30 July 2006

Let me go...

I tried to tell myself that I could not remember how long it has been. When you're around I lie to myself. I know exactly how long it's been down to the hour. I can see me, leaving you, in my mind so clear it could be real. Why do I let you control me?

It's not like you care, I know for a fact that you don't. You had not even given me a second thought when I walk away. We both knew it was for the best. I had thought of you once or twice with fondness. I never thought of finding you again. I was free of you.
I had moved on with my life. MY LIFE! What I had was yours before. Everything I did, I did for you. And you never thanked me once. You gave me what I needed from you, no more , no less. You asked for nothing in return.

This time I had convinced myself it was finally over. I thought about what I would do if our paths crossed again. I was going to be strong, and resist your charms, keep my distance and walk away still free. My life intact.

Out of the blue, I walked around the corner, like I had done everyday. Only today I ran face first into you........

My mind was racing and blank at the same time. An eternity passed in the next few seconds. And as if we had never been apart, we took hold of each other and you consumed me as I breathed you in. My strength was gone, I had given you my life with out so much as whimper.

When I woke the next morning, for a split second I thought it may have been a dream.
But when I saw you there, it hit me like a tidal wave. I fell to my knees and sobbed. What had I done? Where was my strength? Where was my self respect? Where was my will power?

I pulled myself together, grabbed my things and left with out a word. Hating myself for not putting up a fight. I wanted to punish myself. I wished I could drive off a cliff and put an end to it. But then you win and only Precious and Mr. Man would suffer. Not me. Not you. If I want to be free I have to leave you for good. I have to be able to resist you. I know when I return you still be there. It's who you are. I have to be the one who walks away. I have to tell you to release me and let me be. I have to tell myself to let you go for good.

It starts to rain and I feel God telling me I can wash my self clean and start over fresh. He is giving me yet another chance. But it is up to me. I have to go home and put an end to this twisted relationship because it will eventually kill me, or my family, or both. It will consume me and ruin everything I am and want to be.

I already know it will be harder to walk away this time than it was the first. Your hold on me is powerful. You have held me for so long, so very long.

You're like a weed I can't kill. An internal scratch I can't itch no matter how hard I try. A wound that won't heal.

How can I be so weak? Why can't I say NO? NO MORE! Kill me or let me go but be done with me. I can't take it any more!

I hate myself for loving you...

6 comments:

Ms. Glaze said...

Great Post. Now I want all the details... Bisous, Ms. Glaze

Mad William said...

Ms. Glaze,
Thanks for for reading, I lOVE your site.
Details? I am sure this topic will come up again. What I will tell you for now is that I am not talking about a person.

Ps. I am still working on my French. (it is getting better) What does "Bisous" mean? It is not in my French dictionary

Ms. Glaze said...

Bisous means kisses ;-)

and I had a feeling you were talking about something else. Paris perhaps?

Mad William said...

Thank you, I should have known that after watching most of the Wrold Cup this year.

No it's not Paris. I will always love Paris. I like to think of it as my adopted mother land.

I have popsted part two to this story,
"Be Gone".

femme d'espoir said...

I understand this all to well.

"Sigh"

Escapee said...

nice blog. I'm new. As a complete stranger...would you check out my blog and tell me what you think?...How does this site work anyway? So people just stumble upon my site like I stumbled upon yours?