayed up talking with a friend. We sat outside while we talked about human nature. Swapped stories, drank cocktails and played with a fire.

At around 2am I went up stairs and climbed into bed with Mr. Man. I just wanted to hold him. He jumped and swung his arms when I touched his face with my cold hands. I breathed in deeply to smell him. It would be the last time I got to cuddle for awhile. I wanted it to last for ever. A couple of hours later I did the same thing with Precious. We lay in bed holding one an other for hours, not saying much. Avoiding what we both wanted to say. Knowing that we just needed to enjoy the moment. It would be over all too soon.

Saturday morning I spent playing with Mr. Man. We chased around the yard, threw food to the fish in the pond. We hugged and kissed and played. I was trying hard not to make too much of my leaving.

There were a couple of moments that almost killed me. At one point he stopped running, hugged me and said he would miss me. I fought back tears, but we went back to running. The hardest moment was when he started crying. He said he was crying because he didn't want to cry when I left. I really struggled not to break down at that point. Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. (People in the airport are beginning to stare at me)

Precious just dropped me off at the airport. My flight leaves in a couple of hours. For days I have been telling myself that this is temporary. I will see them soon. It's the little voice in the back of my head that is making things hard. I know all too well that life is unpredictable. I know that it may be the last time I see them. Strange things happen. Things we never see coming. I fight back that voice with all my will, but every now and then, I can hear it.

I focus on the things I need to do when I return. Finish orders at the gallery. Clean our house. Patch holes and paint. Move the rest of my things to the gallery. I have a lot to do. Much to keep me busy and my mind occupied. Time moves quickly. The summer will be over before I know it. Besides. I already have a flight booked for three weeks from now.

If I can just keep from curling into a fetal position and sobbing my eyes out here in the airport, I just might make it. A few more vodka red bulls and things will look differently.


Penelope said...

Now I'm crying too!
Hold on William, it's not forever, you can do it!

Sheree Rensel said...

Vodka Red Bull's can work both ways. I know. Short term= GREAT Long term= terrible. I have been weepy lately. The more beer I drink, the weepier I get. Not good.
Your plan to keep busy is a good one. You will get through this. You will.

eclectic said...

Aw dang... I'm sorry for the heartache. Inhale, exhale, repeat.

I understand the angst at being apart, and I wish there were something we bloggies could do to ease it. But I'm actually envious of your opportunity to have a season alone. Our home is such a madhouse with 3 kids at such varying ages, sometimes I long to be alone just long enough to get lonely.

Pumpkin Pie said...

Hang in there!
Call them as much as you can and if you can use Skype to call online with a camera so you can see each other.

At his age, he would love it if you sent him a short letter or post card. It is something he could hold from his father. Actually, I write my oldest daughter all the time the old fashioned way for that very reason.